I have spent a lot of time in the Hermosa Beach area. Mike and I were roommates there during the off-season and both grew attached to the place. The locals are very nice people and extremely laid back. It’s a shorts and flip flop type of town just twenty minutes from Hollywood. We lived in a house that was only three blocks from the ocean and approximately 5 blocks from the Pier. The Pier is where all of the bars in the area are located. That place always has something going on. Every single night of the week you can find at least one bar or club that is packed full of people and beautiful women running wild. If you have a normal nine to five day job, it seems like a very tough environment to live in and stay focused. If it is your off-season residence its all you really need.
Most of my days would consist of waking up late, not always in my own bed, going for a run on the beach or “the Strand” as the locals call it, then going to lift some weights. During the beginning of the summer I would only skate a few days a week. After I had my workouts and daily errands done, usually around 6pm, I would cook myself a hearty dinner and then start text messaging as many available ladies I could tolerate that are all within walking distance. It was such an easy routine to fall into. The weeks just flew by. Mike and I were both in relaxation mode in March. We had plenty of time to go easy before the serious training would begin in May.
One random Tuesday night, Mike and I were sitting around gambling. When I say gambling I mean we will bet a bong hit on every game of EA sports that we play. It is a great way to entertain yourself if you don’t want to go to the beach. On that day, we started playing at around 4pm after we had loaded up on Pita Pit. After hours of clowning around and playing games Mike finally hit pause and said, “Damn dude. It’s dark out!” I agreed. Where did the day go? “What time is it?” I asked. “Man, its 10 o’clock. You want to go out tonight?” Mike said. I wasn’t in the most active mood, but I thought what the hell. “Yeah, sure. Let’s do it. I’ll go to Ralph’s and grab some forty’s while you shower.” I stated. Mike agreed. I drove to the store picked up 4 forty’s of Mickey’s. I know a lot of people think its ghetto, but I really don’t care. Some times you feel like drinking classy alcohol, and sometimes you just feel like spending two bucks and getting a buzz. Tonight was the latter.
I got back to find Mike already showered and almost ready to go. All I had to do was throw some jeans on and a fresh Tee. So we played another game of NBA09 and chugged half a forty after every quarter. After another loss, I packed Mike a rip and then took one myself. It was now 11pm and we began walking down to the pier. We decided to go to a place that is always filled with people, it’s called, “Jaws.” This place is new, trendy and has good menu with stiff drinks. The bouncers at this place are the only downfall. They are such D-bags that I usually can’t tolerate the place. I know a lot of people complain about club bouncers all the time. I’ve heard it a million times over. I have been to hundreds of clubs and bars all over the world, but these guys have to be some of the biggest meat heads and idiots around. They also don’t like the fact that Mike slammed the owner’s lady while in Vegas and in Hollywood. Che!
We walked in and sat down by the bar. It was pretty packed. I always end up seeing most of the same people when I go out in Hermosa. That is the one of things that I don’t like. I do a lot of dirt in the streets and the last thing I want is some girl that I randomly banged while on the verge of being blacked-out to come back and cock block me. Cary-Rosanne!! That’s why I prefer to do my dirt in Hollywood, or similar places where people won’t recognize you and don’t have a bad story to tell about you.
At around 11:30pm Mike and I have put back a few drinks and are just sitting down relaxing and letting our HOEnar surveillance do some work. I get up and go to the bathroom, I do my thing, and wash my hands of course lady’s. When I walk out I am confronted by a girl and I have no idea who she is. She blocks my path downstairs to the bar. She is a pretty cute girl, so I smile at her, and say hello. She responds with, “You play hockey don’t you?” What the fuck? Did I slay this girl one night and don’t remember? Did I take down her roommate or her friend? How does she know that? I said, “Excuse me, I don’t want to be rude, but do I know you?” She kept looking harder into my eyes as if reading my soul. “Answer the question.” She barked. Damn, I thought, what’s going on here. I was just wearing a plain white tee shirt with jeans, Nike shoes and a Jordan hat. How did she get hockey out of that? I gave up thinking and just responded, “Yes, I play hockey Do you?” I stated. “I knew it! I could tell by your look, and your big ass.” She exclaimed.
We exchanged names. Her name was Speidi Miller. I told her it was nice to meet her and maybe I’ll see her around. The usual leave me alone chat. Speidi allowed me go back downstairs after that. She was staring at me the whole way back down. I went up to Mike and told him what happened. He started laughing, and then I casually pointed her out when she came back downstairs. We both continued to sit there posted up like stamps scanning the bar. It wasn’t the best of nights as far as vagina hunting was concerned. So I was open to see what if Speidi would come back.
Sure enough Speidi walked up to me twenty minutes later and said, “Let me buy you a drink.” Whoa! I’m still in California right? That shit doesn’t happen. She can’t be from here. I more than happily agreed. After all she was definitely not ugly, and I am definitely not that picky. So I told her that I wanted a Long Island Iced tea. She reached through some people and ordered us drinks. Mike gave me a look like, wow! Who is this chick? She turned around within minutes and had my drink however she also had two shots of tequila. Uh-oh. Tequila has put my dick into some crazy situations before. We put these down and then started talking. She told me that she had dated many hockey players before. A few NHL guys too. That is not something any hockey player wants to hear. We know how dirty every guy in the locker room is, multiply that by all the teams in the country and you’re looking at pure whores.
She was from Minnesota and moved out here to be a nanny in Manhattan Beach. This girl was very up-front in conversation. Usually ladies are more reserved. Within ten minutes of chatting she finally asked about Mike. “Is this your friend?” “Yeah, this is Mike.” I responded. They introduced themselves and chatted for about a minute. After that she said, “Hey I’m going to go grab my girlfriend that’s here with me. We can all do a shot together, and then go to her place after the bar. You’re friend will like her. Okay?” I looked at her and just nodded my head. Once she scattered off, I turned to Mike and told him that I think some girl had just picked us both up! He was hesitant. “Lets just wait and see what her friend looks like bro.” He had a very valid point. She could just be trying to liquor us up in hopes that someone would bang her fat friend. I’ve seen it a hundred times.
She brought over her friend whose name was “Kia.” She was definitely not ugly. She looked like a Latino Kim Kardashian. I was a disappointed that I had gotten Speidi. I wanted to call my agent and ask for a trade. Oh well, I pondered, I will always live to see another breezy. Mike was pleased with Kia, considering that Kim Kardashian is his celebrity crush, so they started in on their conversation. Meanwhile, Speidi Came at me full force. She was obviously a groupie. I have no quarrels with that though. I consider myself a groupie as well, because if there is a group of hot girls I’ll do the whole group! Speidi was over the top, running her mouth faster than a street pimp. After fifteen minutes of chatting she started talking to me about sex and how she hated her boyfriend, and her favorite ways to get banged. Hmmm, interesting I thought. Five minutes later our conversation abruptly turned to porno. Believe me I couldn’t tell you how but she was just one of those freaks. She told me all about her favorite sites. I informed her that I was no rookie to the porno game and pulled up all the mobile porn I have on my phone. Now here I am sitting in the middle of this crowded bar, watching porno movies on my phone with a girl I have known for only an hour. Wow! This got her so juiced up. Mike and his Kia were sitting next to us but they were obviously immersed in conversation and flirting.
After a short while we all decided that we would take a cab to Kia’s place which was in North Redondo.
Once we got there Kia whipped out a bottle of Tequila which, judging by her Latino roots, was her favorite. She kept saying, “Let’s go to Mexico!” It took me a minute to interpret that it was chica code for taking shots of tequila. We ended up doing about three rounds of shots in total, it gave me wicked heart burn but now I was ready to dominate this girl. Never have I been able to sit down and have a girl be as into porn as me. I’m not a porn fiend by any means, but I do have a fond appreciation for it. I thought that this could be one of the freakiest bangs of my career. After a while of us all clowning and telling pointless stories that no one would remember in the morning Mike laid down on the bed with Kia. It was a studio apartment, so there was only one room. Speidi was pretty intoxicated at this point, I was to for that matter. Speidi now decided she would put on a strip show for all of us. Mike and I covertly looked at each other like, ‘damn, is this really happening?’ While putting on her show she later, told us that she used to strip while in college. I hope so, because she looked like a pro. She was spinning all over the floor with her legs looking like the propellers of a helicopter. She managed to turn her tank top into a dress, which meant that she was flashing her Bumble Bee tuna to everyone, including Kia. Kia looked somewhat grossed out, but not enough to say anything or stop her for that matter. I couldn’t help but think that this might turn into a gang-bang of sorts. After about a fifteen minute strip tease, I was definitely feeling some blood flow. I was ready to smash her vagina like Gallagher crushes Watermelons.
I didn’t know how I was going to pull this off. A) I had no car. B) I just met her, so she wasn’t worthy of a hotel room. She could just be a tease or pass out on me. C) It was a small apartment with only one bed, not even a bedroom. Speidi got up and went to the bathroom. I looked at mike and by this time, Kia was laying on top of Mike, straddling him and they were doing there thing. As soon as I heard the toilet flush I got up and walked into the closet that led to the bathroom. She came out and I made the bold move of just grabbing her by the hips. Usually I am a laid back, let them come to me kind of guy but this girl had me ready to beat cheeks, so I had to go on offense.
Speidi didn’t hesitate for a second. We immediately started going to town on each other. She was the kind of multi-talented girl that could undo your pants and not even miss a beat while kissing. We were in Kia’s closet which was about 4’ x 7’. Not too much room to operate, but I have worked in smaller offices before so I knew I could pull it off. I picked her up and gently laid her down to the floor. She didn’t like the gentle stuff at all! She kept telling me to pull her hair and choke her. Well, if you insist I thought. I finger-blasted the shit out of Speidi for a while before she asked me for my cock. She asked for my cock! “Give me that dick,” she said. I got up on my knees and presented her with my wiener. Who am I tell a girl no. You could tell that this girl had watched a lot of porno by the way she sucked a dick. She spat all over my lil guy, and then was gagging herself on it. What a good girl. She sucked my dick like it was 115 degrees and she was trying to save every last drop the last melting Popsicle in California.
After a heavenly few minutes of porno sucking she laid back down and told me to fuck her. “Fuck me and Fuck me hard!” she exclaimed. I was not about to let this girl down, so I did as told. I gave her bunny rabbit humps. Super fast and to the point. She loved it. She made sure that I continued to choke her throughout the whole process. I am always weary of how hard to choke a girl when she asks for that. I am a pretty strong guy. My friends used to joke that I was like Lenny from ‘Of Mice and men’ not fully aware of his own strength. So I gave Speidi about 30% of my strength which seemed to suffice. I haven’t banged a broad with rabbit tendencies in quite a long time, usually its just calculated slams and gyrating thrusts, love making if you will. All this rabbit fucking had me ready to give her the goo in about eight minutes. I told her that I was about to come and to my delight she pulled away which startled me at first, but then said she wanted me to blow in her mouth. Holler! She was a pro. If it were the league she would be on her second contract making big bucks by now, she’d been around. To my delight she took every last drop of my little Michael Phelps swimmers and loved it. I damn near fell over the top of her while she was doing so. My knees buckled and I had to grab on to Kia’s dresses for balance. That was amazing. She got up casually and went to the bathroom, washed off her box, put her shirt on without saying anything to me and then walked into the other room where Mike and Kia were. I laid there not being able to regain control of my legs for a few minutes. I eventually gave up on trying to be social and fell asleep right in Kia’s closet.
I awoke in the wee hours of the morning to mike kicking me in the leg. He was laughing and made sure to snap an iPhone picture of me sleeping in a closet with just my underwear on. We left the two little floozies sleeping and started walking back toward Hermosa. It was impossible to find a cab at 5am so we just walked back along the beach looking like exactly what we had just done, getting wasted and banging whores all night. It was about a thirty minute walk and once we got back we proceeded to pass out. Not to shabby for a night where we were hesitant to go out in the first place. I awoke at about two in the afternoon. I was definitely not feeling a workout that day, but I did try. I went to the gym and did about five minutes on the treadmill. Those made me almost throw-up. I decided that it was strictly the steam room for me. I got back around 4 and had a bunch of messages from Speidi. She wanted to see me again. Hmm, I am really not a fan of seeing a girl again if I bang on the first meeting. I mean, what else is there left to conquer? However I told her I would meet her at the pier. I decided that this would be a solo mission. I went down to the pier and caught the tail end of happy hour with her. She was all over my nuts. She kept telling me about how much she wanted to fuck again. I told her that yeah, I would love to bang again. She wanted to kiss me in the bars though. I hate that! I don’t want to be seen kissing in public, especially in the town where I live. There is always someone at the bar that knows me or some girl that I want to bang, so I don’t want to give off the wrong impression. That impression being…taken. Once again I found myself watching porno on my phone with Speidi. I got worked up and grabbed her and said, “lets go for a walk real quick.” I was not about to take this girl back to my spot, because she definitely had stalker quality’s. I let my playmaking sense take over and walked across the pier to a fancy hotel. Speidi asked, “What are we doing? Where are we going?” I told her that she would see in a few minutes. We walked right into the lobby of this hotel and hopped in the elevator. I took it straight to the top. As soon as the doors shut, we started making out. I went to the stairwell and found that the door to the roof was not locked. I opened it up and took her right next to all the big HVAC machines. We made out for a second and then she dropped to her knees and began slurping. Once again more porno sucking. I told her to turn around and she instantly obeyed. I pounded this girl out on the roof of this hotel while the sun was going down. We banged for a while then of course she swallowed all my little legends! After that we walked right back to the bar. This girl wasn’t done yet however. She told me that the family she nanny’s for was out of town for the night and wanted me to come over. I agreed and told her I would be over later.
