My Girl's girl

While I was locked up to the last woman that I loved, I was increasingly aware of her best girlfriend always looking like she was born in a drought…she always looked at me as if she was so thirsty it was killing her. I couldn’t really figure her out because she was seeing one of my friends from UCLA at the time and I wasn’t abut to do him dirty, so I didn’t know what she intended to do. I played it off as just another female who was trying to creep into my spandex, and blew her off. After all, I was in a relationship with a woman that I actually cared about and that doesn’t happen to often so I was “trying” to be good. I was dating this girl for about seven months before it was time for me to leave again and go play hockey. With the week that we had left before I had to leave we went on a vacation. She took off of work from her prestigious job in finance, and I just hung up the skates for a week. We decided that we would leave Hermosa and go down to Laguna Beach for three days and stay at the Surf & Sand resort down there. It was fabulous. I had a blast, and even though my parents have a spot only fifteen minutes from there it still felt like a vacation. We did our romantic thing, hitting up all the fancy restaurants and touring the beach city. I walked around in a robe and popped champagne for most of the time. Obviously there was some serious cake-mashing that ensued throughout the whole trip. After the three days there, on our way back to Hermosa we decided that we would prolong our trip and go stay at the Hollywood Roosevelt hotel for the rest of the week. It was an impulse decision but I figured why not, I am going to spend the next five months freezing my ass off in some cold city so I might as well splurge a little bit, literally! So we checked into the Roosevelt and proceeded to indulge in everything that was available at the hotel. I spent my days eating by the pool, my nights dining in the restaurant, and my drinks were at Teddy’s. Every moment that she was in the spa or sleeping in the room, obviously being the Legend that I am, I went to try and do work or at least pick up some digits around the place. Honestly the furthest I got was constantly flirting with the bartender at the Tropicana pool.

When our cup caking week was over we returned to Hermosa. It was about three in the afternoon. We got back, unloaded the Benz and then I told her I would be back in a lil’ bit. I went right over to my “roll-dog’s” spot, Mike. He was glad to see me back and then we spent about three hours on the “stix” aka playing video games and burning trees. His lady at the time, Yung Urs, was gone so he wanted me to go out with him. We started drinking forty ounces and I was ready to go. I had been locked up all week and was desperate to get out and turn my swag on. We went down to the pier, eyes unclear, and went right to “Gria’s.” My Boo was calling me off the hook. Kept asking where I was but I kept ignoring. I was on one by now and didn’t need want her to, “make my high come down.” -Nate Dogg. I sent her messages saying I was with Mike and would be back later. Informed her not to worry, and I would see her soon. She said that she was upset but that she would go see a movie with her girlfriend and then expected me back when she got back. This gave me approximately two and a half hours to do work, and still get home, hop in the shower, and act like I’ve been waiting for her.

After having some fun down at the pier, I walked the two blocks back up to the place. I threw on my Snuggie and flipped on Sportscenter. She came back about thirty minutes later with her girlfriend. They were obviously a little tipsy and came stumbling into the place. Oh great I thought; now I’m going to have to deal with two drunk girls. Turns out they both sat right next to me on the couch and started burning a bowl. They then both started rubbing on me. I assumed they were just joking around. Next thing you know, my girl tells me to kiss her friend. “What?!” I exclaimed. “Are you serious?’ “yes, do it.” She told me. Her girl was looking at me with that all too familiar face that I’d seen countless times. I couldn’t believe that this was happening so I played dumb for a while. I thought that she was trying to get me to do something that would get me in trouble in the future, kind of like how girls always test a man. Turns out, these girls weren’t playing and they both started rubbing on my leg. So I gave the hesitant lean over to her friend and we started making out. This was right up the alley that I have been dreaming of ever since I was a little kid who found his first porno tape.

We all took turns making out. I was in heaven. I had two hot girls making out on my lap, and then we would all switch off. Sure enough within about twenty minutes her girl took off her top and me and my girl took turns doing some breast suckling. This event went down in history with a lot of great moments in my life: my first car, getting drafted, playing my first pro game, scoring my first goal, my first hockey paycheck, and so on and so forth. We then all got up and took it into the bedroom where I did some of the best work of my cheek smashing career. I wrestled with these hoes like a WWE championship match. I went down like a submarine and came up like a balloon. I left the pussies Micro-soft like windows Vista.

