My Girl's girl

While I was locked up to the last woman that I loved, I was increasingly aware of her best girlfriend always looking like she was born in a drought…she always looked at me as if she was so thirsty it was killing her. I couldn’t really figure her out because she was seeing one of my friends from UCLA at the time and I wasn’t abut to do him dirty, so I didn’t know what she intended to do. I played it off as just another female who was trying to creep into my spandex, and blew her off. After all, I was in a relationship with a woman that I actually cared about and that doesn’t happen to often so I was “trying” to be good. I was dating this girl for about seven months before it was time for me to leave again and go play hockey. With the week that we had left before I had to leave we went on a vacation. She took off of work from her prestigious job in finance, and I just hung up the skates for a week. We decided that we would leave Hermosa and go down to Laguna Beach for three days and stay at the Surf & Sand resort down there. It was fabulous. I had a blast, and even though my parents have a spot only fifteen minutes from there it still felt like a vacation. We did our romantic thing, hitting up all the fancy restaurants and touring the beach city. I walked around in a robe and popped champagne for most of the time. Obviously there was some serious cake-mashing that ensued throughout the whole trip. After the three days there, on our way back to Hermosa we decided that we would prolong our trip and go stay at the Hollywood Roosevelt hotel for the rest of the week. It was an impulse decision but I figured why not, I am going to spend the next five months freezing my ass off in some cold city so I might as well splurge a little bit, literally! So we checked into the Roosevelt and proceeded to indulge in everything that was available at the hotel. I spent my days eating by the pool, my nights dining in the restaurant, and my drinks were at Teddy’s. Every moment that she was in the spa or sleeping in the room, obviously being the Legend that I am, I went to try and do work or at least pick up some digits around the place. Honestly the furthest I got was constantly flirting with the bartender at the Tropicana pool.

When our cup caking week was over we returned to Hermosa. It was about three in the afternoon. We got back, unloaded the Benz and then I told her I would be back in a lil’ bit. I went right over to my “roll-dog’s” spot, Mike. He was glad to see me back and then we spent about three hours on the “stix” aka playing video games and burning trees. His lady at the time, Yung Urs, was gone so he wanted me to go out with him. We started drinking forty ounces and I was ready to go. I had been locked up all week and was desperate to get out and turn my swag on. We went down to the pier, eyes unclear, and went right to “Gria’s.” My Boo was calling me off the hook. Kept asking where I was but I kept ignoring. I was on one by now and didn’t need want her to, “make my high come down.” -Nate Dogg. I sent her messages saying I was with Mike and would be back later. Informed her not to worry, and I would see her soon. She said that she was upset but that she would go see a movie with her girlfriend and then expected me back when she got back. This gave me approximately two and a half hours to do work, and still get home, hop in the shower, and act like I’ve been waiting for her.

After having some fun down at the pier, I walked the two blocks back up to the place. I threw on my Snuggie and flipped on Sportscenter. She came back about thirty minutes later with her girlfriend. They were obviously a little tipsy and came stumbling into the place. Oh great I thought; now I’m going to have to deal with two drunk girls. Turns out they both sat right next to me on the couch and started burning a bowl. They then both started rubbing on me. I assumed they were just joking around. Next thing you know, my girl tells me to kiss her friend. “What?!” I exclaimed. “Are you serious?’ “yes, do it.” She told me. Her girl was looking at me with that all too familiar face that I’d seen countless times. I couldn’t believe that this was happening so I played dumb for a while. I thought that she was trying to get me to do something that would get me in trouble in the future, kind of like how girls always test a man. Turns out, these girls weren’t playing and they both started rubbing on my leg. So I gave the hesitant lean over to her friend and we started making out. This was right up the alley that I have been dreaming of ever since I was a little kid who found his first porno tape.

We all took turns making out. I was in heaven. I had two hot girls making out on my lap, and then we would all switch off. Sure enough within about twenty minutes her girl took off her top and me and my girl took turns doing some breast suckling. This event went down in history with a lot of great moments in my life: my first car, getting drafted, playing my first pro game, scoring my first goal, my first hockey paycheck, and so on and so forth. We then all got up and took it into the bedroom where I did some of the best work of my cheek smashing career. I wrestled with these hoes like a WWE championship match. I went down like a submarine and came up like a balloon. I left the pussies Micro-soft like windows Vista.

After that her girl left and went home. We laid there falling asleep; I could tell that we were both feeling uncomfortable so I gave her a lil smooch and fell asleep. I awoke and she was already gone. Granted she did have to work at 6 am, but she usually gave me a goodbye. After that momentous evening we were all a little hesitant around each other. A couple weeks later I ended up moving away to New Jersey to play. I had my lady out there with me too. She invited the same girlfriend to visit us out there a few times. We never had a giant smash session again but we were all very close. Personally I couldn’t stand her friend but it was something I dealt with just to appease my lady. We ended up eating Thanksgiving dinner at her parent’s house in Connecticut that year as well. So we all stayed very cordial and friendly you could say. This all seemed to be a one-time thing that had just come and gone and I was cool with that until a few weeks later while my chick was out of town her girl hit me up saying that she would be in Manhattan and wanted to hang out. She implied that she had a lot of trees that she brought from California and wanted to party. I have a very low tolerance for saying no to burning trees, so I agreed to meet her. I was just getting back from a road trip that night at around 10 PM, and told her I would drop off my bag at my spot and then meet heart a bar in Soho. I had an awkward feeling about this one. She seemed really excited and thirsty, especially since my Boo was out of town. I was slightly hesitant at first, but figured that there is no way she would go behind her friends back and bang her best friend’s man. Little did I know! We met at an Irish bar and had a few drinks and shots. Next thing you know, we left the bar to go and burn some trees. We walked around blazing up some joints. We stopped by another chic Manhattan lounge that was more towards my spot in the upper-eastside. That led to us sitting down and drinking a few glasses of wine. Now it was approximately 2 in the morning and I had no practice the next day so I took this girl back to my place to regroup for a second. As the cab dropped me off out front of my place, my doorman opened the door for me and saw me with a different chick that I am always with. He gave me a look like he was well aware of what I was doing, and even flashed a little smile. I brought this lil lady up to my spot and poured us a glass of wine. She rolled up a joint while I flipped open the Macbook and tried to find a good after-hours club to go to. I mean, I was now certifiably wet and once you get this locomotive going it is very hard to stop. I kept Googling clubs and stuff like that while she sat on my couch rolling a King Kong joint on my coffee table. Finally she walked over and sat on my lap and lit up the joint. I felt a little weird, but considering our past I just let it slide. We sat there getting blowed as fuck and looking up places to go, before long we were both retarded and not making any conclusions at all. I finally just sat back and legitimately asked her, “Well, what you feel like doing? Give me an idea and we’ll do it.” She seductively leaned into me and softly said, “Well, I can think of one thing that we could do. It would feel really good too!” I looked at her and she was dead serious. I instantly had the two guys on my shoulder. One was telling me to just bang the shit out this girl all night. The other was telling me not to do it because I have a girlfriend that I actually care about. Oh man. What to do? I pondered to myself while she was staring into my eyes for about thirty seconds. I wanted to be good so bad, but my inner Legend prevailed and I succumbed to temptation. I took one last He-man puff off of the joint and let the smoke roll out of my mouth like the Doggfather himself, then grabbed her by the waist and carried her into the bedroom where I had to move some of my girl’s clothes out of the way and off of the bed. Oops! Oh well, she knew what she was getting into. We proceeded to do our thing and tear up the sheets like an Usher video. Long story short, we beat cheeks for a couple hours and then passed out. We woke up and smashed again, and then she took a cab to Grand Central and took a train to Connecticut to see her family. It was funny because we never spoke of it again. I guess everything worked out fine. However, I’m not going to lie. I was worried that she would spill the beans whenever they were alone together.