I drove over to her house around 9pm. I walked in and all she had on was a bathrobe covering up her sexiest outfit of lingerie. We went and sat in her hot-tub for a while. After that it was straight to the bedroom. We started getting nasty again. We are both naked lying in bed and then her phone rings, she broke away to answer it. I thought this was odd. Then she told me to be quiet and not say a word. It was her boyfriend! I am not the classiest of guys but one thing I do respect is a relationship, I have been cheated on before, Callaway, and I hated it. It stung, so I told myself that I would never be home-wrecker again. Unless it was something that you absolutely cannot pass up. I felt so awkward just laying there while she talked to her man. He was a doctor and had to work an extra shift in the ER room. She was cup caking with him for about five minutes telling him how much she loved him, missed him, and how she couldn’t wait to see him once he was off work. I almost got up and left. It makes me sick to think that girls are scandalous like that. She just had my dick in her mouth ten minutes ago!
Once she hung up with him, she rolled over and said, “Okay, let’s fuck!” I was already feeling scummy so I figured what the hell. She got me back up from six to noon, and then got on all fours. We did the dirty dog for a little bit, and then she turned her head around like an owl and said, “Do you wanna fuck my ass?” I agreed. Being the gentleman that I am I asked her if she had any lube. I will never in my life forget her response. “No! I want it to hurt!” Times like this I wish I had a built in video camera above my eyebrows. I started laughing on the inside and went for it. We beat cheeks for about thirty minutes; I gave her the dirty whore treatment that she so rightly deserved. Once again I pulled out and filled her mouth with my boys. Once I was done we both collapsed on the bed. I fell asleep for a couple hours.
I awoke at about 6am. She was still sleeping. I grabbed all my clothes and made a bolt for the door. I didn’t want to see her again. I had already ravaged this girl plus she had a man, and I didn’t want any more drama in my life. I vowed that I was done with her after that night. She called me later in the day. Saying that she was disappointed that I was gone, she wanted to fuck again. I lied and said that I had a hockey practice I had to go to early and didn’t want to wake her. She began to tell me some of the grossest and funniest stuff I have ever heard in my entire life! Speidei proceeded to tell me, “God, my guts hurt. Why do my guts hurt?” I told her I have no idea. She says, “Oh that’s right, you fucked me hard!” I started dying laughing! I actually hung up the phone. I couldn’t take it. I was rolling on the floor laughing. She called back in a minute. I answered and put her on speakerphone so my boys could here. I told her that I must have had a bad connection and the call was dropped. What Speidi said next is a nickname that still sticks with me to this day. She called me, “the liver lifter!” at first I had no idea what she was talking about. I thought she was accusing me of taking food out of her fridge. I then told her that I had to go because my Dad was on the other line. Not even a minute later my Friend pieced it together and they all started rolling on the floor laughing. I asked why? “The liver lifter,” This broad was accusing me of moving her internal organs around! Oh my God, this was priceless. I have never even heard of this. I have been through twenty years of locker room talk, and never had this been a term brought up. I felt privileged, but grossed out at the same time. This girl was crazy.
Speidi continued to call me every week for about two months. I never returned her calls because, for one she had a boyfriend. For two, she was way too nutty in the head. I’ve seen Kia since than and she told me that Speidi is obsessed with me. Wow! Speidi Chiller is a girl that made me realize the cold fact that girls can be just as dirty and grimy as guys. I love girls that are sexually free, but she was too much for me to handle. I have never seen Speidi since that day, and just chalk it up to another silly story stemming from the South Bay. I wish her the best of luck, and I wish that her man will someday realize that he’s getting played like a deck of cards with six Kings.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Legendary Tracks vol. 2 October
1) Lil' Wayne - I'm The Truth (Feat. Brisco And Shanell)
2) Soulja Boy - So Cocky Wit It
3)Wiz Khalifa - Wiz Khalifa Vs. Empire of the Sun
4)Hot Dollar feat Trevor Wesley - Why Do Fools
5)Lil' Wayne - Thinking To Myself (Feat. Gudda Gudda, Mack Maine, And Nicki Minaj)
6)Young Jeezy - Trap Or Die 2
2) Soulja Boy - So Cocky Wit It
3)Wiz Khalifa - Wiz Khalifa Vs. Empire of the Sun
4)Hot Dollar feat Trevor Wesley - Why Do Fools
5)Lil' Wayne - Thinking To Myself (Feat. Gudda Gudda, Mack Maine, And Nicki Minaj)
6)Young Jeezy - Trap Or Die 2
11)Get Money - E-40 feat. Young Jeezy & B-Legit
12)Soulja Boy - Twitter Goin' Ham
13)Lil Wayne - Ice Cream Paint Job
14)Soulja Boy - PlayBall (Feat. Drake)
15)Drake - Beautiful Music (Unreleased Track From 07)
16)USDA - Rep My Hood (feat. Alley Boy)
18)LIL WAYNE FEAT SHORT DAWG - ME & MY DRINK
Friday, October 9, 2009
Toe-to-Toe
Have you ever shown up to work 2 hours late, still drunk, and with a story so good it’s just burning at your brain waiting to get out? Well this has probably happened to thousands of people out there, but mine was legendary. I showed up late for practice, just barely slipping past the coaches into the rookie locker room about 3 minutes before my teammates hit the ice. Everyone stopped, looked at me, then began to burst out laughing. I ignored all of them as I shed my clothes as fast as humanly possible and began putting on my equipment. I was the last guy to get on the ice, within seconds of coach blowing the whistle to let practice commence. I thought I had escaped clean. However, they noticed and made sure I paid the price. All I could do was think about the night before. It was kind of like going to my “happy place” while I was getting the puke skated out of me.
The night began with me posted up on the couch enjoying some ESPN after a long day of training and cooking myself enough hearty meals to last for like four days. I was comfortably submerged in my couch with a couple of muscle relaxers floating away in my stomach when I got a call from my best childhood friend’s mom. Now this lady Lindamay was a great woman. She had gotten a divorce from he husband after her kids graduated high school and left the suburbs of Portland, OR for the mansions in Malibu. There were times when she was a little boisterous and extravagant but this lady was one in a million. She knew all sorts of people and all sorts of people knew her. I love Lindamay like a second mother. So needless to say, when she calls…I answer.
Lindamay told me that I should accompany her to her friend’s birthday party in Hollywood tonight. This was before I knew about certain parts of Hollywood. I assumed it was just one big blob of debauchery. She said it would be loads of fun and that she would pick me up. Needless to say, I was just sitting on the couch without a care in the world. I didn’t have anything else to do except watch countless re-runs of Family Guy, hockey highlights, and maybe snuggle up with a book that wouldn’t ever be finished. So I obliged Lindamay’s request and told her I would be ready by 9pm.
Now Lindamay swooped me right on time. As usual she insisted that I drive her car. I grew quite accustomed to driving that Jag even though I never really liked them in the first place. We pulled up to this place that sounded like “The Alley.” Please remember that I had no idea I was in West Hollywood. Little did I know that this was like the King homosexual butt-party of southern California. I walked into this bar/ night club with Lindamay and we went and met up with a group of guys that had a table on the side of the bar. My first impression was that these guys were all overly nice happy guys. I should have known right there. It took about 10 minutes before I noticed that dudes were kissing and holding hands and playing grab-ass all around me. I reached over and asked Lindamay if this was a gay bar. “Of course it is honey! You didn’t know?” she said. “Uhh, I didn’t know at all. I’ve never been out here!” I responded. Lindamay had failed to mention that her friend was gay and this was just a big gay sausage party. This news took me about 5 minutes of sitting around in nauseated disbelief to digest. I have no problems with gay people. They can do whatever they like. I just don’t want to see gay guys duke it out right in front of me. Once I got over the initial shock of being right square in the middle of the gayest bar in Los Angeles and feeling thrown under the bus by Lindamay I decided that I had to tough this out for at least an hour before Lindamay would want to leave.
So here I sat, feeling like a filet mignon at a homeless shelter. Dudes kept looking at me the same way I’d look at girls when I was coming out of a game. The look that says I would dominate you and have you in love within an hour. Needless to say I was creeped out. Last time I stood up to grab a drink from the bar I got my ass slapped, and I had to walk it off because I knew I was greatly out numbered in the homo-to-Legend ratio. I had Lindamay getting my drinks after that. Now she was busy and I needed a drink. I could not sit there sober. I carefully walked to the bar keeping my cheeks clenched and didn’t make eye contact with anyone. I stood at the bar waiting for a drink. It reminded me of being a Blackman in 1930. They knew I was the straight man so I got the worst treatment. Brutal.
As I was sitting minding my own business, this bombshell Red-haired lady walked up to me. She sits next to me and I say hi, I figured she has got to be a lesbian otherwise why should she be here. She says hi back and instantly throws me a mean set of eyes like she just banged me right there. I was still in kind of a wierded out mood because of my surroundings so I didn’t think too much into it. As that happened, the bartender came to take my order. I ordered a shot of Jaeger and a Crown with a splash of coke. I got my drink and courteously said, “See ya around,” to the bombshell. I sat back down and began to put in work on my drinks and play cell phone games, Facebook, and text people. A minute later she came and sat next to me. It turns out that she was friends with another dude at the party that looked like he could suck a frozen rope dry. No joke. We struck a conversation about how not gay the two of us were, which was very relieving because now, at least someone was on my team.
She told me that one of the reasons she was attracted to me was because I didn’t know who she was. Hmm, this could be a jack-pot. Of course I let her know that I was no slouch either and we hit it off. This lady, who we’ll call, “Jamie”, was a television star. She had been on a very popular show in the mid to late -90’s that rivaled Beverly Hills 90210. Since than she has done lots of modeling and made countless movie and TV appearances. Jamie was in her 30’s and still looked great. She was about 5’ 6” maybe a buck ten. She had long hair that I wouldn’t totally call red, but it was a sexy red if that makes sense. She had decent bombs and great legs. She also seemed like the type of lady that was a champion in the sack. We hit it off immediately. She was there to get drunk and support her gay publicist and now she wanted to get some D. Jamie and I ended up leaving the club to go have a puff in the Jag. We told everyone we would be right back. By then it was a group of 12 dudes and Lindamay having a “gay” old time. I flipped the valet a dub so that I could go burn in the car with Jamie. I was rolling one up when she started rubbing all over me. I barely finished twisting before she grabbed me and tried to drown me in tongue. I pulled back and sparked it up. We sat there and chilled. We talked, made out, and more importantly we made plans for after the club.
I strolled back into the place at ease now because I had a girl on my arm. All these limp-wristers loved her because of the show she was on when they were still hiding. I got in there and told Lindamay that I had an after party that we had to go to. Lindamay is a true wing woman because she knew what was happening and didn’t hesitate for a second. She was there to support me. So we all left the club. Lindamay and I were in the Jag and we were following Jamie and her dude that was with her to Jamie’s place which was in the Hills. We got there and I was instantly impressed. This chick had her shit together. She popped a couple bottles of wine and we all sat around and talked for a while. I knew what was coming so I drank the wine as fast as possible. Within minutes Lindamay and gay dude were striking up conversation and Jamie told me she wanted to give me a tour of the place. The room got silent for a second as everyone looked. You probably could have heard the blood rushing to my Wang. So Jamie and I left the others and she walked through her place with amazing speed. Barely showing me anything until we got to her bedroom. Once I stepped in, the door abruptly slammed shut and was locked. She than very sexily began showing me around her room. She told me to open the door right behind me. I figured it would be a closet, maybe a bathroom. No, it was her costume room! Wow, never have I seen anything like this. This chick had every possible sexy piece of lingerie and outfit that any man could ever want. She then jumped on me, and we started going at it on her bed. Jamie had me stripped down in a matter of 2 minutes. She then looked over at her costume room and asked, “What do you want me to be? Nurse? Maid? What?” I got all tongue tied and froze up, I felt like a pre-pubescent boy looking at his first porn video because. I never had a woman do this before. I had my high-school girlfriend rock slutty lingerie and we tied each other up and shit, but that was a girl and this was clearly an experienced woman. “You look amazing right now, just get over here!” That’s all I could muster out of my mouth as she stood there in just her bra and panties. She thought that I was cute and hopped right on me. We went hard at it. Jamie and I seemed to be on the same page of freaky-ness so needless to say it was wild. After about thirty minutes she got up and walked over to the glass wall leading out to her balcony which overlooked Hollywood. She very nakedly started sliding the whole glass wall back so that we were exposed to the brisk Hollywood evening. She had a nasty receding wall. The way she walked towards me was a scene straight out of a movie. She slowly and seductively walked over to me smiling, licking her lips, and rubbing her naked body. I was on top of the world.
When Jamie got to the foot of the bed she casually started rubbing my feet. I figured that she was going to be a good breezy and give daddy a little massage before he goes back to work on her. The following event was one that amazed me and let me know that is freaky as I ever think I am there are always people that are into more wild shit than I am. Jamie was rubbing my right foot for what seemed to be like 3 minutes. She seemed to be getting juiced up by it too. I figured that she would eventually switch feet or move to the leg so that she could eventually end up massaging up to my crouching tiger. Jamie then hovered over my foot and while keeping in rhythm to the slow jams she had playing and lowered herself on to my big toe. If sex ed. class taught me anything, Jamie was now having intercourse with my big toe. I do have large toes and wear a size 15 shoe, so I can see the allure for a chick…I guess. At the time however, I had only seen this a couple of times before in porno’s and it didn’t even turn me on. So to my amazement, here I am laying naked on a California king bed with an unobstructed view of Hollywood getting my big toe fucked. “How ya like dem apples!” She was literally grinding on my foot. I couldn’t tell whether I liked it or if I was grossed out. I started laughing. It was all I could do. I think that made her grind on me harder! Thank god I clip my toenails regularly, I thought.
I was having the time of my life, and I wasn’t even into foot sex. It felt a little weird, and it definitely wasn’t turning me on but I had to just sit back and appreciate it and have fun with it. Jamie had finished what she needed to do on my foot in about 6 minutes. She then crawled up to me and began educating me with some of the best brains on the West coast. After all that you can only trust that we broke each other off proper until 4am.