After that her girl left and went home. We laid there falling asleep; I could tell that we were both feeling uncomfortable so I gave her a lil smooch and fell asleep. I awoke and she was already gone. Granted she did have to work at 6 am, but she usually gave me a goodbye. After that momentous evening we were all a little hesitant around each other. A couple weeks later I ended up moving away to New Jersey to play. I had my lady out there with me too. She invited the same girlfriend to visit us out there a few times. We never had a giant smash session again but we were all very close. Personally I couldn’t stand her friend but it was something I dealt with just to appease my lady. We ended up eating Thanksgiving dinner at her parent’s house in Connecticut that year as well. So we all stayed very cordial and friendly you could say. This all seemed to be a one-time thing that had just come and gone and I was cool with that until a few weeks later while my chick was out of town her girl hit me up saying that she would be in Manhattan and wanted to hang out. She implied that she had a lot of trees that she brought from California and wanted to party. I have a very low tolerance for saying no to burning trees, so I agreed to meet her. I was just getting back from a road trip that night at around 10 PM, and told her I would drop off my bag at my spot and then meet heart a bar in Soho. I had an awkward feeling about this one. She seemed really excited and thirsty, especially since my Boo was out of town. I was slightly hesitant at first, but figured that there is no way she would go behind her friends back and bang her best friend’s man. Little did I know! We met at an Irish bar and had a few drinks and shots. Next thing you know, we left the bar to go and burn some trees. We walked around blazing up some joints. We stopped by another chic Manhattan lounge that was more towards my spot in the upper-eastside. That led to us sitting down and drinking a few glasses of wine. Now it was approximately 2 in the morning and I had no practice the next day so I took this girl back to my place to regroup for a second. As the cab dropped me off out front of my place, my doorman opened the door for me and saw me with a different chick that I am always with. He gave me a look like he was well aware of what I was doing, and even flashed a little smile. I brought this lil lady up to my spot and poured us a glass of wine. She rolled up a joint while I flipped open the Macbook and tried to find a good after-hours club to go to. I mean, I was now certifiably wet and once you get this locomotive going it is very hard to stop. I kept Googling clubs and stuff like that while she sat on my couch rolling a King Kong joint on my coffee table. Finally she walked over and sat on my lap and lit up the joint. I felt a little weird, but considering our past I just let it slide. We sat there getting blowed as fuck and looking up places to go, before long we were both retarded and not making any conclusions at all. I finally just sat back and legitimately asked her, “Well, what you feel like doing? Give me an idea and we’ll do it.” She seductively leaned into me and softly said, “Well, I can think of one thing that we could do. It would feel really good too!” I looked at her and she was dead serious. I instantly had the two guys on my shoulder. One was telling me to just bang the shit out this girl all night. The other was telling me not to do it because I have a girlfriend that I actually care about. Oh man. What to do? I pondered to myself while she was staring into my eyes for about thirty seconds. I wanted to be good so bad, but my inner Legend prevailed and I succumbed to temptation. I took one last He-man puff off of the joint and let the smoke roll out of my mouth like the Doggfather himself, then grabbed her by the waist and carried her into the bedroom where I had to move some of my girl’s clothes out of the way and off of the bed. Oops! Oh well, she knew what she was getting into. We proceeded to do our thing and tear up the sheets like an Usher video. Long story short, we beat cheeks for a couple hours and then passed out. We woke up and smashed again, and then she took a cab to Grand Central and took a train to Connecticut to see her family. It was funny because we never spoke of it again. I guess everything worked out fine. However, I’m not going to lie. I was worried that she would spill the beans whenever they were alone together.