We both continued to live in “sin” for the next four months. When my season was over I moved back to Hermosa Beach. My girl’s friend was there, as she worked for E! Entertainment and had to be on set everyday. My lady stayed out on the East coast for a few extra weeks visiting with family that I found to be terribly annoying but generally nice people. So while I was back I began going on my usual post-season tear that includes days of drunken madness all over Hollywood and the South bay. I believe it was the second week back when I went to a party at my boy Brian’s in Hermosa where she was at. We played everything off cool and relaxed in front of my friends. Towards the end of the party, everyone there decided we would all go out to the bars. This girl, said that she wanted to go out with all of us but needed to run home and grab her purse and throw on a sweatshirt first. She asked me if I would accompany her, and being the amazing upstanding gentleman that I am, I obliged. She only lived four blocks away and the bars weren’t far after that. We told everyone there that we would meet them at the bar in about thirty minutes. I’m sure most can guess what happened next.

We walk into her place and she turns on the TV. She says she will be a few minutes and grabs me a beer. I just sat back and waited on the couch. After about ten minutes I am starting to grow impatient and ask her what she is doing. I walk down the hallway of her two bedroom apartment and knock on her door. She opens up the door brisk fully and tells me to come in. She is uncertain of which top to wear, so I tell her to wear the red one. She threw it on the ground and then attacked me. We ended up falling onto her bed and she began to act like a professor from Harvard. She decided that I needed some knowledge, and didn’t waste a second educating me. We ended up mashing cakes, obviously, and never made it out to the bar. I heard my phone ringing off the hook while I was in stride, but it never fazed me. I gave her the true Legend treatment. The funny part for me was when we woke up in the morning and smashed again, after I had just glazed her back she turned around, dripping with goo, and said how bad she felt about what she had done to her friend. Hahaha! What a dumb chick. She was going to tell me this now? With my shit all over her? Wow! I told her that I agreed and that we couldn’t do this anymore.

All of these events led to believe that woman are just as scandalous as men. We all do the same shit, it’s just that men (most) are not as clever about it. It’s not necessarily a bad thing; I just feel that people should be more open and honest about it. For instance, me writing to woman all over the world about my sexual conquests. They may say that I am gross, and immature, but it is actually them that are immature. I am honest. I have nothing to hide. Some of my words could be vulgar, but I’m sure that woman talk to other woman the same way about men. Women play their games just as men play theirs, we are all the same.

At the end of this story, I ended up breaking up with my chick and she never found out. Her friend never told her, but during the break-up she got hella salty at me and threw me under the bus about a lot of things to my Boo. That made me want to tell my girl all about the affair but I never did. I figured I would stay on the high road, if you could call it that, and save that card for the future in case I ever needed to play it. The way I look at it, I won. I had the best of both worlds and I still have a card to play incase things come back at me sometime. This is also another example why I am not good in relationships. Even when I do care…I can always be swayed!

Silly-Ass Breezy's

So, it’s official. The Legend of Fieweger’s Pants has been discovered. Just when I thought I had the perfect way to dish silly stories to my guy friends about stuff that we all do, someone had to slip up and tell the hoes. To all the real homie’s out there, have no fear, I will continue to write and ya’ll will continue to read because I am a Legend and I do have great stories. I do this as a form of release. I do it because I have so many outlandish and amusing stories that I feel the need to write about them. I am not doing it in any way to gross out people or to make them look at me with disdain, simply as a man with a story.
My life has been so influxuated with hoes the past five years of my life that it has literally taken a toll on my productivity and creativity. I spend a solid two hours a day text messaging woman, and probably half of that on the phone with them. I usually end up going on two actual dates a week and then searching for new prospects on the weekends. It is something that used to seem amusing to me and quite fun at the same time. Now, however, it has become an arduous task that requires constant attention and usually leaves me hurting someone all of the time. It’s not that I don’t care for all of these hoes, it’s just that I am addicted to the next best thing. I am constantly searching for a boo that will be better than the previous. In my five years of “throwing down pimp game” I have come to the conclusion that 95% of hoes are all the same. You get to know them and they seem like a perfect woman. They are put together, sexy, smart, and focused. As always though, they change. They put up their front on you at the beginning, and sometimes it lasts a while, but as sure as Gretzky could play behind the net, and as sure as Kobe is wetter than a typhoon, they all let their true colors out. The woman that you have come to like and respect turns out to be just like the rest of them. I hold very high expectations for any girl that I want to date. It seems that I find those expectations in woman but then they find a way to show me that they were all just a front.
I have considered taking a leave of abstinence to clear my head of breezy’s and just focus on my own life and “do me” for a while, however it is easier said than done when you are living in Southern California. I usually end up meeting new hoes every weekend and am always intrigued with them throughout the week. Before the week is over, I am off of them and already focused on another breezy. I used to believe that I was cursed. I came to the understanding that ever since I called off things with my fiancée five years ago I was immune to love. I will find a girl and be really into her. We will cupcake on the phone, meet for dinners, and go out and do couples things, but within time I always back out. I don’t think it’s because I’m afraid of getting hurt, I think it’s because I’m afraid of hurting people. I will be with a girl that I actually like, but cannot keep my eyes from wandering. Given the event that I go out without her, I am on the prowl. It is a shitty but a true realization that I have come to deal with. I usually just stop calling the girl or just reply when I’m drunk or bored.
In order to better myself I have set a goal for the year 2010. I plan on only hooking up with women on the first date. I will never let things get drawn out to the point where I am caught up in hours of meaningless conversation, and countless text messages. I want to simplify my life. Every woman wants something more from me, something that I am not willing to do. I DON’T want a wife, I DON’T want a girlfriend, I just want to do me. I need to find woman that have the same values as me. I am not looking for a group of prostitutes by any means, or “trash cans” as they have been deemed by some but I want a career oriented girl that needs to get her pipes cleaned routinely and can leave it at that. Is that too much too ask?
In the end, I am just looking for a good time. I don’t need drama in my life. “You didn’t call me!” “You never responded!” “We were supposed to go out!” “You’re always with your friends!” “You can’t commit to anything!” Fuck that!! If that is what a breezy wants, than check out EHarmony for all I care. There is that one woman out there for me, and I have yet to find her. Even if I did find her right now, I’d probably push her away, just for the fact that I am not like others. I am comfortable being alone, I am comfortable with myself and am comfortable with the way I live. If you can’t understand…stop trying!