I woke up with a pounding headache, and looked to my cell phone. It was 9:15 in the morning! I had practice at 10am on the complete other side of town. I hopped up out of bed. With no swag on, and struggled to grab all my clothes and get dressed as fast as possible. I kissed Jamie on the forehead and bolted for the streets. I remembered that Lindamay had driven, so I had to go and peel her off the couch that she was wrapped up in. I put her in the Jag and then got every last pony out of that Supercharged V8. I went from Beverly Hills to El Segundo in twenty minutes. That is basically unheard off, but the forces above and the horses in the hood made it happen that day. I parked in front and ran into practice at 9:55am.
Jamie was the first semi-popular TV star that I banged. It made me wonder what the rest of them were like. Were they just like athletes? Did they always have an image to keep up in public but 90% of them are completely different when they want to let loose and have fun? That will always be debated. All in all my buddies loved the story. My big toe had a reputation for a long time, and it still does if I am around some of those guys. As for Jamie, I still see her on TV every now and again. She makes appearances on all sorts of major network shows. We lost contact after about 7 months of talking on the phone. I was playing in Florida that next season and she could never leave Hollywood. When I got back we decided to go out on a date To Nobu in Malibu. However, I got really drunk and had a 19 year old bouncing up and down on me all day and night and never called her back. That was the last I heard of her. I wish her the best in all that she does, especially toes. So for my first experience at a gay bar, I’d say I did ok. I only had my ass touched twice, never got too grossed out, and ended up leaving with a very hot (female) TV star. I can deal with that.
The night began with me posted up on the couch enjoying some ESPN after a long day of training and cooking myself enough hearty meals to last for like four days. I was comfortably submerged in my couch with a couple of muscle relaxers floating away in my stomach when I got a call from my best childhood friend’s mom. Now this lady Lindamay was a great woman. She had gotten a divorce from he husband after her kids graduated high school and left the suburbs of Portland, OR for the mansions in Malibu. There were times when she was a little boisterous and extravagant but this lady was one in a million. She knew all sorts of people and all sorts of people knew her. I love Lindamay like a second mother. So needless to say, when she calls…I answer.
Lindamay told me that I should accompany her to her friend’s birthday party in Hollywood tonight. This was before I knew about certain parts of Hollywood. I assumed it was just one big blob of debauchery. She said it would be loads of fun and that she would pick me up. Needless to say, I was just sitting on the couch without a care in the world. I didn’t have anything else to do except watch countless re-runs of Family Guy, hockey highlights, and maybe snuggle up with a book that wouldn’t ever be finished. So I obliged Lindamay’s request and told her I would be ready by 9pm.
Now Lindamay swooped me right on time. As usual she insisted that I drive her car. I grew quite accustomed to driving that Jag even though I never really liked them in the first place. We pulled up to this place that sounded like “The Alley.” Please remember that I had no idea I was in West Hollywood. Little did I know that this was like the King homosexual butt-party of southern California. I walked into this bar/ night club with Lindamay and we went and met up with a group of guys that had a table on the side of the bar. My first impression was that these guys were all overly nice happy guys. I should have known right there. It took about 10 minutes before I noticed that dudes were kissing and holding hands and playing grab-ass all around me. I reached over and asked Lindamay if this was a gay bar. “Of course it is honey! You didn’t know?” she said. “Uhh, I didn’t know at all. I’ve never been out here!” I responded. Lindamay had failed to mention that her friend was gay and this was just a big gay sausage party. This news took me about 5 minutes of sitting around in nauseated disbelief to digest. I have no problems with gay people. They can do whatever they like. I just don’t want to see gay guys duke it out right in front of me. Once I got over the initial shock of being right square in the middle of the gayest bar in Los Angeles and feeling thrown under the bus by Lindamay I decided that I had to tough this out for at least an hour before Lindamay would want to leave.
So here I sat, feeling like a filet mignon at a homeless shelter. Dudes kept looking at me the same way I’d look at girls when I was coming out of a game. The look that says I would dominate you and have you in love within an hour. Needless to say I was creeped out. Last time I stood up to grab a drink from the bar I got my ass slapped, and I had to walk it off because I knew I was greatly out numbered in the homo-to-Legend ratio. I had Lindamay getting my drinks after that. Now she was busy and I needed a drink. I could not sit there sober. I carefully walked to the bar keeping my cheeks clenched and didn’t make eye contact with anyone. I stood at the bar waiting for a drink. It reminded me of being a Blackman in 1930. They knew I was the straight man so I got the worst treatment. Brutal.
As I was sitting minding my own business, this bombshell Red-haired lady walked up to me. She sits next to me and I say hi, I figured she has got to be a lesbian otherwise why should she be here. She says hi back and instantly throws me a mean set of eyes like she just banged me right there. I was still in kind of a wierded out mood because of my surroundings so I didn’t think too much into it. As that happened, the bartender came to take my order. I ordered a shot of Jaeger and a Crown with a splash of coke. I got my drink and courteously said, “See ya around,” to the bombshell. I sat back down and began to put in work on my drinks and play cell phone games, Facebook, and text people. A minute later she came and sat next to me. It turns out that she was friends with another dude at the party that looked like he could suck a frozen rope dry. No joke. We struck a conversation about how not gay the two of us were, which was very relieving because now, at least someone was on my team.
She told me that one of the reasons she was attracted to me was because I didn’t know who she was. Hmm, this could be a jack-pot. Of course I let her know that I was no slouch either and we hit it off. This lady, who we’ll call, “Jamie”, was a television star. She had been on a very popular show in the mid to late -90’s that rivaled Beverly Hills 90210. Since than she has done lots of modeling and made countless movie and TV appearances. Jamie was in her 30’s and still looked great. She was about 5’ 6” maybe a buck ten. She had long hair that I wouldn’t totally call red, but it was a sexy red if that makes sense. She had decent bombs and great legs. She also seemed like the type of lady that was a champion in the sack. We hit it off immediately. She was there to get drunk and support her gay publicist and now she wanted to get some D. Jamie and I ended up leaving the club to go have a puff in the Jag. We told everyone we would be right back. By then it was a group of 12 dudes and Lindamay having a “gay” old time. I flipped the valet a dub so that I could go burn in the car with Jamie. I was rolling one up when she started rubbing all over me. I barely finished twisting before she grabbed me and tried to drown me in tongue. I pulled back and sparked it up. We sat there and chilled. We talked, made out, and more importantly we made plans for after the club.
I strolled back into the place at ease now because I had a girl on my arm. All these limp-wristers loved her because of the show she was on when they were still hiding. I got in there and told Lindamay that I had an after party that we had to go to. Lindamay is a true wing woman because she knew what was happening and didn’t hesitate for a second. She was there to support me. So we all left the club. Lindamay and I were in the Jag and we were following Jamie and her dude that was with her to Jamie’s place which was in the Hills. We got there and I was instantly impressed. This chick had her shit together. She popped a couple bottles of wine and we all sat around and talked for a while. I knew what was coming so I drank the wine as fast as possible. Within minutes Lindamay and gay dude were striking up conversation and Jamie told me she wanted to give me a tour of the place. The room got silent for a second as everyone looked. You probably could have heard the blood rushing to my Wang. So Jamie and I left the others and she walked through her place with amazing speed. Barely showing me anything until we got to her bedroom. Once I stepped in, the door abruptly slammed shut and was locked. She than very sexily began showing me around her room. She told me to open the door right behind me. I figured it would be a closet, maybe a bathroom. No, it was her costume room! Wow, never have I seen anything like this. This chick had every possible sexy piece of lingerie and outfit that any man could ever want. She then jumped on me, and we started going at it on her bed. Jamie had me stripped down in a matter of 2 minutes. She then looked over at her costume room and asked, “What do you want me to be? Nurse? Maid? What?” I got all tongue tied and froze up, I felt like a pre-pubescent boy looking at his first porn video because. I never had a woman do this before. I had my high-school girlfriend rock slutty lingerie and we tied each other up and shit, but that was a girl and this was clearly an experienced woman. “You look amazing right now, just get over here!” That’s all I could muster out of my mouth as she stood there in just her bra and panties. She thought that I was cute and hopped right on me. We went hard at it. Jamie and I seemed to be on the same page of freaky-ness so needless to say it was wild. After about thirty minutes she got up and walked over to the glass wall leading out to her balcony which overlooked Hollywood. She very nakedly started sliding the whole glass wall back so that we were exposed to the brisk Hollywood evening. She had a nasty receding wall. The way she walked towards me was a scene straight out of a movie. She slowly and seductively walked over to me smiling, licking her lips, and rubbing her naked body. I was on top of the world.
When Jamie got to the foot of the bed she casually started rubbing my feet. I figured that she was going to be a good breezy and give daddy a little massage before he goes back to work on her. The following event was one that amazed me and let me know that is freaky as I ever think I am there are always people that are into more wild shit than I am. Jamie was rubbing my right foot for what seemed to be like 3 minutes. She seemed to be getting juiced up by it too. I figured that she would eventually switch feet or move to the leg so that she could eventually end up massaging up to my crouching tiger. Jamie then hovered over my foot and while keeping in rhythm to the slow jams she had playing and lowered herself on to my big toe. If sex ed. class taught me anything, Jamie was now having intercourse with my big toe. I do have large toes and wear a size 15 shoe, so I can see the allure for a chick…I guess. At the time however, I had only seen this a couple of times before in porno’s and it didn’t even turn me on. So to my amazement, here I am laying naked on a California king bed with an unobstructed view of Hollywood getting my big toe fucked. “How ya like dem apples!” She was literally grinding on my foot. I couldn’t tell whether I liked it or if I was grossed out. I started laughing. It was all I could do. I think that made her grind on me harder! Thank god I clip my toenails regularly, I thought.
I was having the time of my life, and I wasn’t even into foot sex. It felt a little weird, and it definitely wasn’t turning me on but I had to just sit back and appreciate it and have fun with it. Jamie had finished what she needed to do on my foot in about 6 minutes. She then crawled up to me and began educating me with some of the best brains on the West coast. After all that you can only trust that we broke each other off proper until 4am.
I woke up with a pounding headache, and looked to my cell phone. It was 9:15 in the morning! I had practice at 10am on the complete other side of town. I hopped up out of bed. With no swag on, and struggled to grab all my clothes and get dressed as fast as possible. I kissed Jamie on the forehead and bolted for the streets. I remembered that Lindamay had driven, so I had to go and peel her off the couch that she was wrapped up in. I put her in the Jag and then got every last pony out of that Supercharged V8. I went from Beverly Hills to El Segundo in twenty minutes. That is basically unheard off, but the forces above and the horses in the hood made it happen that day. I parked in front and ran into practice at 9:55am.
Jamie was the first semi-popular TV star that I banged. It made me wonder what the rest of them were like. Were they just like athletes? Did they always have an image to keep up in public but 90% of them are completely different when they want to let loose and have fun? That will always be debated. All in all my buddies loved the story. My big toe had a reputation for a long time, and it still does if I am around some of those guys. As for Jamie, I still see her on TV every now and again. She makes appearances on all sorts of major network shows. We lost contact after about 7 months of talking on the phone. I was playing in Florida that next season and she could never leave Hollywood. When I got back we decided to go out on a date To Nobu in Malibu. However, I got really drunk and had a 19 year old bouncing up and down on me all day and night and never called her back. That was the last I heard of her. I wish her the best in all that she does, especially toes. So for my first experience at a gay bar, I’d say I did ok. I only had my ass touched twice, never got too grossed out, and ended up leaving with a very hot (female) TV star. I can deal with that.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
My first Playmate
The American fantasy. The magazine that ushers countless boys into manhood. The magazine that shapes the lives of so many girls as well. Ever since I was a child I would look at these girls in the magazine and dream of one day meeting one, or better yet going to the playboy mansion and seeing them in all their glory. I’ve always pictured them running around naked, giggling, playing with blow-up beach balls and having the sexiest of having pillow fights. They were the object of my desire for years on end. My high school drama teacher told me that if I kept fantasizing about these women I would ruin the reality of regular women for me, and I’d never be satisfied. I never listened to that nonsense though and just kept the thought in my mind that I would one day reach the pinnacle of pussy and be with a Playmate. I figured that I’m a good looking kid, I’ve got some cheese to throw around, I can party with the best of them, I’m an athlete, and I know how to handle the ladies…so why couldn’t I be the guy to be banging a playmate?
This life –altering event took place during the NBA playoffs of ’09 when Los Angeles was dominating, I remember this because I was visiting a wonderful lady friend of mine who owned an amazing Italian restraint right off of Wilshire Blvd. This place made me feel like I was a gangster in the movie, “Goodfellas,” which has been my dream ever since I first saw the movie and started hustling back in 7th grade. Every time I would go in there, within minutes every employee would walk up and say hi. I would hug the waitresses, one of which was lucky enough to get the hot beef injection, and shoot the shit with the dudes that worked there. Mike and I were always led to the table in the back and were served whatever we wanted on the menu and any drink that we could come up with. It seemed too good to be true, except for the fact that we were very friendly and were great tippers. In return we brought a certain youthful energy to the restaurant that was usually filled with white-collared squares who sat there eating quiet dinners with their square wives. When we came through we tend to bring in beautiful young hoe’s that would have most of the guys staring. We filled the back of the restaurant with a slightly audible laughter that was never too offensive, but just loud enough so that people knew we were having the best time out of anyone there.
The Lady who owned the place, Boss-lady, was by far the coolest women I had ever met. She was in her early fifty’s but didn’t look a day over thirty-five. This lady had been everywhere and done everything. She had one of the best lifestyles you can imagine. She was also one of the biggest stoners you will ever meet, and I’m not hesitating for a second when I say “the biggest stoner you’ll ever meet.” This lady had been burning tuff for about 3 decades. Usually after our salad she would invite us back through the kitchen and into the office where she would pull out either a Rasta-sized joint or simply pack bowl after bowl of the finest Kush available at the local medical shops. So after we’d visited outer space for a few minutes it would be time to wander back to our seat for the main course. I swear we made the whole place stink on our way back in. We sat there high as kites and enjoyed a great meal and also got pretty wasted thanks to the open bar, and experimental drinks that the bartenders would try on us.