We both continued to live in “sin” for the next four months. When my season was over I moved back to Hermosa Beach. My girl’s friend was there, as she worked for E! Entertainment and had to be on set everyday. My lady stayed out on the East coast for a few extra weeks visiting with family that I found to be terribly annoying but generally nice people. So while I was back I began going on my usual post-season tear that includes days of drunken madness all over Hollywood and the South bay. I believe it was the second week back when I went to a party at my boy Brian’s in Hermosa where she was at. We played everything off cool and relaxed in front of my friends. Towards the end of the party, everyone there decided we would all go out to the bars. This girl, said that she wanted to go out with all of us but needed to run home and grab her purse and throw on a sweatshirt first. She asked me if I would accompany her, and being the amazing upstanding gentleman that I am, I obliged. She only lived four blocks away and the bars weren’t far after that. We told everyone there that we would meet them at the bar in about thirty minutes. I’m sure most can guess what happened next.

We walk into her place and she turns on the TV. She says she will be a few minutes and grabs me a beer. I just sat back and waited on the couch. After about ten minutes I am starting to grow impatient and ask her what she is doing. I walk down the hallway of her two bedroom apartment and knock on her door. She opens up the door brisk fully and tells me to come in. She is uncertain of which top to wear, so I tell her to wear the red one. She threw it on the ground and then attacked me. We ended up falling onto her bed and she began to act like a professor from Harvard. She decided that I needed some knowledge, and didn’t waste a second educating me. We ended up mashing cakes, obviously, and never made it out to the bar. I heard my phone ringing off the hook while I was in stride, but it never fazed me. I gave her the true Legend treatment. The funny part for me was when we woke up in the morning and smashed again, after I had just glazed her back she turned around, dripping with goo, and said how bad she felt about what she had done to her friend. Hahaha! What a dumb chick. She was going to tell me this now? With my shit all over her? Wow! I told her that I agreed and that we couldn’t do this anymore.

All of these events led to believe that woman are just as scandalous as men. We all do the same shit, it’s just that men (most) are not as clever about it. It’s not necessarily a bad thing; I just feel that people should be more open and honest about it. For instance, me writing to woman all over the world about my sexual conquests. They may say that I am gross, and immature, but it is actually them that are immature. I am honest. I have nothing to hide. Some of my words could be vulgar, but I’m sure that woman talk to other woman the same way about men. Women play their games just as men play theirs, we are all the same.

At the end of this story, I ended up breaking up with my chick and she never found out. Her friend never told her, but during the break-up she got hella salty at me and threw me under the bus about a lot of things to my Boo. That made me want to tell my girl all about the affair but I never did. I figured I would stay on the high road, if you could call it that, and save that card for the future in case I ever needed to play it. The way I look at it, I won. I had the best of both worlds and I still have a card to play incase things come back at me sometime. This is also another example why I am not good in relationships. Even when I do care…I can always be swayed!