Speidi Chiller Round 2

On the third day of 2010 I was still sitting around, wrapped up in a furry blanket eating microwavable dinners and recovering from my lavish New Years Eve celebration. I went so hard on that night that it literally sucked the life out of me for three days. I received a phone call from the one and only dirty bird in my life, Speidi Chiller. I looked at my phone and chuckled. I usually just set it back down and ignore her calls; however I had felt intrigued and very bored considering I haven’t left the house in a while. I answered the call. We had a few minutes of meaningless uncomfortable chatting before she said that she wanted to hang out tonight. I told her that I was pretty busy but I would see what I could do. Speidi told me that she would be drinking with one of her girlfriends and that they were going to get drunk and wanted to play later. Hmmm, interesting I thought. I went back to watching TV and playing video games, but Speidi continued to linger in my head like a fart in a car for a couple hours. Finally I decided that I would lower my moral and physical expectations and give her a shout. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the nasty shit that this girl liked to do, and the fact that I have been with goody-goody girls for the past few months all factored into me deciding to meet up with her.
It was about 7 PM and I peeled myself off the couch and went to the kitchen. I opened the freezer and pulled out the Patron. If I was going to see Speidi I was definitely not going to do it sober. I forced down three shots and then gave her a call. She answered right away and she and her girlfriend were already kind of drunk. They said that they had just left the bar and were back at her place drinking for a little while before they headed back out. I told them that they could stop by my place if they liked. I hoped that this meant that I could bang and then not even have to leave the confines of my own spot. Speidi told me that they would come over in about thirty minutes. I hopped in the shower, made the bed and cleaned up all the sloppiness from the living room. I still had about fifteen minutes to spare so I reverted back to the Patron. 2 more shots down and I was almost to the point where I can deal with annoying stupid bitches. I heard a knock at the door, and I thought, “Well, here we go!” Speidi and her girlfriend walked in. These hoe’s just look like skanks. I wouldn’t say that they are ugly, or even un-attractive, however they have that look to them like they have been around not just the block but the entire state. I popped a bottle of champagne for them while in the meantime I made myself a Patron with a splash of Mountain Dew. I was kind of feeling this situation now. I wasn’t sure if it was because I had just taken five shots in 30 minutes or the ever enticing thought of having a threesome with these two hoe’s. They started getting tipsy and I just sat back and let them do their thing. Speidi and her girl polished off the bottle of champagne in usual skank fashion, by pouring themselves tall glasses and then both drinking out of the bottle and snapping pictures of themselves doing it. At approximately 9:30 PM the girls decided they wanted to go back to their place in Manhattan Beach. I agreed, but said that I would rather drive separately. I didn’t want to be stuck over there for any reason.
We drove the 5 miles to her place in Manhattan Beach. It was actually a very nice place, I was impressed. When we got there, I popped another bottle of champagne and then we all just stood around the kitchen and drank. Both of the girls were being very flirty and I could not wait to be like Fred Flintstone and make her Bed-rock. After we were all getting drunk and silly and I thought the threesome would be imminent. Things were going great and we were all flirting heavily with each other. Her friend decides that she is going to ruin the night and says that she had to go. She said she had to work in the morning at 7am. I was heartbroken. Now I was stuck with only banging Spiedi. She left, and then Speidi decided that we should watch a movie. I was completely thrown off by this. Why was Speidi trying to act like a normal girl? Speidi is a stone cold slut, why is she putting on this front? Watch a movie…please! Speidi started ordering On Demand movies. This chick ended up ordering about five movies at $4.95 a piece. We would watch about 10 minutes of them and then she would decide that she didn’t like it and get a new one. Finally as we are laying close together on the couch and she is ever so slightly feeling on my wiener, her phone rings. She answers it and says, “Hey babe!! How was work? What are you up to?” I just sat back and chuckled to myself. She still had a man! What a slut! She answers her man’s phone calls while sitting on the couch and rubbing another man’s D. “Okay baby, well I’ll see you in a little bit, okay? Alright honey I love you! Bye!” Wow, is all I could think to myself. She is a winner. I sat up and said, “Hey, I think I’m going to go. I didn’t know that you had a man, this is kind of weird.”
As I stood up she grabbed me by the wiener. She said, “Yes I do have a man, but we are on the rocks. Anyways, he won’t be home for 30 minutes. Fuck me!” I stared at her in awe. I couldn’t believe what I just heard come out of her mouth, usually cum just goes in! She peeled off my pants in one swift motion, and next thing you know we are making out in the kitchen. I am carrying her around and we are hitting walls until we finally decide that the marble countertop is going to be the spot. I peel her clothes off and we go directly into some gorilla fucking. Just some of the rawest Discovery Channel type shit you can imagine. 10 minutes later I did my best Rand McNally impression and drew a map of the Hawaiian Islands on her belly, she then got up threw me a towel and wiped herself off. Speidi then told me, “Okay now you gotta go! Go! Seriously, you have got to get out of here…Hurry!” I was amazed. I laughed while I was buttoning up my jeans and fastening my belt. I didn’t argue with her at all, that is basically all she is worth to me anyways. I have never had a woman say that to me before, or better yet I have never been in a situation where I was banging a chick 20 minutes before her man came home either. “Okay, I’m going!” I told her. “Have fun with your man!” I exclaimed on my way out the door. I walked out to my whip and pulled out of the driveway. I laughed hysterically the whole way back. I stopped at McDonalds and got a number nine meal before returning home and calling friends to let them know what happened. They were all just as amused as I was.
Once again Speidi Chiller never ceases to amaze me, or my readers. She is truly a very unique girl. I commend her for being a free spirit and doing what she pleases, however I do feel terrible for her man. He needs to be told what’s going on, but you definitely count on me NOT being the one to tell him! I’m not sure what lies ahead for the Chiller, but I am pretty sure that I will go digging in her guts like a gardener at least one more time. She is always around, and I will probably hit her up sometime when I get drunk.

Operation In & Out Success

This silly-ass evening started similar to most. I show up at Mike’s with a couple bottles of Goose and Champagne, trees are burned and then we rally our posse and make moves. We were at Mike’s spot in Redondo Beach and decided that we were going to drive to Hollywood that night. We brought our dear friend AZ. AZ is another cat that lives by us and is on the same level of swagger and has a P.H.D. in Pimpology. AZ is a ball player as well, and our other friend who came with us is my homie from high school RG, who is equally swagged. AZ and RG know each other from college at the University of Oregon. AZ came over to Mike’s place while we were having some drinks. I’d recommend a third Grey Goose, a third Veuve Clicquot Champagne, and a third Red Bull. Shit will set you loose after a few. AZ said that he would drive, so Mike and I began putting down the sauce like a fat kid at a frozen yogurt buffet.