One night in particular I was talking to Boss lady about how I was fed-up I was with most of the skanks around LA. She mentioned to me that she had one of her girlfriends coming into town from Dallas that would be staying in Malibu and doing a photo shoot there. Photo shoot I thought; Hmmmm, I liked where this was going. I had never seen any of Boss-lady’s available girlfriends before so I had nothing to draw a conclusion on. However she later mentioned that she was in town for a Playboy shoot. Ding, ding, ding…Yahtzee!!! She had my full attention. I felt more excited than I was when it was Hockey day in P.E. class. She explained to me that she was a Playmate from 3 years past and a nice Italian girl, who was very attractive and loved to party. She told me her name which I intuitively committed to memory. After dinner, when we were burning Kush in the back office, I hopped on the computer and Googled the shit out of her. Pictures, biography, videos, basically everything I could get. OMG, she wasn’t lying, this girl had bigger bombs than Suddam Hussein! If her chest had a hometown it would be KNOCKSville, Tennessee! I thought to myself, damnit John, this is something that you have to act on. It has been a dream of mine since the beginning of puberty, and if I let this pass, I would be letting down men all over the world. Casually I told Boss-lady that I would probably have time to take her out and show her around while she was in town. She agreed and had a matchmaker type of satisfaction. She sent Bunny a text message stating that she had a hockey player friend who was good looking and would be in Malibu at the same time as her and would be able to take her out. Patiently I waited, and within minutes she got a message back from Bunny saying that she loved hockey players and was thrilled to have someone to hang out with. Fuckin rights!! Mike lived in Malibu which was nice so it looked like I would be posted at his place for a few days.
When the glorious day finally came, not that I was counting the minutes or anything (5,760), Boss-lady informed me that Bunny was finally here. She had a photo-shoot to do during the day and that she wanted to want to meet up for happy hour or grab a bite somewhere in Malibu. She asked me if it was okay if she gave Bunny my phone number. Really?! Really?! Of course it’s ok, use your fuckin’ head. Mike and I sat around his place that day in Malibu playing Ping-Pong, burning trees, and relaxing by the pool. I must have checked my phone every 5 minutes. Finally at about 3:30pm I got a text. It read, “Hey John, this is Bunny, Boss-lady gave me your number and said you would like to meet up for a drink, are you around?” Am I around I thought? Damn girl, I have been around like a circle for four days waiting for this text! I responded in the smoothest way that I could. I never in my life felt nervous about text messaging a girl, but this was a Playmate. It took me three drafts before I could settle on one that I deemed appropriate. I began telling her that I was busy all day coaching kids, helping my parents, and working out, but I had just finished. I said that I canceled my charity work for the night and would love to meet up.
We decided that we would meet at Duke’s. This is a decent locals spot in Malibu right off of PCH. It wasn’t too fancy and had great food. It usually housed a bunch of Pepperdine College students who were barely 21 but I knew that they would be playing the Lakers game on TV which was at this stage in the playoffs was a necessity to me. I got their early with Mike, who is as much of a wingman as there could possibly be. We threw a couple of Long-islands back, which are the go-to drink whenever we are looking to get the night started correctly or simply can’t make up our mind when the waitress is there. So as we sat there we, well at least I had to brush off all the little Pepperdine hoes that always tend to flock. Especially around Mike. I guess none of these preppy white girls has ever seen a seven foot basketball player before because they go crazy for Mike. “Where do you play basketball? How tall are you? Do you know Kobe?” Standard Operating Procedure for Mike. You just got to get used to it. These bitches are always getting moist for him like they are straight out of a Pampers commercial. We joke with him that he should get sponsored by Victoria’s Secret because he ruins so many panties that ladies always have to go to the mall to re-stock.
Finally she sends me a message saying that she is five minutes away. I didn’t know weather I should run out back and rip off a hundred push-ups, go slick my hair, brush my teeth, and spray some cologne on or what. Damn! I should have planned for this better. Minutes later she messages me that she is in the lobby and looking for me. I gathered up all my courage and Mike wished me luck. I strut into the front part of the restaurant and I got this smile on my face like it was 1992 and I had just seen all the Christmas presents a week early. Her eyes lit up right away too, that had to be a good sign. I walked right up to her and we both hugged each other like we had met several times before. Giggidy! Now Bunny was wearing a tight fit low-cut teal colored shirt that highlighted her bombs. She also had on White short-shorts. I have a weakness for any pant or short that is white. Call me crazy but the shit looks hot. Bunny was approximately 5’ 8” and maybe 120 lbs. That was perfect because I hate when girls are to skinny, its just tacky. That stick figure look is long gone. She had long brunette hair and even longer beautifully tanned legs. She had cheeks on her as well, not quite the ones you could rest a drink on, but definitely cheeks. She had a mesmerizing smile that, in turn, made me smile every time she flashed it. Her skin was soft as silk, and her teeth pearly white. Her chest was amazing; it looked like God himself decided to throw some D’s on it. Without a doubt the biggest of my career…to date. Now I don’t want to sound like too much of a cupcake but she was legit! Especially since the last broad I took down was in the six or seven range.
I walked her back through the restaurant toward the bar with my head held high as ever and I had that silly smile that would not go away. She grabbed my hand as we were navigating through people. I felt like the king of Malibu, or at least Duke’s for that matter. We got back to our table. While I was only gone for about two minutes, Mike had managed to have two girls sitting at our six person table. Atta boy, it usually never takes him long at all. Especially if he’s sitting by himself. I introduced her to Mike, and he introduced us to these two random breezy’s he wrangled. Now as we sat there I was trying my best to keep her entertained. I asked every single question that I thought would sound good. I gave her all the usual lines but put a little more effort and charisma into them this time. Turns out that Bunny and I had the same birthday! Wow, she had to be the first person I’ve met in my entire life with a June 21st birthday. We bonded over that and a lot of other subtle common interests. Even if they weren’t common I made it seem that way. I laid my game down so thick on her that I even impressed myself. We watched the tail-end of the Lakers game and had a few cocktails. I also noticed about half the guys in the place were staring at her. That’s one way to know you got a dime piece on your hands. Mike even sent me some under the table text messages saying that she was certifiable, and that if I didn’t….he would!
After the Lakers won, we sat around for about twenty minutes and then collectively decided it was time to bail. I was praying that this would not be the end of it. She looked way to good pull a catch and release maneuver, so I asked her what her plans for the night were. Bunny responded to me by saying, “well, all I have to do is be ready for my shoot tomorrow morning.” I was beginning to think that I was in there like swimwear. So I told her that I had a few bottles of Champagne back at Mike’s place and asked her if she wanted to come over. He only lived about three miles away. Champagne and weed is the key to my heart for any of the lady’s out there that may be reading this. She gladly accepted. We went out to the Valet, and asked for the beast machine. When it arrived she hopped in back, its good to know that even a high class hoe knows her role. We drove back to Mike’s making friendly and humorous conversation the whole way back. When asked what her favorite kind of music was she replied with Mater P. Holy Fuck!! This girl just went up another page in my book, and I only have a couple pages in my book!
Once we got back to Mike’s place there was about 5 of us in total. Mike had invited the other broads back to the spot and rarely do I see them turn down the offer. We all sat around in his living room and popped a bottle of Moet. Then another, then another, then another, then another. After our fifth bottle of Champagne Mike and I found it was time to see if she passed the doe-doe test. We both took a bong rip, and politely asked her if she wanted to puff. She was slightly hesitant at first but later realized that we are just two goofy guys (with mad swagger) that like to have fun and crack a lot of jokes. By this time she was sitting on my lap and putting her arms around me in ways that almost made me get swollen, and I’m not talking about lifting weights either. She did the typical girly routine for bong rips where she says, “You start it and I will finish it.” Fair enough I figured. She took the rip and did that cute little cough that I find amusing for rookie puffers. After that she laid back in my arms and started telling us some of her silly Playboy stories. She seemed like a really cool and down to Earth chick. A woman that I could actually see myself romancing with for a while. We decided to pop our final bottle of Champagne. Number six was in the books!
After that Mike was doing his thing with the other two breezy’s so Bunny and I decided to go downstairs to the kitchen to grab something else to drink. Keep in mind that I never get buckled when I drink champagne. I just get super silly and flirtatious on these hoes, and when you mix weed into the equation it’s like I’m serving up 100% all natural Juicey Juice for their panties. I have an uncanny ability to find what they want to hear and flood their ears with it. Once we were in the kitchen I opened the refrigerator and asked if I could grab her a bottle of water or if there was anything that she wanted. I will never forget this; she responded with, “I want you!” I shut the door and immediately turned around to see her sitting on the edge of the kitchen counter with her arms out. I took two steps over and snuggled myself right between her legs and we started making out. She was a great kisser, not like some girls I have experienced. And within 30 seconds she reached right for Lil John and I thought, “OKAY!! Am I really going to smash her right here in the kitchen? Sweet!” Considering I have banged in a lot of weird places in the past 4 months that Mike and I have been on a party streak. Mel’s Diner parking lot, the middle of a crowded street with my hazards on, countless bathrooms, hotel rooftops, closets, alleyways, pools, you name it…I’ve probably beat cheeks there. We ended up just making out in the kitchen for about five minutes before we heard people moving around upstairs like they were heading down. So we broke apart, and looked at each other like we wanted to rip our clothes off and fuck one another’s brains out. At that instant Mike and his two hoes came down, and I call them hoes because I don’t know their names individually. We all decided that the night was basically a wrap. I went upstairs to grab my hoodie, and Mike came bounding up the stairs like Shaq running the forty yard dash. “Are you gonna smash?” he asked. “I don’t know man, she has to be back at her hotel tonight and has shit to do in the morning.” I responded. “Well figure it out! My chicks are whack, I’m gonna call up one of my go-to’s.” He said. I laughed. Mike always has a back-up plan for getting box. If it comes down to it, I’ve seen this kid drive half-way across L.A. at four in the morning just to burry some broad and then leave and come back home. You can’t hate on the man, he just has not realized that half the male population has discovered YouPorn and will just crank one out under those circumstances. But I agree I would much rather get box than crank one any day of the week.
Now we were all standing outside, Mike was saying goodbye to his hoes and I was quietly cup caking with my playmate. A little kiss here, a little one there, and I couldn’t wait to get at her in some place private. My car was back at my friend Alec’s place in Brentwood, so I basically was waiting on Mike so he could give us a ride to her hotel which was right on PCH by the pier. I wasn’t sure weather or not she would be inviting me up for the night so as we hopped in the Yukon so I was thinking that I might even have to drive home with a full sack of blue balls. Once we got to her place she asked me to walk her up to her room, there was no way I was gonna say no. I told Mike to give me a minute and he responded with a look like, ‘dude I don’t want to be waiting here for hours while you beat’. I told him to give me just a couple minutes and then I would let him know. So he hopped on his Sidekick phone and started lining up his own flavor of tuna for the evening.
I walked her through the lobby of her hotel, where the front desk guy looked distraught; because you know he was waiting to flirt with her when she came back. He looked at me like I stole his lady, I got a good chuckle out of that. We got to her door and I thought that this was either make it or break it time. She opened the door and I walked in behind her, she set her purse down then turned around and leaped on me like I was a one of those Velcro walls that you stick to at the county fair. After struggling to keep my balance and playing it off cool we went at it hard. I threw her down on the bed and was finally fulfilling my life long dream. I kept giggling to myself in my head, because I was thinking about how long I had been waiting for this and even though it wasn’t Jenny McCarthy circa 1996, I still wished someone would be in the room taking pictures of this momentous event. I was trying to do everything right. Trying to touch all the spots, replaying Lil Kim’s lyrics in my head about how a bad girl likes it. Just as I took off her shirt I realized that I had unleashed T.M.D.’s. Titties of Mass Destruction. It was like two Spalding basketballs were wrapped in her bra. Holy Fuck, I thought. Those things needed there own zip code. I couldn’t believe that they were actually real! I was all over the map, I couldn’t figure out where to start. We were starting to get really heavy and then I heard that gay ass AT&T ring coming from my pocket. I tried to ignore it, but then it rang again. I had completely forgotten that Mike was still waiting outside; he called twice in a row so on the third I reluctantly forced myself to break away and answered the call. He said, “Yo man!! You beating or what?” I didn’t know how to respond to him because she was staring right at me unsnapping her little white pants while keeping one hand on my belt. “uhhh….uhhh, naw man. Just gimme a minute.” I knew that wasn’t the case but she hadn’t given me the full green light yet. “Dude, Ima leave you if you’re not down here in 5 minutes. Let me know what’s up,” Mike said. “Alright man, I’ll call ya right back.” I knew that didn’t make sense. So I laid back down on her like a lion on his kill. I asked her what the plan was. I told her that Mike was about to leave and that I had to go with him unless I was going to spend the night with her and take her to heaven on Earth. Right down to the chase. She gave me this look like the fate of the free world depended on banging me, something that had to be done, but then spat out, “I don’t know if we should do this right away. I’m trying to be an independent women and I also really like you.” God damnit! Why do women always have to like me so much that they insist on not wanting to bang right away? Shouldn’t it be the opposite? I mean if I like a girl, I mean REALLY like a girl I am ready to eat vagina like Pac-Man within the first five minutes of meeting her. Is it my amazingly handsome looks? My sweet boyish charm? My unbelievable make-out skills? My small town boy appearance? My creative mix of educated humor and raw athletic prowess? Who knows? The list could go on for pages. Hoes just don’t want to fuck me, they want to love me. That is what has ruined it for so many women in my past.