Silly-Ass Breezy's

So, it’s official. The Legend of Fieweger’s Pants has been discovered. Just when I thought I had the perfect way to dish silly stories to my guy friends about stuff that we all do, someone had to slip up and tell the hoes. To all the real homie’s out there, have no fear, I will continue to write and ya’ll will continue to read because I am a Legend and I do have great stories. I do this as a form of release. I do it because I have so many outlandish and amusing stories that I feel the need to write about them. I am not doing it in any way to gross out people or to make them look at me with disdain, simply as a man with a story.
My life has been so influxuated with hoes the past five years of my life that it has literally taken a toll on my productivity and creativity. I spend a solid two hours a day text messaging woman, and probably half of that on the phone with them. I usually end up going on two actual dates a week and then searching for new prospects on the weekends. It is something that used to seem amusing to me and quite fun at the same time. Now, however, it has become an arduous task that requires constant attention and usually leaves me hurting someone all of the time. It’s not that I don’t care for all of these hoes, it’s just that I am addicted to the next best thing. I am constantly searching for a boo that will be better than the previous. In my five years of “throwing down pimp game” I have come to the conclusion that 95% of hoes are all the same. You get to know them and they seem like a perfect woman. They are put together, sexy, smart, and focused. As always though, they change. They put up their front on you at the beginning, and sometimes it lasts a while, but as sure as Gretzky could play behind the net, and as sure as Kobe is wetter than a typhoon, they all let their true colors out. The woman that you have come to like and respect turns out to be just like the rest of them. I hold very high expectations for any girl that I want to date. It seems that I find those expectations in woman but then they find a way to show me that they were all just a front.
I have considered taking a leave of abstinence to clear my head of breezy’s and just focus on my own life and “do me” for a while, however it is easier said than done when you are living in Southern California. I usually end up meeting new hoes every weekend and am always intrigued with them throughout the week. Before the week is over, I am off of them and already focused on another breezy. I used to believe that I was cursed. I came to the understanding that ever since I called off things with my fiancée five years ago I was immune to love. I will find a girl and be really into her. We will cupcake on the phone, meet for dinners, and go out and do couples things, but within time I always back out. I don’t think it’s because I’m afraid of getting hurt, I think it’s because I’m afraid of hurting people. I will be with a girl that I actually like, but cannot keep my eyes from wandering. Given the event that I go out without her, I am on the prowl. It is a shitty but a true realization that I have come to deal with. I usually just stop calling the girl or just reply when I’m drunk or bored.
In order to better myself I have set a goal for the year 2010. I plan on only hooking up with women on the first date. I will never let things get drawn out to the point where I am caught up in hours of meaningless conversation, and countless text messages. I want to simplify my life. Every woman wants something more from me, something that I am not willing to do. I DON’T want a wife, I DON’T want a girlfriend, I just want to do me. I need to find woman that have the same values as me. I am not looking for a group of prostitutes by any means, or “trash cans” as they have been deemed by some but I want a career oriented girl that needs to get her pipes cleaned routinely and can leave it at that. Is that too much too ask?
In the end, I am just looking for a good time. I don’t need drama in my life. “You didn’t call me!” “You never responded!” “We were supposed to go out!” “You’re always with your friends!” “You can’t commit to anything!” Fuck that!! If that is what a breezy wants, than check out EHarmony for all I care. There is that one woman out there for me, and I have yet to find her. Even if I did find her right now, I’d probably push her away, just for the fact that I am not like others. I am comfortable being alone, I am comfortable with myself and am comfortable with the way I live. If you can’t understand…stop trying!