We have been drinking for about an hour now when we decide its time to go. Believe me you do a lot of drinking at Mike’s place because he doesn’t have a TV right now, so all we do is bump songs and chug booze. We made a couple roadie bottles and headed out to AZ’s whip. We pile in the 745, which I must say is the only whip where I can comfortably sit in the back seat, and head off for Sunset Blvd. where we are meeting RG. We swooped RG from a spot that is right off of Sunset and the 405 because he lives on the beach in Malibu so we weren’t about to make that trek. Now we are all rolling in the Bimmer chugging roadies. RG and I are burning a bouquet of Mary Jane’s flowers in the back while the others rotate on being DJ. It took us about twenty minutes to get to our destination. We arrived at the club called Kress. We parked in the front and walked right in. RG was meeting some chick there, and so was Mike. Meanwhile AZ and I were rolling solo dolo so we were on the prowl. We all got a table on the lower floor and just kind of relaxed for a hot minute. Within 10 minutes we had a bottle and people started coming by our table. There was a plethora of hoes to choose from. Tall hoes, short hoes, skinny hoes, fat hoes, black hoes, and white hoes. As it turns out there was a rap show that was about to be performed in the middle of the club, and luck has it that I knew one of the rappers. He’s actually a really good musician/singer/rapper that I met at my boy’s comedy show. They performed in the club and then brought their whole posse of hoes over to our table as well. It was like sitting at a table in an old school Jay-Z video.

After an hour or so both RG and Mike were on track to get the Hostess award for cup caking kings of the night. They were all cozy at our booth chilling, while AZ and I took it upon ourselves to leave no hoe behind. We were now the two tallest dudes in the club now that Mike was sitting down and caking, and we had the best dance moves in the club by far. I was a bit worried for AZ at one point because I thought he might grind his dick completely off on this little chicks back! Clipse said something about it, “Griinding!” I was bouncing around from cheeks to cheeks doing my thing. I even got myself into a dance-off with like three black dudes. Not a good look, however they all gave me credit for trying. I guess I need a little more practice in front of the mirror.

When 145 AM rolled around Mike stood up and said that he was leaving with his booski. RG followed suit about 5 minutes later. This left just AZ and I to do work with limited amounts of time before the club shut down.AZ ended up pulling the one breezy, who had a hole dug into her back from his meat. She had two friends with her that were both work though, so I just introduced myself and let them filter themselves out of my equation. We walked out to the car and these hoes piled in. AZ’s chick tried to get shotgun but rest assured that I put her in her place…the backseat. As we pulled out of the club, they told us that they had to go to their car. I though for sure we would be done, but they promised that they would just move their car or go to their place and then we’d meet up. So we obliged and took them to their car and dropped them off. AZ had a brilliant idea after they were gone. “Dude, you wanna go to In & Out burger?” AZ said. “Bro, does a bear shit in the woods!” I responded. We drove down Hollywood Blvd to In & Out and went inside. The place was absolutely packed with drunken people and weirdo’s. We ordered ourselves each a meal and began the waiting game. I was out of cash so AZ paid and we only had one receipt. While we were sitting there I noticed that it was an absolute madhouse in the place, people were all over the counter just waiting for their food. In my drunken state I got a real shady idea. I looked around for a quick second and then found exactly what I was looking for, a receipt that was on the ground. I told AZ to watch this and see if it worked. I walked up to the counter and laid the receipt down amongst the masses of people. A chick that was working there looked at me and then looked at the receipt. I expected her to just laugh and walk away. Instead she said, “Hold on sir!” She handed me an order that was just called! It was two burger meals! I couldn’t believe it so I just grabbed it and walked right outside. AZ looked at me like I was nuts. Then he called me when I was sitting outside eating with all the weirdo’s and asked if he really just saw me do that. I ensured him that, yes, I just scammed burgers from In & Out. I told him to grab me a coke and wait for our order. He did so and next thing you know…AZ and I are eating like drunken Kings! We each got two full meals and were now ready to burn some doedoe and find some breezy’s.

Within a couple minutes of leaving AZ and I were full on food and had one thing left on our mind. We both just ate fast food but were trying to get in some box like Jack. AZ’s chica hit us up and said that one of her friends left but she still had one that wanted to come out with us. So we decided to meet them at their place which was a 10 minute drive located in Beverly Hills. It was an average apartment in the middle of a nice area. AZ parked the whip outside and we looked at each other, gave some dapps, took a shot of Goose, and then walked in. We knocked at the door and his chick answered, she threw her arms around him and they were social for about 15 minutes with me and this other girl whose name was Jaimee. First of all, any girl that spells her name like that with two “ee’s,” has got to be a hoe, or at least a stripper. I had that thought in the back of my mind as we sat on her couch watching TV. Within a few minutes we started hearing moaning coming out of the bedroom that AZ was in. He was obviously on the clock doing work. Now everyman knows it kind of puts an awkward sense of urgency on you to hurry and start hooking up with a chick when you hear your boy doing work in the other room. I would like to know what ladies think about that as well. We both gave each other a look and then kind of just leaned in and got at each other. She was a slow moving lady. She took her time and was grinding on me like we were at a D’ Angelo concert. I was having fun with it, and then she pushed me back and decided to educate me with some of her knowledge. I’m not sure how to explain this chick’s brains, maybe a Rhodes Scholar? She could be on the New Orleans Saints, because she got that SuperDome. You could say that she played for the Seattle Mariners back in the day and has the KingDome! I was very impressed. I finished up in only a couple minutes, which actually made my night because I really wasn’t trying to be creeping in the sheets all night. She took down all the gravy, after all it was the holidays. I was cleaned up and dressed again and then AZ came walking out. He asked if I was ready to go. I looked at my new found tutor and she told me to go ahead and leave. This was actually a chick that I continually see now because of the dome & Go factor. She’s not looking for a man, but she’s looking for a legend to beat it up every now and then. AZ and I left and he started laughing as soon as we got in the car. He told me that his chick dropped to her knees as soon as he shut the door, I informed him that it was basically the same thing outside in the living room. We had a good laugh while we blew some trees on the drive back to the beach. AZ dropped me off and then drove home himself. I’m not sure if he still keeps in contact with his little boo from the evening, but I definitely holler at mine when I go to Hollywood. Yung Jaimee, you’re a pro girl. You can literally say that AZ and I had an In & Out evening.