When presented with this decision, I could see that she was pondering it over very hard in her head. Whenever a lady is actually at that point of half-undressed contemplation I have one solution. Eat box. While I could tell that she was weighing things out, I slowly started kissing down her neck to her chest, worked the stomach, then I stalled out like a $4500 clunker on her hips for a while. I made sure to hit every square centimeter of her torso. I made sure not to go all the way down to the Gina yet, because she had an important decision to make and I couldn’t cloud her judgment. Once I had officially started on this process, it is basically like clockwork. You could set your watch to the amount of time that it takes a girl to go from uncertain to absolutely certain. She pulled me back up to her violently and rolled on top of me. She was now trying to play the aggressive girl role. She threw my hands back and said, “You’re staying with me!” Woo hoo!! I thought, as the Rocky theme music blared in my head. She then started pulling my T-shirt off, almost tearing the thing in to shreds. C’mon now girl, it’s not a Hanes, and I don’t get these Nike’s for free! Be easy. I had to give her my best Heisman pose while I reached into my pocket to grab my phone and tell Mike to leave. Not most people know the feeling, but it is very awkward when talking to your best friend while a girl is going down on you. She had unbuttoned my pants and unleashed John’s Legend. I was telling Mike to holler at me in the morning and I was sorry for making him wait. He then sped off into the evening where I later learned that he would end up comfortably in his own bed with a lovely lil model girl that would drive an hour just to see him and then be out before noon the next day.
Back to me, I decided that if I am going to do a Playmate I must do it right! This could open up a lot of doors for me; Mansion party’s, more playmates, and Hollywood events that have you surrounded by so many hoes that you start feeling like a broken piggy bank, where all you see is dimes This love session was not only for pleasure and self-gratification, but this was business. I had to do perfect so that I would be spoken of highly around the Playboy Bunny world and could possibly be the savior to all my friends who still have not given up on the dream. We had a steamy dry-humping session for about twenty minutes where I got to bask in all of her breasts glory. After that I knew it was time to make my impression felt, I had one option. I had to eat her box like it was my last supper. I had to make her shake like a jack-hammer on my face. This was go time. This is what I have been training for since I was a kid. I went down on her with passionate fury. Making her wiggle and scream all over the bed. I like to consider this one of my specialties. If she were a bull-riding Cowgirl, my face would be her saddle. I continued to strain my jaw muscles for approximately two orgasms. After that I was starting to get lock jaw, and could barely breathe. I pulled my head out of her legs and took a long breath of fresh air. “Whew!” I said. Sweat dripping all down my face, or at least I hoped it was sweat. She grabbed me by the waist and threw me right into her. I continued to get the little kid smile while I was carefully pumping away. I couldn’t tell how this Bunny liked it. She wasn’t necessarily like banging a dead fish but she definitely wasn’t barking out orders or letting me know what she liked. There was just a few “oohs and ahhs.” Nothing that I would ever really brag about. I was somewhat disappointed because all these years I just pictured Playboy girls being absolute freaks in bed, the kind that leave you scared at the end of the night Kristina Marie don’t think I forgot about you girl!
The depressing part is that I put on a solid performance when I was whispering to her vagina, but when it came to giving her the Friday Night Smack Down I failed. I let myself down. It reminded me of the movie, “Along Came Polly,” when Ben Stiller is smashing Jen Anniston. I was trying so hard to last longer and I was even counting in my head! To no avail. I blew my load like a kid getting his first hand job. Damn, I was so ashamed. I could see the Playboy mansion fading away in my dreams. I rolled over and went into cupcake mode to try and salvage anything that was left. I got up and got the towel. I dipped half of it in warm water. I got her a glass of water. Once I lay back down I could feel my eyes getting heavy and tried to fight the impending sleep that naturally follows blowing a He-Man nut and drawing a mini-map of Hawaii on her stomach. It was only a matter of minutes until I would be out. So I gave her a kiss and I laid there cuddling like a chump. Within fifteen minutes we were both out.
We all know that waking up next to someone that you’re not dating has its awkward moments. When you performed like a donkey the night before it can make you feel very uncomfortable. We both oddly awoke at about the same time. I thought about just laying there and playing Possum, but then I reminded myself that this was a Playmate. I had to do something. We held each other for a bit before I got my morning wood. Once she noticed, she flipped around and decided to give me another shot at the title. This time I was bound and determined to try and bend her like Beckham. I immediately went down for some box munching. Don’t get silly and think that I do this for any girl but please believe Playmates are basically America’s version of Princess’ and I had to do it for my country. Plus she looked great on my resume. I made her shake again because I am a Veteran in the vagina licking game. Then I threw her over and proceeded to take her to Pound Town. If you Google it there is actually a city in Virginia, Town of Pound. This time I broke her off proper and I knew that she was more than pleased. I had made up for a lackluster performance the night before. I feel like my neighbor was pleased as well because when after when I walked out on her patio while she was in the shower, the old man looked at me and smiled and gave me the cheers sign. It was kind of creepy but on the other hand I could totally see myself doing that when I get old. We both were showered up and were lying in bed having small talk. Her shoot was postponed, so we decided to take a nice, romantic walk on the beach in Malibu. We walked hand-in-hand from the hotel down the beach for about an hour. We talked about everything from how beautiful it was around Malibu, what her photo shoot was for, how she wanted me to come down to Dallas, to the big “celeb” wedding that she would be in a few weeks from now.
I am really not good at doing this entire cup caking thing, especially after a night of drinking. When we got back from our little walk we went up to the room and she changed into her model clothes. She looked like a legitimate dime piece all over again. I received a text message from Mike, saying that he would be through in about thirty minutes and he was bringing my gym clothes so we could go to the gym. I let her know that I would be leaving soon, trying to dip out on her. She informed me that her Town Car was already waiting downstairs and that she had to leave so I agreed to walk her out. We said our goodbyes, and she was on her way. I was now sitting in the lobby of a great hotel right next to Malibu pier without my wallet and wearing clothes from the previous day. I made small talk with the valet’s for thirty minutes before Mike had finally pulled up. He pulled up, and rolled down his window in perfect timing for the song by Soldier Boy to say, “Kissing you in public, thinking nothing of it.” That was his way of calling me out for cup caking all night. As sure as the sky is blue, he had the spare Vitamin Water and picked up a sandwich for me. What are friends for! He knew exactly what I was thinking. He wanted to know all the details which he got in Hi-Def of course. Then Mike told me all about his girl that he was with. Then, just like ‘Pinky and the Brain’ we said, “well what are we going to do tonight Mikey? The same thing we do every night John, try and take over some box!”
All said and done, I occasionally see Bunny when she is in town. I don’t keep in that good of contact with her though. After I started seeing her on TV I realized that she is just another dumb chick who loves to show her boobs while indoor skydiving, or dances naked while in the hot tub at The Palms hotel in Vegas. She’s one of those women that are fun, but nothing you should keep around. I was able to live out my childhood fantasy of having sex with a Playmate. It wasn’t exactly what I had hoped it would be like but it is now something that I can check off of my list. Next on my childhood list would have to be a Victoria’s Secret model. Not sure how that will happen, but then again, I didn’t have a plan for this one either.
This life –altering event took place during the NBA playoffs of ’09 when Los Angeles was dominating, I remember this because I was visiting a wonderful lady friend of mine who owned an amazing Italian restraint right off of Wilshire Blvd. This place made me feel like I was a gangster in the movie, “Goodfellas,” which has been my dream ever since I first saw the movie and started hustling back in 7th grade. Every time I would go in there, within minutes every employee would walk up and say hi. I would hug the waitresses, one of which was lucky enough to get the hot beef injection, and shoot the shit with the dudes that worked there. Mike and I were always led to the table in the back and were served whatever we wanted on the menu and any drink that we could come up with. It seemed too good to be true, except for the fact that we were very friendly and were great tippers. In return we brought a certain youthful energy to the restaurant that was usually filled with white-collared squares who sat there eating quiet dinners with their square wives. When we came through we tend to bring in beautiful young hoe’s that would have most of the guys staring. We filled the back of the restaurant with a slightly audible laughter that was never too offensive, but just loud enough so that people knew we were having the best time out of anyone there.
The Lady who owned the place, Boss-lady, was by far the coolest women I had ever met. She was in her early fifty’s but didn’t look a day over thirty-five. This lady had been everywhere and done everything. She had one of the best lifestyles you can imagine. She was also one of the biggest stoners you will ever meet, and I’m not hesitating for a second when I say “the biggest stoner you’ll ever meet.” This lady had been burning tuff for about 3 decades. Usually after our salad she would invite us back through the kitchen and into the office where she would pull out either a Rasta-sized joint or simply pack bowl after bowl of the finest Kush available at the local medical shops. So after we’d visited outer space for a few minutes it would be time to wander back to our seat for the main course. I swear we made the whole place stink on our way back in. We sat there high as kites and enjoyed a great meal and also got pretty wasted thanks to the open bar, and experimental drinks that the bartenders would try on us.
One night in particular I was talking to Boss lady about how I was fed-up I was with most of the skanks around LA. She mentioned to me that she had one of her girlfriends coming into town from Dallas that would be staying in Malibu and doing a photo shoot there. Photo shoot I thought; Hmmmm, I liked where this was going. I had never seen any of Boss-lady’s available girlfriends before so I had nothing to draw a conclusion on. However she later mentioned that she was in town for a Playboy shoot. Ding, ding, ding…Yahtzee!!! She had my full attention. I felt more excited than I was when it was Hockey day in P.E. class. She explained to me that she was a Playmate from 3 years past and a nice Italian girl, who was very attractive and loved to party. She told me her name which I intuitively committed to memory. After dinner, when we were burning Kush in the back office, I hopped on the computer and Googled the shit out of her. Pictures, biography, videos, basically everything I could get. OMG, she wasn’t lying, this girl had bigger bombs than Suddam Hussein! If her chest had a hometown it would be KNOCKSville, Tennessee! I thought to myself, damnit John, this is something that you have to act on. It has been a dream of mine since the beginning of puberty, and if I let this pass, I would be letting down men all over the world. Casually I told Boss-lady that I would probably have time to take her out and show her around while she was in town. She agreed and had a matchmaker type of satisfaction. She sent Bunny a text message stating that she had a hockey player friend who was good looking and would be in Malibu at the same time as her and would be able to take her out. Patiently I waited, and within minutes she got a message back from Bunny saying that she loved hockey players and was thrilled to have someone to hang out with. Fuckin rights!! Mike lived in Malibu which was nice so it looked like I would be posted at his place for a few days.
When the glorious day finally came, not that I was counting the minutes or anything (5,760), Boss-lady informed me that Bunny was finally here. She had a photo-shoot to do during the day and that she wanted to want to meet up for happy hour or grab a bite somewhere in Malibu. She asked me if it was okay if she gave Bunny my phone number. Really?! Really?! Of course it’s ok, use your fuckin’ head. Mike and I sat around his place that day in Malibu playing Ping-Pong, burning trees, and relaxing by the pool. I must have checked my phone every 5 minutes. Finally at about 3:30pm I got a text. It read, “Hey John, this is Bunny, Boss-lady gave me your number and said you would like to meet up for a drink, are you around?” Am I around I thought? Damn girl, I have been around like a circle for four days waiting for this text! I responded in the smoothest way that I could. I never in my life felt nervous about text messaging a girl, but this was a Playmate. It took me three drafts before I could settle on one that I deemed appropriate. I began telling her that I was busy all day coaching kids, helping my parents, and working out, but I had just finished. I said that I canceled my charity work for the night and would love to meet up.
We decided that we would meet at Duke’s. This is a decent locals spot in Malibu right off of PCH. It wasn’t too fancy and had great food. It usually housed a bunch of Pepperdine College students who were barely 21 but I knew that they would be playing the Lakers game on TV which was at this stage in the playoffs was a necessity to me. I got their early with Mike, who is as much of a wingman as there could possibly be. We threw a couple of Long-islands back, which are the go-to drink whenever we are looking to get the night started correctly or simply can’t make up our mind when the waitress is there. So as we sat there we, well at least I had to brush off all the little Pepperdine hoes that always tend to flock. Especially around Mike. I guess none of these preppy white girls has ever seen a seven foot basketball player before because they go crazy for Mike. “Where do you play basketball? How tall are you? Do you know Kobe?” Standard Operating Procedure for Mike. You just got to get used to it. These bitches are always getting moist for him like they are straight out of a Pampers commercial. We joke with him that he should get sponsored by Victoria’s Secret because he ruins so many panties that ladies always have to go to the mall to re-stock.
Finally she sends me a message saying that she is five minutes away. I didn’t know weather I should run out back and rip off a hundred push-ups, go slick my hair, brush my teeth, and spray some cologne on or what. Damn! I should have planned for this better. Minutes later she messages me that she is in the lobby and looking for me. I gathered up all my courage and Mike wished me luck. I strut into the front part of the restaurant and I got this smile on my face like it was 1992 and I had just seen all the Christmas presents a week early. Her eyes lit up right away too, that had to be a good sign. I walked right up to her and we both hugged each other like we had met several times before. Giggidy! Now Bunny was wearing a tight fit low-cut teal colored shirt that highlighted her bombs. She also had on White short-shorts. I have a weakness for any pant or short that is white. Call me crazy but the shit looks hot. Bunny was approximately 5’ 8” and maybe 120 lbs. That was perfect because I hate when girls are to skinny, its just tacky. That stick figure look is long gone. She had long brunette hair and even longer beautifully tanned legs. She had cheeks on her as well, not quite the ones you could rest a drink on, but definitely cheeks. She had a mesmerizing smile that, in turn, made me smile every time she flashed it. Her skin was soft as silk, and her teeth pearly white. Her chest was amazing; it looked like God himself decided to throw some D’s on it. Without a doubt the biggest of my career…to date. Now I don’t want to sound like too much of a cupcake but she was legit! Especially since the last broad I took down was in the six or seven range.
I walked her back through the restaurant toward the bar with my head held high as ever and I had that silly smile that would not go away. She grabbed my hand as we were navigating through people. I felt like the king of Malibu, or at least Duke’s for that matter. We got back to our table. While I was only gone for about two minutes, Mike had managed to have two girls sitting at our six person table. Atta boy, it usually never takes him long at all. Especially if he’s sitting by himself. I introduced her to Mike, and he introduced us to these two random breezy’s he wrangled. Now as we sat there I was trying my best to keep her entertained. I asked every single question that I thought would sound good. I gave her all the usual lines but put a little more effort and charisma into them this time. Turns out that Bunny and I had the same birthday! Wow, she had to be the first person I’ve met in my entire life with a June 21st birthday. We bonded over that and a lot of other subtle common interests. Even if they weren’t common I made it seem that way. I laid my game down so thick on her that I even impressed myself. We watched the tail-end of the Lakers game and had a few cocktails. I also noticed about half the guys in the place were staring at her. That’s one way to know you got a dime piece on your hands. Mike even sent me some under the table text messages saying that she was certifiable, and that if I didn’t….he would!