Speidi Chiller Round 2

On the third day of 2010 I was still sitting around, wrapped up in a furry blanket eating microwavable dinners and recovering from my lavish New Years Eve celebration. I went so hard on that night that it literally sucked the life out of me for three days. I received a phone call from the one and only dirty bird in my life, Speidi Chiller. I looked at my phone and chuckled. I usually just set it back down and ignore her calls; however I had felt intrigued and very bored considering I haven’t left the house in a while. I answered the call. We had a few minutes of meaningless uncomfortable chatting before she said that she wanted to hang out tonight. I told her that I was pretty busy but I would see what I could do. Speidi told me that she would be drinking with one of her girlfriends and that they were going to get drunk and wanted to play later. Hmmm, interesting I thought. I went back to watching TV and playing video games, but Speidi continued to linger in my head like a fart in a car for a couple hours. Finally I decided that I would lower my moral and physical expectations and give her a shout. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the nasty shit that this girl liked to do, and the fact that I have been with goody-goody girls for the past few months all factored into me deciding to meet up with her.
It was about 7 PM and I peeled myself off the couch and went to the kitchen. I opened the freezer and pulled out the Patron. If I was going to see Speidi I was definitely not going to do it sober. I forced down three shots and then gave her a call. She answered right away and she and her girlfriend were already kind of drunk. They said that they had just left the bar and were back at her place drinking for a little while before they headed back out. I told them that they could stop by my place if they liked. I hoped that this meant that I could bang and then not even have to leave the confines of my own spot. Speidi told me that they would come over in about thirty minutes. I hopped in the shower, made the bed and cleaned up all the sloppiness from the living room. I still had about fifteen minutes to spare so I reverted back to the Patron. 2 more shots down and I was almost to the point where I can deal with annoying stupid bitches. I heard a knock at the door, and I thought, “Well, here we go!” Speidi and her girlfriend walked in. These hoe’s just look like skanks. I wouldn’t say that they are ugly, or even un-attractive, however they have that look to them like they have been around not just the block but the entire state. I popped a bottle of champagne for them while in the meantime I made myself a Patron with a splash of Mountain Dew. I was kind of feeling this situation now. I wasn’t sure if it was because I had just taken five shots in 30 minutes or the ever enticing thought of having a threesome with these two hoe’s. They started getting tipsy and I just sat back and let them do their thing. Speidi and her girl polished off the bottle of champagne in usual skank fashion, by pouring themselves tall glasses and then both drinking out of the bottle and snapping pictures of themselves doing it. At approximately 9:30 PM the girls decided they wanted to go back to their place in Manhattan Beach. I agreed, but said that I would rather drive separately. I didn’t want to be stuck over there for any reason.
We drove the 5 miles to her place in Manhattan Beach. It was actually a very nice place, I was impressed. When we got there, I popped another bottle of champagne and then we all just stood around the kitchen and drank. Both of the girls were being very flirty and I could not wait to be like Fred Flintstone and make her Bed-rock. After we were all getting drunk and silly and I thought the threesome would be imminent. Things were going great and we were all flirting heavily with each other. Her friend decides that she is going to ruin the night and says that she had to go. She said she had to work in the morning at 7am. I was heartbroken. Now I was stuck with only banging Spiedi. She left, and then Speidi decided that we should watch a movie. I was completely thrown off by this. Why was Speidi trying to act like a normal girl? Speidi is a stone cold slut, why is she putting on this front? Watch a movie…please! Speidi started ordering On Demand movies. This chick ended up ordering about five movies at $4.95 a piece. We would watch about 10 minutes of them and then she would decide that she didn’t like it and get a new one. Finally as we are laying close together on the couch and she is ever so slightly feeling on my wiener, her phone rings. She answers it and says, “Hey babe!! How was work? What are you up to?” I just sat back and chuckled to myself. She still had a man! What a slut! She answers her man’s phone calls while sitting on the couch and rubbing another man’s D. “Okay baby, well I’ll see you in a little bit, okay? Alright honey I love you! Bye!” Wow, is all I could think to myself. She is a winner. I sat up and said, “Hey, I think I’m going to go. I didn’t know that you had a man, this is kind of weird.”
As I stood up she grabbed me by the wiener. She said, “Yes I do have a man, but we are on the rocks. Anyways, he won’t be home for 30 minutes. Fuck me!” I stared at her in awe. I couldn’t believe what I just heard come out of her mouth, usually cum just goes in! She peeled off my pants in one swift motion, and next thing you know we are making out in the kitchen. I am carrying her around and we are hitting walls until we finally decide that the marble countertop is going to be the spot. I peel her clothes off and we go directly into some gorilla fucking. Just some of the rawest Discovery Channel type shit you can imagine. 10 minutes later I did my best Rand McNally impression and drew a map of the Hawaiian Islands on her belly, she then got up threw me a towel and wiped herself off. Speidi then told me, “Okay now you gotta go! Go! Seriously, you have got to get out of here…Hurry!” I was amazed. I laughed while I was buttoning up my jeans and fastening my belt. I didn’t argue with her at all, that is basically all she is worth to me anyways. I have never had a woman say that to me before, or better yet I have never been in a situation where I was banging a chick 20 minutes before her man came home either. “Okay, I’m going!” I told her. “Have fun with your man!” I exclaimed on my way out the door. I walked out to my whip and pulled out of the driveway. I laughed hysterically the whole way back. I stopped at McDonalds and got a number nine meal before returning home and calling friends to let them know what happened. They were all just as amused as I was.
Once again Speidi Chiller never ceases to amaze me, or my readers. She is truly a very unique girl. I commend her for being a free spirit and doing what she pleases, however I do feel terrible for her man. He needs to be told what’s going on, but you definitely count on me NOT being the one to tell him! I’m not sure what lies ahead for the Chiller, but I am pretty sure that I will go digging in her guts like a gardener at least one more time. She is always around, and I will probably hit her up sometime when I get drunk.