First pic: Me & AZ

Second Pic: AZ and his boo. Me & my tutor is on the right

Third pic: RG and his Boo for the evening

Fourth pic: Mike and his Booski

Rando

It was just another slow night by the beach. I had just finished everything that I had to do for the day and was winding down. I made myself Asian stir-fry and was quietly drifting off with a meaningless college football game in the background. Granted it was only 7pm I was still pretty tired from the day. As I was on the verge of completely falling asleep my phone rang abruptly. I had forgotten to turn it to vibrate. It was Mike. He was calling to see what was up and asked if I wanted to watch the Laker game with him and his chick somewhere. I reluctantly agreed. It took me a few minutes to pull myself from the nest that I had created on the couch, which had Gatorades, doedoe, Nilla Wafers, and Nyquil all within arms reach. I changed my clothes and hopped in my car and proceeded to Redondo Beach. It took me only five minutes to get there so I stopped and picked up a bottle of champagne on the way. I had no idea what this night would turn out to be.
I walked into Mike’s place to find him and his chick both cutting and trimming their nails in unison. It seemed kind of silly to me, like they were having a Mani Pedi party. I brought in the bottle and we popped it right away. We sat around talking for a while, just basically shooting the shit. Within 10 minutes the bottle of Champagne was gone and all it did was make me want to drink even more. I think Mike was on the same swag level as me because just as I was thinking of going to the store to grab a little something he stood up and opened the freezer and pulled out a big bottle of vodka. Mike and I both started pouring ourselves about 60-40 mixes of vodka and Tampico, the Mexican version of orange juice. Within an hour of me getting to Mike’s the bottle is halfway gone and we are preparing to leave. We walk outside and his chick pulls up the whip. She forgot her purse inside so we both agree to get it. When we get inside I grab the purse and start walking out. I was almost to the door before Mike grabbed me and said, “Hold up. Let’s take a shot or two first. She’ll wait” I couldn’t agree with the kid more. Mike and had basically killed a big-ass bottle of vodka in about an hour and twenty minutes. Did I mention that I was perfectly content to fall asleep only two hours ago? Funny how drastically your night can change in a matter of an hour.
Now we are in his chick’s car. It is a 650 BMW, so I obviously had to sit in the back like a cholo. We put the top down so that I could even get in the back seat. Imagine driving next to a 2 seater that has a 7 footer in the front seat and a 6’ 6” guy wedged like a tampon in a box in the backseat with a lil chick driving. Just a silly sight. We pulled up to this place called “Shark Cave” in Manhattan Beach. We heard that it would have the best coverage of the Laker game and the hockey games. We had meant to get food, however the waitress informed us of a drink special that they had and even brought us each out a sampler. It was a “180 bomb.” We ended up putting down about 4 of those as fast as she could bring them out. I had officially become drunk. I stood up to go to the bathroom and while I was waiting outside in line I guess I just completely passed out. Everyone there said that my eyes rolled into the back of my head and I just fell over. That kind of shit has never happened to me before in my life. It was actually kind of scary. Suddenly I was awoken to EMS and paramedics hooking up patches to my chest. What the Fuck? I told them that I was fine and had just had a long day. I swear to god I have no idea how all this happened. They insisted that I was on drugs or something but I don’t mess with that shit so they let me go. What a weird turn of events. I guess it was just all that alcohol hitting me at once with a Mike Tyson-esque K.O.
We left the bar and decided that since I was fine we would go to a different bar and just hang out for a while. We arrived back at Hermosa pier and it was kind of crowded for a mid-week night. Our usual place was pretty empty but we went in anyways. We had a drink and I began to feel legendary again. Seriously I wish I could explain what had happened earlier. After about thirty minutes there we decided that we would go next door to a bar that I despise. We walked in and one of the bartenders knew Mike from a previous incident and decided to get us all shots. Just like Kobe doing a turnaround jumper, you could guarantee that I was in. We ended up doing a few of those, and next thing you know I’m doing the “stanky legg,” dance and grinding on some breezy that I don’t even know in the middle of the floor. We all hung out for a little while before we decided it was time to bounce. I didn’t even invite this chick back but now I realize in my nearly blacked out state that she is riding in the backseat with me and we are going back to Mike’s spot. I don’t even know her name!
Once back at Mike’s spot we all hang out for a bit, before he and his chick get into an argument about something. All of a sudden voices are being raised and names are being called so I ask the girl if she wants to go outside for a while. We stood outside for a few minutes contemplating what are next move would be. She wanted to go to her place which was close by but I was not going to drive anywhere. As I am debating this I get a tongue slammed down my throat. Touché young hoe, touché. We make out for a little bit before I decide that this needs to be taken somewhere. My car was parked in the front spot of the Condominium’s complex right next to the walking path. That didn’t stop me from thinking that this would be a great spot to beat cheeks.
As gentlemanly as possible I had her wait for a minute while I moved both of the front seats as far forward as possible. I went from the passenger side then walked all the way around to the driver side, smiling and making small talk in the process. Then I opened the door for her, let her in. I walked to my side and started the car halfway and put on the new Lil Wayne mix tape, No Ceilings. Such a romantic. We proceeded to get buck-nasty like a couple of animals on the Discovery Channel. It was difficult to do work with my lanky-ass all hunched over and dripping sweat like I was in a sauna. We did make it through most of the traditional positions in the back however. When we finished up the windows were completely fogged up and I had a pile of nut in my backseat, wasn’t happy about that. So while we were putting our clothes back on she asked for her shirt and I, “Accidentally” wiped up my pile of goo on the back of her shirt. I think I actually made the shirt look better! It looked like a tie-dye shirt. I deserve a design award.
We were all dressed, and then she asked me if I could give her a lift home. I definitely was done looking at this breezy so I obliged. I hopped into the front seat and turned the keys to the car. “ch…ch…ch…ch…ch…ch.” once again, “ch…ch…ch...ch...ch...ch.” Fucking car had died from leaving Weezy on while we beat cheeks for over an hour! So I thought quickly. I could just get her out of the car and run all the way home without saying anything accept, “Peace Biyotch!” I considered that accept, she would probably do something to my car, and it was like 40 blocks. So she called a cab and they said it would be 40 minutes. Really? Forty minutes at 2am in the morning, what the hell are they doing? Rando informed me that she had food at her place and it was literally 5 blocks away. I agreed to walk with her because I couldn’t drive and you know how a kid’s got to eat after smashing cheeks. We walked it out and finally got to her place. It was a decent spot, still though I could drive past it a hundred times and not be able to tell you which one it was. I was still pretty smashed. We got there and fooled around for a bit. I did have liquor dick however and my shit was like a wet spaghetti noodle. It could have also been all the University of Michigan stuff that she had all over her room. Being a Notre Dame guy it bugged the shit out of me and made it hard to concentrate. I eventually passed out with her trying to cuddle all up on my shit. I rolled over and made her like a barnacle on the back of a whale.
I awoke to Rando’s face about two inches from mine. “Hey. Hey, good morning sweetie. I got to go to work in a few minutes.” I literally looked at her like a complete stranger. I had no idea where I was or how I’d gotten there. I stood up and put my clothes on, and then it all started coming back to me. I gave her a kiss and got her phone number and then split. I walked for about three blocks before I found a main road that I recognized and trucked all the way back to Mikes place. I felt like such a douche walking on the sidewalk at 8am in clothes that were all wrinkled from last night holding a phone charger. Anyways I made it back to my car, the bitch started right up and I drove home and slept till about 430pm.
Only a week later Rando began hitting me again. It started off with the occasional text message that I would ignore, but then it crept into getting called like twice a day. I was getting annoyed. On the following Friday night, she must have hit me up like 20 times from the bar. She was obviously drunk and wanted some of that vitamin D that only Legend can give. I was out with a group of friends so I led her on through a series of text messages. Finally when I was good and drunk I gave her a call at 130am. She was more than willing to come over even though she was already sleeping. I got home and began raiding the fridge, and while I was stuffing my face with a turkey sandwich she walked in. “Oh, hey. What’s up?” I said. She walked in and sat down on the couch next to me. I offered her a drink if she wanted one because I had a flock of geese in the freezer. She said no, so I went and pulled out one of the Grey Goose’s and took two shots then said, “Okay, let’s do this!” I’ve never said that to a random chick before in that context but it worked like a charm. We went right into my room and began going at each other. We did all the regulars except I was really drunk and lazy so I just laid there for most of it and let her ride the D-train express. After a while I flipped her around and we went into banging like the animal that she most reminded me of. She was on all fours and I was chiseling away at the interior when I put my hands on her butt cheeks and for some reason I spread them apart. At that moment she totally farted. “Ppppphhhhff.” I couldn’t believe it. I started laughing to myself hysterically. It didn’t even faze her though; she just played right through it. I was still going and laughing at the same time until about ten seconds later when I began getting whiffs of straight doo-doo. This breezy had ripped poo particles in my face! That shit stunk! Wow! I tried to move away from it and even waft it out of my face but the shit was pungent! I had to roll over and let her back on. I was soo disgusted, but couldn’t help but think that it was partly my fault for giving her the quick spread. I went into my happy place and finished up. I then threw a towel at her and rolled over and went to sleep. She woke me in the morning to bang again. I did it, and then walked her to her car. We got there and I gave her a small kiss and said, “Well, see ya later!” I was so over her. I don’t want a girl dropping unauthorized doody-bombs in my bed unless I give you permission.
She called me later that day and left me a voicemail saying, “Hey its me, I have a pretty good feeling you’re not going to call me back, but I just wanted to have some more fun with you. Call me, hope to see ya soon.” I never responded and hope I never see her again. She is annoying, not that hot, decent in bed, farted on me, went to U. of M, and calls to much. Have a nice life chica, and keep a grip on your flatulence.