After the Lakers won, we sat around for about twenty minutes and then collectively decided it was time to bail. I was praying that this would not be the end of it. She looked way to good pull a catch and release maneuver, so I asked her what her plans for the night were. Bunny responded to me by saying, “well, all I have to do is be ready for my shoot tomorrow morning.” I was beginning to think that I was in there like swimwear. So I told her that I had a few bottles of Champagne back at Mike’s place and asked her if she wanted to come over. He only lived about three miles away. Champagne and weed is the key to my heart for any of the lady’s out there that may be reading this. She gladly accepted. We went out to the Valet, and asked for the beast machine. When it arrived she hopped in back, its good to know that even a high class hoe knows her role. We drove back to Mike’s making friendly and humorous conversation the whole way back. When asked what her favorite kind of music was she replied with Mater P. Holy Fuck!! This girl just went up another page in my book, and I only have a couple pages in my book!
Once we got back to Mike’s place there was about 5 of us in total. Mike had invited the other broads back to the spot and rarely do I see them turn down the offer. We all sat around in his living room and popped a bottle of Moet. Then another, then another, then another, then another. After our fifth bottle of Champagne Mike and I found it was time to see if she passed the doe-doe test. We both took a bong rip, and politely asked her if she wanted to puff. She was slightly hesitant at first but later realized that we are just two goofy guys (with mad swagger) that like to have fun and crack a lot of jokes. By this time she was sitting on my lap and putting her arms around me in ways that almost made me get swollen, and I’m not talking about lifting weights either. She did the typical girly routine for bong rips where she says, “You start it and I will finish it.” Fair enough I figured. She took the rip and did that cute little cough that I find amusing for rookie puffers. After that she laid back in my arms and started telling us some of her silly Playboy stories. She seemed like a really cool and down to Earth chick. A woman that I could actually see myself romancing with for a while. We decided to pop our final bottle of Champagne. Number six was in the books!
After that Mike was doing his thing with the other two breezy’s so Bunny and I decided to go downstairs to the kitchen to grab something else to drink. Keep in mind that I never get buckled when I drink champagne. I just get super silly and flirtatious on these hoes, and when you mix weed into the equation it’s like I’m serving up 100% all natural Juicey Juice for their panties. I have an uncanny ability to find what they want to hear and flood their ears with it. Once we were in the kitchen I opened the refrigerator and asked if I could grab her a bottle of water or if there was anything that she wanted. I will never forget this; she responded with, “I want you!” I shut the door and immediately turned around to see her sitting on the edge of the kitchen counter with her arms out. I took two steps over and snuggled myself right between her legs and we started making out. She was a great kisser, not like some girls I have experienced. And within 30 seconds she reached right for Lil John and I thought, “OKAY!! Am I really going to smash her right here in the kitchen? Sweet!” Considering I have banged in a lot of weird places in the past 4 months that Mike and I have been on a party streak. Mel’s Diner parking lot, the middle of a crowded street with my hazards on, countless bathrooms, hotel rooftops, closets, alleyways, pools, you name it…I’ve probably beat cheeks there. We ended up just making out in the kitchen for about five minutes before we heard people moving around upstairs like they were heading down. So we broke apart, and looked at each other like we wanted to rip our clothes off and fuck one another’s brains out. At that instant Mike and his two hoes came down, and I call them hoes because I don’t know their names individually. We all decided that the night was basically a wrap. I went upstairs to grab my hoodie, and Mike came bounding up the stairs like Shaq running the forty yard dash. “Are you gonna smash?” he asked. “I don’t know man, she has to be back at her hotel tonight and has shit to do in the morning.” I responded. “Well figure it out! My chicks are whack, I’m gonna call up one of my go-to’s.” He said. I laughed. Mike always has a back-up plan for getting box. If it comes down to it, I’ve seen this kid drive half-way across L.A. at four in the morning just to burry some broad and then leave and come back home. You can’t hate on the man, he just has not realized that half the male population has discovered YouPorn and will just crank one out under those circumstances. But I agree I would much rather get box than crank one any day of the week.
Now we were all standing outside, Mike was saying goodbye to his hoes and I was quietly cup caking with my playmate. A little kiss here, a little one there, and I couldn’t wait to get at her in some place private. My car was back at my friend Alec’s place in Brentwood, so I basically was waiting on Mike so he could give us a ride to her hotel which was right on PCH by the pier. I wasn’t sure weather or not she would be inviting me up for the night so as we hopped in the Yukon so I was thinking that I might even have to drive home with a full sack of blue balls. Once we got to her place she asked me to walk her up to her room, there was no way I was gonna say no. I told Mike to give me a minute and he responded with a look like, ‘dude I don’t want to be waiting here for hours while you beat’. I told him to give me just a couple minutes and then I would let him know. So he hopped on his Sidekick phone and started lining up his own flavor of tuna for the evening.
I walked her through the lobby of her hotel, where the front desk guy looked distraught; because you know he was waiting to flirt with her when she came back. He looked at me like I stole his lady, I got a good chuckle out of that. We got to her door and I thought that this was either make it or break it time. She opened the door and I walked in behind her, she set her purse down then turned around and leaped on me like I was a one of those Velcro walls that you stick to at the county fair. After struggling to keep my balance and playing it off cool we went at it hard. I threw her down on the bed and was finally fulfilling my life long dream. I kept giggling to myself in my head, because I was thinking about how long I had been waiting for this and even though it wasn’t Jenny McCarthy circa 1996, I still wished someone would be in the room taking pictures of this momentous event. I was trying to do everything right. Trying to touch all the spots, replaying Lil Kim’s lyrics in my head about how a bad girl likes it. Just as I took off her shirt I realized that I had unleashed T.M.D.’s. Titties of Mass Destruction. It was like two Spalding basketballs were wrapped in her bra. Holy Fuck, I thought. Those things needed there own zip code. I couldn’t believe that they were actually real! I was all over the map, I couldn’t figure out where to start. We were starting to get really heavy and then I heard that gay ass AT&T ring coming from my pocket. I tried to ignore it, but then it rang again. I had completely forgotten that Mike was still waiting outside; he called twice in a row so on the third I reluctantly forced myself to break away and answered the call. He said, “Yo man!! You beating or what?” I didn’t know how to respond to him because she was staring right at me unsnapping her little white pants while keeping one hand on my belt. “uhhh….uhhh, naw man. Just gimme a minute.” I knew that wasn’t the case but she hadn’t given me the full green light yet. “Dude, Ima leave you if you’re not down here in 5 minutes. Let me know what’s up,” Mike said. “Alright man, I’ll call ya right back.” I knew that didn’t make sense. So I laid back down on her like a lion on his kill. I asked her what the plan was. I told her that Mike was about to leave and that I had to go with him unless I was going to spend the night with her and take her to heaven on Earth. Right down to the chase. She gave me this look like the fate of the free world depended on banging me, something that had to be done, but then spat out, “I don’t know if we should do this right away. I’m trying to be an independent women and I also really like you.” God damnit! Why do women always have to like me so much that they insist on not wanting to bang right away? Shouldn’t it be the opposite? I mean if I like a girl, I mean REALLY like a girl I am ready to eat vagina like Pac-Man within the first five minutes of meeting her. Is it my amazingly handsome looks? My sweet boyish charm? My unbelievable make-out skills? My small town boy appearance? My creative mix of educated humor and raw athletic prowess? Who knows? The list could go on for pages. Hoes just don’t want to fuck me, they want to love me. That is what has ruined it for so many women in my past.
When presented with this decision, I could see that she was pondering it over very hard in her head. Whenever a lady is actually at that point of half-undressed contemplation I have one solution. Eat box. While I could tell that she was weighing things out, I slowly started kissing down her neck to her chest, worked the stomach, then I stalled out like a $4500 clunker on her hips for a while. I made sure to hit every square centimeter of her torso. I made sure not to go all the way down to the Gina yet, because she had an important decision to make and I couldn’t cloud her judgment. Once I had officially started on this process, it is basically like clockwork. You could set your watch to the amount of time that it takes a girl to go from uncertain to absolutely certain. She pulled me back up to her violently and rolled on top of me. She was now trying to play the aggressive girl role. She threw my hands back and said, “You’re staying with me!” Woo hoo!! I thought, as the Rocky theme music blared in my head. She then started pulling my T-shirt off, almost tearing the thing in to shreds. C’mon now girl, it’s not a Hanes, and I don’t get these Nike’s for free! Be easy. I had to give her my best Heisman pose while I reached into my pocket to grab my phone and tell Mike to leave. Not most people know the feeling, but it is very awkward when talking to your best friend while a girl is going down on you. She had unbuttoned my pants and unleashed John’s Legend. I was telling Mike to holler at me in the morning and I was sorry for making him wait. He then sped off into the evening where I later learned that he would end up comfortably in his own bed with a lovely lil model girl that would drive an hour just to see him and then be out before noon the next day.
Back to me, I decided that if I am going to do a Playmate I must do it right! This could open up a lot of doors for me; Mansion party’s, more playmates, and Hollywood events that have you surrounded by so many hoes that you start feeling like a broken piggy bank, where all you see is dimes This love session was not only for pleasure and self-gratification, but this was business. I had to do perfect so that I would be spoken of highly around the Playboy Bunny world and could possibly be the savior to all my friends who still have not given up on the dream. We had a steamy dry-humping session for about twenty minutes where I got to bask in all of her breasts glory. After that I knew it was time to make my impression felt, I had one option. I had to eat her box like it was my last supper. I had to make her shake like a jack-hammer on my face. This was go time. This is what I have been training for since I was a kid. I went down on her with passionate fury. Making her wiggle and scream all over the bed. I like to consider this one of my specialties. If she were a bull-riding Cowgirl, my face would be her saddle. I continued to strain my jaw muscles for approximately two orgasms. After that I was starting to get lock jaw, and could barely breathe. I pulled my head out of her legs and took a long breath of fresh air. “Whew!” I said. Sweat dripping all down my face, or at least I hoped it was sweat. She grabbed me by the waist and threw me right into her. I continued to get the little kid smile while I was carefully pumping away. I couldn’t tell how this Bunny liked it. She wasn’t necessarily like banging a dead fish but she definitely wasn’t barking out orders or letting me know what she liked. There was just a few “oohs and ahhs.” Nothing that I would ever really brag about. I was somewhat disappointed because all these years I just pictured Playboy girls being absolute freaks in bed, the kind that leave you scared at the end of the night Kristina Marie don’t think I forgot about you girl!
The depressing part is that I put on a solid performance when I was whispering to her vagina, but when it came to giving her the Friday Night Smack Down I failed. I let myself down. It reminded me of the movie, “Along Came Polly,” when Ben Stiller is smashing Jen Anniston. I was trying so hard to last longer and I was even counting in my head! To no avail. I blew my load like a kid getting his first hand job. Damn, I was so ashamed. I could see the Playboy mansion fading away in my dreams. I rolled over and went into cupcake mode to try and salvage anything that was left. I got up and got the towel. I dipped half of it in warm water. I got her a glass of water. Once I lay back down I could feel my eyes getting heavy and tried to fight the impending sleep that naturally follows blowing a He-Man nut and drawing a mini-map of Hawaii on her stomach. It was only a matter of minutes until I would be out. So I gave her a kiss and I laid there cuddling like a chump. Within fifteen minutes we were both out.
We all know that waking up next to someone that you’re not dating has its awkward moments. When you performed like a donkey the night before it can make you feel very uncomfortable. We both oddly awoke at about the same time. I thought about just laying there and playing Possum, but then I reminded myself that this was a Playmate. I had to do something. We held each other for a bit before I got my morning wood. Once she noticed, she flipped around and decided to give me another shot at the title. This time I was bound and determined to try and bend her like Beckham. I immediately went down for some box munching. Don’t get silly and think that I do this for any girl but please believe Playmates are basically America’s version of Princess’ and I had to do it for my country. Plus she looked great on my resume. I made her shake again because I am a Veteran in the vagina licking game. Then I threw her over and proceeded to take her to Pound Town. If you Google it there is actually a city in Virginia, Town of Pound. This time I broke her off proper and I knew that she was more than pleased. I had made up for a lackluster performance the night before. I feel like my neighbor was pleased as well because when after when I walked out on her patio while she was in the shower, the old man looked at me and smiled and gave me the cheers sign. It was kind of creepy but on the other hand I could totally see myself doing that when I get old. We both were showered up and were lying in bed having small talk. Her shoot was postponed, so we decided to take a nice, romantic walk on the beach in Malibu. We walked hand-in-hand from the hotel down the beach for about an hour. We talked about everything from how beautiful it was around Malibu, what her photo shoot was for, how she wanted me to come down to Dallas, to the big “celeb” wedding that she would be in a few weeks from now.
I am really not good at doing this entire cup caking thing, especially after a night of drinking. When we got back from our little walk we went up to the room and she changed into her model clothes. She looked like a legitimate dime piece all over again. I received a text message from Mike, saying that he would be through in about thirty minutes and he was bringing my gym clothes so we could go to the gym. I let her know that I would be leaving soon, trying to dip out on her. She informed me that her Town Car was already waiting downstairs and that she had to leave so I agreed to walk her out. We said our goodbyes, and she was on her way. I was now sitting in the lobby of a great hotel right next to Malibu pier without my wallet and wearing clothes from the previous day. I made small talk with the valet’s for thirty minutes before Mike had finally pulled up. He pulled up, and rolled down his window in perfect timing for the song by Soldier Boy to say, “Kissing you in public, thinking nothing of it.” That was his way of calling me out for cup caking all night. As sure as the sky is blue, he had the spare Vitamin Water and picked up a sandwich for me. What are friends for! He knew exactly what I was thinking. He wanted to know all the details which he got in Hi-Def of course. Then Mike told me all about his girl that he was with. Then, just like ‘Pinky and the Brain’ we said, “well what are we going to do tonight Mikey? The same thing we do every night John, try and take over some box!”