Spiedi Chiller

I have spent a lot of time in the Hermosa Beach area. Mike and I were roommates there during the off-season and both grew attached to the place. The locals are very nice people and extremely laid back. It’s a shorts and flip flop type of town just twenty minutes from Hollywood. We lived in a house that was only three blocks from the ocean and approximately 5 blocks from the Pier. The Pier is where all of the bars in the area are located. That place always has something going on. Every single night of the week you can find at least one bar or club that is packed full of people and beautiful women running wild. If you have a normal nine to five day job, it seems like a very tough environment to live in and stay focused. If it is your off-season residence its all you really need.
Most of my days would consist of waking up late, not always in my own bed, going for a run on the beach or “the Strand” as the locals call it, then going to lift some weights. During the beginning of the summer I would only skate a few days a week. After I had my workouts and daily errands done, usually around 6pm, I would cook myself a hearty dinner and then start text messaging as many available ladies I could tolerate that are all within walking distance. It was such an easy routine to fall into. The weeks just flew by. Mike and I were both in relaxation mode in March. We had plenty of time to go easy before the serious training would begin in May.
One random Tuesday night, Mike and I were sitting around gambling. When I say gambling I mean we will bet a bong hit on every game of EA sports that we play. It is a great way to entertain yourself if you don’t want to go to the beach. On that day, we started playing at around 4pm after we had loaded up on Pita Pit. After hours of clowning around and playing games Mike finally hit pause and said, “Damn dude. It’s dark out!” I agreed. Where did the day go? “What time is it?” I asked. “Man, its 10 o’clock. You want to go out tonight?” Mike said. I wasn’t in the most active mood, but I thought what the hell. “Yeah, sure. Let’s do it. I’ll go to Ralph’s and grab some forty’s while you shower.” I stated. Mike agreed. I drove to the store picked up 4 forty’s of Mickey’s. I know a lot of people think its ghetto, but I really don’t care. Some times you feel like drinking classy alcohol, and sometimes you just feel like spending two bucks and getting a buzz. Tonight was the latter.
I got back to find Mike already showered and almost ready to go. All I had to do was throw some jeans on and a fresh Tee. So we played another game of NBA09 and chugged half a forty after every quarter. After another loss, I packed Mike a rip and then took one myself. It was now 11pm and we began walking down to the pier. We decided to go to a place that is always filled with people, it’s called, “Jaws.” This place is new, trendy and has good menu with stiff drinks. The bouncers at this place are the only downfall. They are such D-bags that I usually can’t tolerate the place. I know a lot of people complain about club bouncers all the time. I’ve heard it a million times over. I have been to hundreds of clubs and bars all over the world, but these guys have to be some of the biggest meat heads and idiots around. They also don’t like the fact that Mike slammed the owner’s lady while in Vegas and in Hollywood. Che!
We walked in and sat down by the bar. It was pretty packed. I always end up seeing most of the same people when I go out in Hermosa. That is the one of things that I don’t like. I do a lot of dirt in the streets and the last thing I want is some girl that I randomly banged while on the verge of being blacked-out to come back and cock block me. Cary-Rosanne!! That’s why I prefer to do my dirt in Hollywood, or similar places where people won’t recognize you and don’t have a bad story to tell about you.
At around 11:30pm Mike and I have put back a few drinks and are just sitting down relaxing and letting our HOEnar surveillance do some work. I get up and go to the bathroom, I do my thing, and wash my hands of course lady’s. When I walk out I am confronted by a girl and I have no idea who she is. She blocks my path downstairs to the bar. She is a pretty cute girl, so I smile at her, and say hello. She responds with, “You play hockey don’t you?” What the fuck? Did I slay this girl one night and don’t remember? Did I take down her roommate or her friend? How does she know that? I said, “Excuse me, I don’t want to be rude, but do I know you?” She kept looking harder into my eyes as if reading my soul. “Answer the question.” She barked. Damn, I thought, what’s going on here. I was just wearing a plain white tee shirt with jeans, Nike shoes and a Jordan hat. How did she get hockey out of that? I gave up thinking and just responded, “Yes, I play hockey Do you?” I stated. “I knew it! I could tell by your look, and your big ass.” She exclaimed.
We exchanged names. Her name was Speidi Miller. I told her it was nice to meet her and maybe I’ll see her around. The usual leave me alone chat. Speidi allowed me go back downstairs after that. She was staring at me the whole way back down. I went up to Mike and told him what happened. He started laughing, and then I casually pointed her out when she came back downstairs. We both continued to sit there posted up like stamps scanning the bar. It wasn’t the best of nights as far as vagina hunting was concerned. So I was open to see what if Speidi would come back.
Sure enough Speidi walked up to me twenty minutes later and said, “Let me buy you a drink.” Whoa! I’m still in California right? That shit doesn’t happen. She can’t be from here. I more than happily agreed. After all she was definitely not ugly, and I am definitely not that picky. So I told her that I wanted a Long Island Iced tea. She reached through some people and ordered us drinks. Mike gave me a look like, wow! Who is this chick? She turned around within minutes and had my drink however she also had two shots of tequila. Uh-oh. Tequila has put my dick into some crazy situations before. We put these down and then started talking. She told me that she had dated many hockey players before. A few NHL guys too. That is not something any hockey player wants to hear. We know how dirty every guy in the locker room is, multiply that by all the teams in the country and you’re looking at pure whores.
She was from Minnesota and moved out here to be a nanny in Manhattan Beach. This girl was very up-front in conversation. Usually ladies are more reserved. Within ten minutes of chatting she finally asked about Mike. “Is this your friend?” “Yeah, this is Mike.” I responded. They introduced themselves and chatted for about a minute. After that she said, “Hey I’m going to go grab my girlfriend that’s here with me. We can all do a shot together, and then go to her place after the bar. You’re friend will like her. Okay?” I looked at her and just nodded my head. Once she scattered off, I turned to Mike and told him that I think some girl had just picked us both up! He was hesitant. “Lets just wait and see what her friend looks like bro.” He had a very valid point. She could just be trying to liquor us up in hopes that someone would bang her fat friend. I’ve seen it a hundred times.
She brought over her friend whose name was “Kia.” She was definitely not ugly. She looked like a Latino Kim Kardashian. I was a disappointed that I had gotten Speidi. I wanted to call my agent and ask for a trade. Oh well, I pondered, I will always live to see another breezy. Mike was pleased with Kia, considering that Kim Kardashian is his celebrity crush, so they started in on their conversation. Meanwhile, Speidi Came at me full force. She was obviously a groupie. I have no quarrels with that though. I consider myself a groupie as well, because if there is a group of hot girls I’ll do the whole group! Speidi was over the top, running her mouth faster than a street pimp. After fifteen minutes of chatting she started talking to me about sex and how she hated her boyfriend, and her favorite ways to get banged. Hmmm, interesting I thought. Five minutes later our conversation abruptly turned to porno. Believe me I couldn’t tell you how but she was just one of those freaks. She told me all about her favorite sites. I informed her that I was no rookie to the porno game and pulled up all the mobile porn I have on my phone. Now here I am sitting in the middle of this crowded bar, watching porno movies on my phone with a girl I have known for only an hour. Wow! This got her so juiced up. Mike and his Kia were sitting next to us but they were obviously immersed in conversation and flirting.
After a short while we all decided that we would take a cab to Kia’s place which was in North Redondo.
Once we got there Kia whipped out a bottle of Tequila which, judging by her Latino roots, was her favorite. She kept saying, “Let’s go to Mexico!” It took me a minute to interpret that it was chica code for taking shots of tequila. We ended up doing about three rounds of shots in total, it gave me wicked heart burn but now I was ready to dominate this girl. Never have I been able to sit down and have a girl be as into porn as me. I’m not a porn fiend by any means, but I do have a fond appreciation for it. I thought that this could be one of the freakiest bangs of my career. After a while of us all clowning and telling pointless stories that no one would remember in the morning Mike laid down on the bed with Kia. It was a studio apartment, so there was only one room. Speidi was pretty intoxicated at this point, I was to for that matter. Speidi now decided she would put on a strip show for all of us. Mike and I covertly looked at each other like, ‘damn, is this really happening?’ While putting on her show she later, told us that she used to strip while in college. I hope so, because she looked like a pro. She was spinning all over the floor with her legs looking like the propellers of a helicopter. She managed to turn her tank top into a dress, which meant that she was flashing her Bumble Bee tuna to everyone, including Kia. Kia looked somewhat grossed out, but not enough to say anything or stop her for that matter. I couldn’t help but think that this might turn into a gang-bang of sorts. After about a fifteen minute strip tease, I was definitely feeling some blood flow. I was ready to smash her vagina like Gallagher crushes Watermelons.
I didn’t know how I was going to pull this off. A) I had no car. B) I just met her, so she wasn’t worthy of a hotel room. She could just be a tease or pass out on me. C) It was a small apartment with only one bed, not even a bedroom. Speidi got up and went to the bathroom. I looked at mike and by this time, Kia was laying on top of Mike, straddling him and they were doing there thing. As soon as I heard the toilet flush I got up and walked into the closet that led to the bathroom. She came out and I made the bold move of just grabbing her by the hips. Usually I am a laid back, let them come to me kind of guy but this girl had me ready to beat cheeks, so I had to go on offense.
Speidi didn’t hesitate for a second. We immediately started going to town on each other. She was the kind of multi-talented girl that could undo your pants and not even miss a beat while kissing. We were in Kia’s closet which was about 4’ x 7’. Not too much room to operate, but I have worked in smaller offices before so I knew I could pull it off. I picked her up and gently laid her down to the floor. She didn’t like the gentle stuff at all! She kept telling me to pull her hair and choke her. Well, if you insist I thought. I finger-blasted the shit out of Speidi for a while before she asked me for my cock. She asked for my cock! “Give me that dick,” she said. I got up on my knees and presented her with my wiener. Who am I tell a girl no. You could tell that this girl had watched a lot of porno by the way she sucked a dick. She spat all over my lil guy, and then was gagging herself on it. What a good girl. She sucked my dick like it was 115 degrees and she was trying to save every last drop the last melting Popsicle in California.
After a heavenly few minutes of porno sucking she laid back down and told me to fuck her. “Fuck me and Fuck me hard!” she exclaimed. I was not about to let this girl down, so I did as told. I gave her bunny rabbit humps. Super fast and to the point. She loved it. She made sure that I continued to choke her throughout the whole process. I am always weary of how hard to choke a girl when she asks for that. I am a pretty strong guy. My friends used to joke that I was like Lenny from ‘Of Mice and men’ not fully aware of his own strength. So I gave Speidi about 30% of my strength which seemed to suffice. I haven’t banged a broad with rabbit tendencies in quite a long time, usually its just calculated slams and gyrating thrusts, love making if you will. All this rabbit fucking had me ready to give her the goo in about eight minutes. I told her that I was about to come and to my delight she pulled away which startled me at first, but then said she wanted me to blow in her mouth. Holler! She was a pro. If it were the league she would be on her second contract making big bucks by now, she’d been around. To my delight she took every last drop of my little Michael Phelps swimmers and loved it. I damn near fell over the top of her while she was doing so. My knees buckled and I had to grab on to Kia’s dresses for balance. That was amazing. She got up casually and went to the bathroom, washed off her box, put her shirt on without saying anything to me and then walked into the other room where Mike and Kia were. I laid there not being able to regain control of my legs for a few minutes. I eventually gave up on trying to be social and fell asleep right in Kia’s closet.