All said and done, I occasionally see Bunny when she is in town. I don’t keep in that good of contact with her though. After I started seeing her on TV I realized that she is just another dumb chick who loves to show her boobs while indoor skydiving, or dances naked while in the hot tub at The Palms hotel in Vegas. She’s one of those women that are fun, but nothing you should keep around. I was able to live out my childhood fantasy of having sex with a Playmate. It wasn’t exactly what I had hoped it would be like but it is now something that I can check off of my list. Next on my childhood list would have to be a Victoria’s Secret model. Not sure how that will happen, but then again, I didn’t have a plan for this one either.
John's Pissed
When I first moved to Hermosa Beach I was somewhat jaded. I saw hundreds of beautiful women all day long, but hadn’t figured the way that the beach hoes work. I was more of a preppy city dresser and had not been groomed to the beach lifestyle which is more of board shorts and Rainbow flip-flops. It took me a few weeks of going out locally to see what it took to reel in these beach ladies. I had a small group of friends that I knew from UCLA that had a small place on 22nd street. It was about 8 blocks from the pier. I would usually go out with them on the weekends and take home the occasional swamp donkey. My friend at the time, Jeff, was dating this one girl named Sierra. I thought she was your prototypical California beach girl. She was a dime piece in my piggy bank. They were somewhat on the rocks at the time, so I took that as an opportunity to test the waters.
Sierra and Jeff broke up about a month after I had known her. My other friend Andrew was dating Sierra’s best friend at the time, Rosanne. So this posed a little bit of cleverness for me to be able to sneak my way into Sierra’s life without letting all the boys know that I was too into her. I befriended Rosanne, in an attempt to get with Sierra. It was a very tough situation. Rosanne is a full blown alcoholic party chick that will be extremely loud and abrasive at any hour of the day. This was probably not the best way to approach going out with Sierra but I was still kind of shy and didn’t want to get a bad rap in a new city.
All the boys went back home for one weekend to wine country so I decided this was my chance to jump in some box. I nervously called Sierra and asked if she wanted to do something this weekend. She told me that Rosanne and her would be going out to the pier and just hanging out but that I was more than welcome to join them. So at about 7pm on a Friday night I showed up to Sierra’s place. She was there listening to music with Rosanne and they were obviously having a few glasses of wine and getting in the mood. I felt a little awkward just for the fact that I felt like I was intruding on their girl time a little bit, however once they pulled out the Vodka shots that feeling quickly diminished. We all got a nice little buzz going and then took a round of bong hits. Rosanne was already becoming the loud drunk that has come to be her existence in the South Bay, but I knew that if I could handle getting beat-up by grown men on the ice I could definitely tolerate an annoying little chick.
We all start walking down to the pier and we go directly to a bar at the end of the pier closest to the water. We sit on the stools outside and I order a round of drinks for the ladies. I then proceed to order another. Once again, long Island Iced Teas are my bread-and-butter. The girls get their little fruity drinks. Sierra claims that she knows the bartender, which I later found out is a guy that was trying to date her the whole time. She told me to wait while she and Rosanne went in to work the bartender for some free drinks. While they were in there, I patiently waited outside and winked and smiled at every girl I saw. I ended up talking to one girl who kept grabbing my shirt and pulling me towards her. She saw me with two girls, then approached and asked me what sport I played. I told her chess, and she became offended. What a bitch. She then told me that I played for the Los Angeles Kings. Damn, at least she got the sport right. In my inebriated state I decided to agree with her. This made her way more attracted and she even brought her friend over, which was a guy, and they proceeded to grill me about hockey for about 10 minutes until my ladies came back with my drinks. This chick was still hesitant to leave but when the ladies came over with a tray of long islands and four Jaeger shots they split.
We all said some stupid cheers about friendship or some B.S. like that, the only thing I wanted to cheers to was my dick slipping into Sierra that night. I ended up drinking three of the Jaeger shots and three of the Long Island’s. Not on purpose, but like Ricky Bobby when he’s signing autographs, you’d better not get in the way when I’m in the zone. I will just put those things down until someone tells me otherwise or takes them away. By this time I wouldn’t refer to myself as blacked out but more along the lines of only small candles are burning inside.
Rosanne leaves the bar to go home, and Sierra and I are about to walk three blocks to her place. I was pretty fuckin’ hammered but I had somehow charmed her enough so that she wanted to take me back to her place. As we exited the bar, there was one of those Rick-Shaw types of deals with the guy pedaling his bike and a seat for two attached to the end of the bike. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I hailed him over and pushed Sierra in. She insisted that it wasn’t necessary however I was drunk and hadn’t been on one of these in ages, and although it was only three blocks they were all uphill. So we get in and snuggle up next to each other. This guy must have hated me! I am a slim 235 lbs. and she was about 5’ 8” 125 lbs. By the time we got to the top of the hill dude was sweating his bean bag off! He was exhausted. I couldn’t help but laugh and told him maybe he should drive a cab instead. I got out and reached in my wallet, only to notice that I had spent all my cash at the bar and only had credit and debit cards left! Wow, I am a jackass. So much for being romantic. Sierra stepped in and paid the dude.
We walked up the steps to her place and sat down on her little loveseat. She proceeded to pour us a glass of wine each and then she went to the bathroom. I sat there thinking to myself, “Okay John. You got this. I know I’m wasted, but just keep it cool for a while and you’ll be fine.” Sierra returned, a few minutes later with a small pipe and offered me some weed. That was probably something I shouldn’t have accepted. Obviously I hit the thing like I was trying to inhale the weed past my lungs and all the way down to my feet, not a good idea. I gave it back to her and she ripped it then she turned on the TV and snuggled up next to me. We made small talk, about what I could never tell you because I was officially out cold. “Dead man walking!”
From what I’m told we sat there on her couch for about twenty minutes talking about how we both kind of liked each other. We then started to make out for a few minutes before I ruined the whole evening. The following is what I am told by her; I broke away from our kiss and said that I had to use the restroom. I stood up and took about three steps over towards her desk and computer station. I stood there for a second and then proceeded to whip out my dick and pee all over her Mac laptop, her iPod, her printer, and I even got most of her business files before she leaped up and pushed me out the door. I guess I finished peeing outside and just lay down on her doorstep like a dog that had been put out for shitting on the rug or something. She told me that she spent about an hour cleaning everything and then decided to let me back in the apartment before she fell asleep.
Now, the only thing that I remember is waking up in the morning. I woke up with Marshmallow Fluff all over my face, my t-shirt, and it was on her couch that I was sleeping on. I don’t even like that stuff, and better yet I didn’t even know they still made it! She had it though, and apparently I woke in the early hours of the morning and pulled it out of her cupboard and took down the whole jar. I didn’t know what to do. I thought about just getting up and leaving because I had just ate all her Fluff and it was spilled everywhere. So I sat up and set the jar down and thought about running home, as soon as I did she walked out of her room and came in and sat by me. I told her I would get her cushions dry-cleaned and that I was sorry for messing them up. Then she asked me about last night.
She said that I was lucky she let me back in. I asked her, “Well why did I leave? Where did I go?” She was not impressed with that comment to say the least. I had to sit there with a straight face while she told me all about me pissing on her desk and almost ruining her electronics. I wanted to burst out laughing but I had a pretty good feeling that a slap would ensue. I apologized emphatically and told her that I would buy her a new computer if that was the case. I did feel terrible about doing that, but on the other hand I wanted to go home and tell my buddies the stupid shit that I had done.
Sierra ended up forgiving me rather quickly. I did send her flowers that read, “Sorry for pissing on your computer,” and I made sure that the delivery guy would say that aloud to her. She got a giggle out of that. I guess I am as smooth as a piece of silk sliding down a butter slip-n-slide because I started dating this girl about a month after that and we stayed together for just over a year! Talk about a great way to start a relationship. She was a brutal girlfriend so please believe there will be plenty more stories about her!
Sierra and Jeff broke up about a month after I had known her. My other friend Andrew was dating Sierra’s best friend at the time, Rosanne. So this posed a little bit of cleverness for me to be able to sneak my way into Sierra’s life without letting all the boys know that I was too into her. I befriended Rosanne, in an attempt to get with Sierra. It was a very tough situation. Rosanne is a full blown alcoholic party chick that will be extremely loud and abrasive at any hour of the day. This was probably not the best way to approach going out with Sierra but I was still kind of shy and didn’t want to get a bad rap in a new city.
All the boys went back home for one weekend to wine country so I decided this was my chance to jump in some box. I nervously called Sierra and asked if she wanted to do something this weekend. She told me that Rosanne and her would be going out to the pier and just hanging out but that I was more than welcome to join them. So at about 7pm on a Friday night I showed up to Sierra’s place. She was there listening to music with Rosanne and they were obviously having a few glasses of wine and getting in the mood. I felt a little awkward just for the fact that I felt like I was intruding on their girl time a little bit, however once they pulled out the Vodka shots that feeling quickly diminished. We all got a nice little buzz going and then took a round of bong hits. Rosanne was already becoming the loud drunk that has come to be her existence in the South Bay, but I knew that if I could handle getting beat-up by grown men on the ice I could definitely tolerate an annoying little chick.
We all start walking down to the pier and we go directly to a bar at the end of the pier closest to the water. We sit on the stools outside and I order a round of drinks for the ladies. I then proceed to order another. Once again, long Island Iced Teas are my bread-and-butter. The girls get their little fruity drinks. Sierra claims that she knows the bartender, which I later found out is a guy that was trying to date her the whole time. She told me to wait while she and Rosanne went in to work the bartender for some free drinks. While they were in there, I patiently waited outside and winked and smiled at every girl I saw. I ended up talking to one girl who kept grabbing my shirt and pulling me towards her. She saw me with two girls, then approached and asked me what sport I played. I told her chess, and she became offended. What a bitch. She then told me that I played for the Los Angeles Kings. Damn, at least she got the sport right. In my inebriated state I decided to agree with her. This made her way more attracted and she even brought her friend over, which was a guy, and they proceeded to grill me about hockey for about 10 minutes until my ladies came back with my drinks. This chick was still hesitant to leave but when the ladies came over with a tray of long islands and four Jaeger shots they split.
We all said some stupid cheers about friendship or some B.S. like that, the only thing I wanted to cheers to was my dick slipping into Sierra that night. I ended up drinking three of the Jaeger shots and three of the Long Island’s. Not on purpose, but like Ricky Bobby when he’s signing autographs, you’d better not get in the way when I’m in the zone. I will just put those things down until someone tells me otherwise or takes them away. By this time I wouldn’t refer to myself as blacked out but more along the lines of only small candles are burning inside.
Rosanne leaves the bar to go home, and Sierra and I are about to walk three blocks to her place. I was pretty fuckin’ hammered but I had somehow charmed her enough so that she wanted to take me back to her place. As we exited the bar, there was one of those Rick-Shaw types of deals with the guy pedaling his bike and a seat for two attached to the end of the bike. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I hailed him over and pushed Sierra in. She insisted that it wasn’t necessary however I was drunk and hadn’t been on one of these in ages, and although it was only three blocks they were all uphill. So we get in and snuggle up next to each other. This guy must have hated me! I am a slim 235 lbs. and she was about 5’ 8” 125 lbs. By the time we got to the top of the hill dude was sweating his bean bag off! He was exhausted. I couldn’t help but laugh and told him maybe he should drive a cab instead. I got out and reached in my wallet, only to notice that I had spent all my cash at the bar and only had credit and debit cards left! Wow, I am a jackass. So much for being romantic. Sierra stepped in and paid the dude.
We walked up the steps to her place and sat down on her little loveseat. She proceeded to pour us a glass of wine each and then she went to the bathroom. I sat there thinking to myself, “Okay John. You got this. I know I’m wasted, but just keep it cool for a while and you’ll be fine.” Sierra returned, a few minutes later with a small pipe and offered me some weed. That was probably something I shouldn’t have accepted. Obviously I hit the thing like I was trying to inhale the weed past my lungs and all the way down to my feet, not a good idea. I gave it back to her and she ripped it then she turned on the TV and snuggled up next to me. We made small talk, about what I could never tell you because I was officially out cold. “Dead man walking!”
From what I’m told we sat there on her couch for about twenty minutes talking about how we both kind of liked each other. We then started to make out for a few minutes before I ruined the whole evening. The following is what I am told by her; I broke away from our kiss and said that I had to use the restroom. I stood up and took about three steps over towards her desk and computer station. I stood there for a second and then proceeded to whip out my dick and pee all over her Mac laptop, her iPod, her printer, and I even got most of her business files before she leaped up and pushed me out the door. I guess I finished peeing outside and just lay down on her doorstep like a dog that had been put out for shitting on the rug or something. She told me that she spent about an hour cleaning everything and then decided to let me back in the apartment before she fell asleep.
Now, the only thing that I remember is waking up in the morning. I woke up with Marshmallow Fluff all over my face, my t-shirt, and it was on her couch that I was sleeping on. I don’t even like that stuff, and better yet I didn’t even know they still made it! She had it though, and apparently I woke in the early hours of the morning and pulled it out of her cupboard and took down the whole jar. I didn’t know what to do. I thought about just getting up and leaving because I had just ate all her Fluff and it was spilled everywhere. So I sat up and set the jar down and thought about running home, as soon as I did she walked out of her room and came in and sat by me. I told her I would get her cushions dry-cleaned and that I was sorry for messing them up. Then she asked me about last night.
She said that I was lucky she let me back in. I asked her, “Well why did I leave? Where did I go?” She was not impressed with that comment to say the least. I had to sit there with a straight face while she told me all about me pissing on her desk and almost ruining her electronics. I wanted to burst out laughing but I had a pretty good feeling that a slap would ensue. I apologized emphatically and told her that I would buy her a new computer if that was the case. I did feel terrible about doing that, but on the other hand I wanted to go home and tell my buddies the stupid shit that I had done.