I awoke in the wee hours of the morning to mike kicking me in the leg. He was laughing and made sure to snap an iPhone picture of me sleeping in a closet with just my underwear on. We left the two little floozies sleeping and started walking back toward Hermosa. It was impossible to find a cab at 5am so we just walked back along the beach looking like exactly what we had just done, getting wasted and banging whores all night. It was about a thirty minute walk and once we got back we proceeded to pass out. Not to shabby for a night where we were hesitant to go out in the first place. I awoke at about two in the afternoon. I was definitely not feeling a workout that day, but I did try. I went to the gym and did about five minutes on the treadmill. Those made me almost throw-up. I decided that it was strictly the steam room for me. I got back around 4 and had a bunch of messages from Speidi. She wanted to see me again. Hmm, I am really not a fan of seeing a girl again if I bang on the first meeting. I mean, what else is there left to conquer? However I told her I would meet her at the pier. I decided that this would be a solo mission. I went down to the pier and caught the tail end of happy hour with her. She was all over my nuts. She kept telling me about how much she wanted to fuck again. I told her that yeah, I would love to bang again. She wanted to kiss me in the bars though. I hate that! I don’t want to be seen kissing in public, especially in the town where I live. There is always someone at the bar that knows me or some girl that I want to bang, so I don’t want to give off the wrong impression. That impression being…taken. Once again I found myself watching porno on my phone with Speidi. I got worked up and grabbed her and said, “lets go for a walk real quick.” I was not about to take this girl back to my spot, because she definitely had stalker quality’s. I let my playmaking sense take over and walked across the pier to a fancy hotel. Speidi asked, “What are we doing? Where are we going?” I told her that she would see in a few minutes. We walked right into the lobby of this hotel and hopped in the elevator. I took it straight to the top. As soon as the doors shut, we started making out. I went to the stairwell and found that the door to the roof was not locked. I opened it up and took her right next to all the big HVAC machines. We made out for a second and then she dropped to her knees and began slurping. Once again more porno sucking. I told her to turn around and she instantly obeyed. I pounded this girl out on the roof of this hotel while the sun was going down. We banged for a while then of course she swallowed all my little legends! After that we walked right back to the bar. This girl wasn’t done yet however. She told me that the family she nanny’s for was out of town for the night and wanted me to come over. I agreed and told her I would be over later.
I drove over to her house around 9pm. I walked in and all she had on was a bathrobe covering up her sexiest outfit of lingerie. We went and sat in her hot-tub for a while. After that it was straight to the bedroom. We started getting nasty again. We are both naked lying in bed and then her phone rings, she broke away to answer it. I thought this was odd. Then she told me to be quiet and not say a word. It was her boyfriend! I am not the classiest of guys but one thing I do respect is a relationship, I have been cheated on before, Callaway, and I hated it. It stung, so I told myself that I would never be home-wrecker again. Unless it was something that you absolutely cannot pass up. I felt so awkward just laying there while she talked to her man. He was a doctor and had to work an extra shift in the ER room. She was cup caking with him for about five minutes telling him how much she loved him, missed him, and how she couldn’t wait to see him once he was off work. I almost got up and left. It makes me sick to think that girls are scandalous like that. She just had my dick in her mouth ten minutes ago!
Once she hung up with him, she rolled over and said, “Okay, let’s fuck!” I was already feeling scummy so I figured what the hell. She got me back up from six to noon, and then got on all fours. We did the dirty dog for a little bit, and then she turned her head around like an owl and said, “Do you wanna fuck my ass?” I agreed. Being the gentleman that I am I asked her if she had any lube. I will never in my life forget her response. “No! I want it to hurt!” Times like this I wish I had a built in video camera above my eyebrows. I started laughing on the inside and went for it. We beat cheeks for about thirty minutes; I gave her the dirty whore treatment that she so rightly deserved. Once again I pulled out and filled her mouth with my boys. Once I was done we both collapsed on the bed. I fell asleep for a couple hours.
I awoke at about 6am. She was still sleeping. I grabbed all my clothes and made a bolt for the door. I didn’t want to see her again. I had already ravaged this girl plus she had a man, and I didn’t want any more drama in my life. I vowed that I was done with her after that night. She called me later in the day. Saying that she was disappointed that I was gone, she wanted to fuck again. I lied and said that I had a hockey practice I had to go to early and didn’t want to wake her. She began to tell me some of the grossest and funniest stuff I have ever heard in my entire life! Speidei proceeded to tell me, “God, my guts hurt. Why do my guts hurt?” I told her I have no idea. She says, “Oh that’s right, you fucked me hard!” I started dying laughing! I actually hung up the phone. I couldn’t take it. I was rolling on the floor laughing. She called back in a minute. I answered and put her on speakerphone so my boys could here. I told her that I must have had a bad connection and the call was dropped. What Speidi said next is a nickname that still sticks with me to this day. She called me, “the liver lifter!” at first I had no idea what she was talking about. I thought she was accusing me of taking food out of her fridge. I then told her that I had to go because my Dad was on the other line. Not even a minute later my Friend pieced it together and they all started rolling on the floor laughing. I asked why? “The liver lifter,” This broad was accusing me of moving her internal organs around! Oh my God, this was priceless. I have never even heard of this. I have been through twenty years of locker room talk, and never had this been a term brought up. I felt privileged, but grossed out at the same time. This girl was crazy.
Speidi continued to call me every week for about two months. I never returned her calls because, for one she had a boyfriend. For two, she was way too nutty in the head. I’ve seen Kia since than and she told me that Speidi is obsessed with me. Wow! Speidi Chiller is a girl that made me realize the cold fact that girls can be just as dirty and grimy as guys. I love girls that are sexually free, but she was too much for me to handle. I have never seen Speidi since that day, and just chalk it up to another silly story stemming from the South Bay. I wish her the best of luck, and I wish that her man will someday realize that he’s getting played like a deck of cards with six Kings.

Legendary Tracks vol. 2 October

1) Lil' Wayne - I'm The Truth (Feat. Brisco And Shanell)

2) Soulja Boy - So Cocky Wit It

3)Wiz Khalifa - Wiz Khalifa Vs. Empire of the Sun

4)Hot Dollar feat Trevor Wesley - Why Do Fools

5)Lil' Wayne - Thinking To Myself (Feat. Gudda Gudda, Mack Maine, And Nicki Minaj)

6)Young Jeezy - Trap Or Die 2

7)Lil' Wayne - Swag Surfin'

8)Lil' Wayne - Wasted

9)Asher Roth - Rick Smits

10)Drake - I'm Still Fly

11)Get Money - E-40 feat. Young Jeezy & B-Legit

12)Soulja Boy - Twitter Goin' Ham

13)Lil Wayne - Ice Cream Paint Job

14)Soulja Boy - PlayBall (Feat. Drake)

15)Drake - Beautiful Music (Unreleased Track From 07)
16)USDA - Rep My Hood (feat. Alley Boy)

17)YG - Drunk & High

18)LIL WAYNE FEAT SHORT DAWG - ME & MY DRINK

19)Wiz Khalifa - If I Were A Lame

20)Wiz Khalifa - Take Yo Bitch