Sierra ended up forgiving me rather quickly. I did send her flowers that read, “Sorry for pissing on your computer,” and I made sure that the delivery guy would say that aloud to her. She got a giggle out of that. I guess I am as smooth as a piece of silk sliding down a butter slip-n-slide because I started dating this girl about a month after that and we stayed together for just over a year! Talk about a great way to start a relationship. She was a brutal girlfriend so please believe there will be plenty more stories about her!
Legendary Tracks
A list of some of the tracks that bump in Lagends Pants for the month of October:
- Lil' Wayne ft. Gucci Mane - We Be Steady Mobbin'
- Birdman ft. Drake and Lil Wayne - Money to Blow
- Kid Cudi - Cleveland is the Reason
- Kid Cudi - Mowie Wowie
- Kid Cudi - Man on The Moon
- Kid Cudi - Make her say ft. Kanye West
- Kid Cudi - Dat New New
- Drake - Forever ft. Lil Wayne and Eminem
- T.I. - Hell of a life
- Jeremiah - Hating on me
- Jeremiah - Imma Star
- Jeremiah - My Ride
- Jeremiah - Raindrops
- Yung LA - Ain't I
- Soulja Boy - Inked up
- Rod Benson - Don't call me tall
- Rod Benson - The Resuscitation Song ft. Mike Fey and John "legend" Fieweger
- Soulja Boy - Successful ft. Lil Wayne
- Beyonce - Ego ft. Kanye West
- Drake - Replacement Girl ft. Trey Songz
- Drake - Brand New ft. Lil Wayne
These are the beats when I 'm rolling in the streets, creeping in the sheets, or breaking ankles in my sneaks. Enjoy
Monday, October 5, 2009
Aussie Nights, LA Streets
It was another sunny day as most are in Southern California during the summer time. I was with my great friend Mike and we were doing our normal early off-season activities which included an intense work out around noon for a couple of hours followed up with approximately three to four hours of rips and video games. This night seemed to present a different challenge however. Mike had just informed me that a whom he had “hooked up with” while playing in Dubai the previous season was in town with two of her Australian friends that have never been to America before and they all wanted to go out in Hollywood tonight. Australians? First time in America? Wow, sign me up! This grabbed my attention so much that I actually paused the game and said, “Pull her up on the Book…now!” Seeing as that’s how we decide weather or not a chick is worthy of a face to face meeting nowadays. So he pulled her up and we creeped on her for a while trying to guess and hope which one of her friends they may be. Usually I will take Mike’s word for it because he rarely ever lets me down with his “work.” She looked fine like a mid-range glass of wine, so I agreed to go with him. It was either that or more hits and video games, tough choice.
In order to prepare for the evening we started out by taking a few more hits while drinking a brass monkey, for those who don’t know how high class that is, it is a 40 oz. preferably Mickey’s with a shot of Orange Juice. The Bum’s version of a Mimosa. Then we threw on our pimpin threads and decided we were ready to hit the town. We left Alec’s place, which is our video game safe-haven, and drove to the ’s hotel which was located right next to LAX. Once we arrived we Valet’d the car, which you always do if you know you will be leaving with the or if it’s a first time encounter and you’re looking to impress. Mike and I stroll up to their room where we met everyone. To my delight it was three beautiful s all in their mid 20’s. The first was named Amanda. She had a y but sweet look to her, however I knew Mike would end up smashing her so I didn’t even think twice about it. The others names were, lets just say Annie and Boo. At first glance I looked at Annie and thought of Posh Spice, I refuse to call her Posh Beckham b/c I still can’t believe she’s cakin’ with that little dude. She had the body and the look down solid. She was definitely worth a drink in my book. The other, Boo, was of Asian decent but with a mean Australian accent. It Kind of threw me off at first. She looked like a 5’ 2” pump-fake Kimora Lee-Simmons, but would not stop talking about how tall Mike and I were. I wanted to quote one of my favorite poets Rod Benson and say, “if you can call me tall, than I can call you fat!” However, I didn’t do it, mainly because she was not fat and anything else that I could think to say was inappropriate.
Mike and I brought up a bottle of Jaeger and Grey Goose like any true Los Angeles gentleman would. After 15 minutes of initial small talk and everyone making fun of the others accents we all started to mix up drinks and get loose. Of course I went straight for the Jaeger because I have built up a unique tolerance for it, but at the same time it gets me wasted. I sometimes refer to it as being “007 wasted” because on the inside I’m toasted like a piece of Sourdough at breakfast, but on the outside it appears as if I could save the world from disaster. Collectively the 5 of us put down the bottles in about an hour and a half in their hotel room. The Annie seemed to be the bitch of the group, there’s always one. She was continually leaving the room to talk on her phone in the hallway. So being the great mathematician that I am, I just put two and two together and figured she had a boyfriend and would be a drag on the whole night. I thought to myself, “whatever I guess I’ll just smash the Asian!” Every time Annie would leave to go cupcake in the hallway and the other s would run in the bathroom to change their outfits again or re-do make-up I took it upon myself to rush over and snake some of their take-out dinner. I thought, “if these hoe’s are going to drink our booze, be snooty, and cake with other dudes than their unguarded dinner is fair game.” I usually tend to analyze situations like this in the “eye for an eye” mindset. Just before we left and Annie’s take-out dinner was damn near gonzo, Mike and I decided we would go to the club named, for safety sake we’ll call it “Mi Casa,” everyone knows that when you go there you have to throw at least one in the air. So I began rolling up a blunt, which then lead to me rolling up two. One of my biggest pet peeves is when s give you that look when you’re rolling up weed or smoking weed like you’re a junkie who is or smoking . It’s like “Damn ! It’s just weed, the s legal here anyways. It comes from the Earth, and it’s all natural. Don’t ….Appreciate
So now we are finally ready to go. We embark down the hall looking like some cool cats with these three little breezy’s. I am locked and loaded with a Vitamin Water bottle (XXX of course) full of Jaeger and a splash of soda and two blunts in my sock. As we hit the lobby in full stride I noticed, as I have many times, the Valet dudes will give you the most sour/ spiteful looks when you are doing something that they wish they were doing. Instead they are working…hate, , , ! I hopped in shotgun, of course, and let these three little chickens duke it out to see who’s riding bitch in the back of the Yukon, which is riding clean on 24” Foose’s I might add. So as we are smashing down Sunset bumping the remix to Soldier Boy’s “turn my swag on,” we absolutely blew these chicks mind with our own swagger, which never turns off.
Once we arrive to “mi Casa,” I am pretty in wet, not gonna lie, my “Vitamin Water” is gone and I’m walking with a smile. We walk right up to the front past about 100 rs who all are trying to get in the club with either a group of like eight dudes or four fat s. Mike gets a table and we all go right in. They gave us a table on the patio area, which means that the blunt smoke would flow freely…jackpot! After about an hour in the club of hitting the Goose, dancing like a fool and throwing one in the air, Mike and I did our mandatory solo lap just to see if there was any chance to upgrade from the Aussie’s. There was obviously a few that looked ready like spaghetti but nothing to ditch a group of three out-of-towners for. So we returned only to see all the Aussie s sitting in a close-knit circle around our bottle. I was so proud of those hoes for protecting our investment and not getting lured off by some d-bag in tight jeans and a button-down. So I sit down and continue to pour myself yet another drink. By this time I’m pretty banged up but must keep going. For one, nobody likes a quitter. Two, when I’m out I go hard in the paint like Andrew Bynum. I always tend to pour my own drinks, even though we are paying the waitress to do so. I love my drinks. I make the most gnarly, putrid drinks when I’m wasted. They are usually about 70% Goose, 15% Orenthal James, and 15% Cranbizzle. They look as disgusting as they taste but I love them.
This is the point when the Asian Aussie leans into me and says, “Hey, my Annie really likes you!! Do you like her?” I leaned back like Fat Joe and said, “What!? She hasn’t said a word to me all night. Is that how you Aussie’s do it?” In the back of my mind I was pumped, thinking thank god I don’t have to take down the wee lil one, and now I can do work on Pump-Fake Posh. So lil Asia get up and has Bluff Spice sit down next to me in that awkward 4th grade fashion. Now, in my inebriated state I start making the best conversation I can. We talk about Australia, her family, school, traveling, basically whatever the she wants to hear. Turns out my swag was on because she ended up buying into my game like an A-Rod contract and next thing you know she was rubbing on me and we went directly into cupcake mode.
At around 1:15am everyone knows the club will die down soon, and people are trying to make their final moves. So Mike breaks away from his cake session and we both decide to throw that last blunt in the air. All of a sudden the same s that were mean-mugging me for rolling the blunt wanted to get down on it! So of course we let them rip it, I mean why not right? I forgot to throw out the O.G. Kush warning before they all took a puff. Mike and I burned the whole thing down to our , then I head to the bathroom and Mike goes for another solo lap trying to grab some digits for another night. We left the three of them sitting there giggling like a group of teenage Japanese tourists. When we both come back a few minutes later we see some dude trying to swoop on our chicks, so I fade into the shadows like Darkwing Duck just to observe and see if they will try to punk us and leave with someone else. To my delight I see Annie turns into him and pukes all over this guys shirt! He hopped up like he was doing the high jump at the Beijing Summer games, and started ing up…serves you right punk. The s rush over to her, while mike and I stand about 10 feet away trying to analyze the situation. Now we realize that this had just completely passed out at our table. !!! I asked her friends what happened, like I didn’t see, and they just said she was sick. Wow they are smart. They insisted that they get her home, honestly…where the else are we gonna take her? So like a gentleman I take the last shot out of the bottle while Mike goes to get the car.
So now Mike is gone and here I am stuck with two and a half drunken s. If it was under any other circumstances I would be on my knees thanking God, however now the bouncer saw the mess and was like, “what the hell happened here?” I politely ensured him that some random guy threw up at the table next to us and then ran away, and that my had just had a long day and was exhausted. Mike calls me to say that he is waiting out back in the whip, so after continually trying to get Annie to wake up, and to no avail I have to grab the bitch up like ‘Weekend at Bernie’s part Me’ and eventually throw her over my shoulder caveman style. She was completely to the world, which made me look like the jack-ass/rapist creep carrying her out of the club. Everyone I passed was like, “that’s how ya get the s huh,” and “Wow that kids got game!” off; I was thinking, if you only knew. I had to walk down two flights of stairs and around an alley, only bumped her head once I might add. The hardest part was loading her into mike’s car; it felt like I was playing the game Operation with a 115 lb sack of potatoes. After she’s in the car we quickly flee the scene fearing that someone would report us for stealing a corpse or something. Not to mention the fact that I am wetter than J.J. Reddick from Duke’s three-point line and Mike is just as buckled as the seatbelt he’s wearing.
We arrive back to the hotel around 230am I had no idea how to get this moving. I tried poking (in a non-creepy way), clapping, loud noises, but nothing worked. So I thought back to my teenage days as a bellman and grabbed a luggage cart where I proceeded to load her up. Boo and I walked this , who was dressed like she needed to get slammed and completely passed out on a luggage cart through the lobby and to the elevators. To add insult there was a group of about 7 airline stewardess getting ready to leave the hotel that stared at me like I was the biggest piece of in the world. Mike stayed in the car with his cupcake where I later learned that he got some knowledge from his breezy while I was doing all the manual labor. He’s getting brains while I am dragging around a corpse…damn. Boo and I managed to get Weight Spice into bed where she partially awoke and was like, “what happened?” I told her to blame it on the Kush, not the alcohol. Just as I am leaving the lil Asian Aussie throws me a wicked pair of -me eyes. I thought to myself, ‘hmmmm I know I will see them again before they leave. Do I take the lil one now, or wait for the hotter one tomorrow?’ I decided to wait. My dick literally punched me for that. For one Annie was way hotter. Two, at my drunken state it would have taken at least 30-40 minutes of solid pump action for me to bust a nut and I knew Mike would not wait that long. Three, Mike had hits in the whip and my high was gone from carrying a drunk chick halfway across L.A.
I politely and respectfully said goodbye to my little niner and Half Spice and walked down to the lobby. Went passed all the airline ladies and gave them the look like, ‘see! I couldn’t have d her and been back this quick!’ Once I saw the car, I called Mike to tell him I was about twenty feet away. Aka the put your dick away call. Ten seconds later his chick hops out and I gave her a look like ‘I have a pretty good idea what you just did’ and she gave me a similar look like, ‘you’ll never guess what I just did.’ Silly hoe’s, you’re never as tricky as you think.
I hopped in the whip, and Mike and I speed off into the early AM, making only one necessary stop, Jack in the Box. 10 taco’s please! Then we proceeded to go back to Alec’s and play NBA09 for about an hour and a half before falling asleep with a tangled mess of fast food wrappers scattered about the floor.
Sure enough we planned to meet these Aussie’s the next day. This time they weren’t allowed any Kush. We even brought one of our scumbag friends named Colin. This kid would sit on any you can think of. Kind of a good guy to have in your contact list. He was there for one reason, and that was to take down the Asian so that I could be free to do work on my little one hit wonder. I needed to get redemption for last night that somehow turned into manual labor.
Once again, Mike and I began the night with getting in the right state of mind. Once we were half-cocked and ready to fire this pimp game on the Aussies we picked up Collin. This guy is your typical wanna-be actor/ type that you will find all over the LA area. He has the pretty boy face and thinks he is the . However….he is just . The only thing he brings to the table is mass quantities of weed, and the look to lure in women. After picking him up, we drove to meet these three ladies and bring them out with us to a club appropriately called, “the two.” When we arrived at their hotel Pass-out Spice gave me a look like she was so sorry for what she had done. She had the look of a third grader who had just their pants in the middle of class. I ensured her that she didn’t need to feel bad and that that kind of thing happens all the time. She began to feel at ease, and loosened up rather quickly. I immediately informed Collin of his task for the night. “Dude, you got to take down the Asian, so that I can smash.” Collin happily agreed. I could have told him to bang the homeless lady on the street corner and he would have agreed as well.
We all piled into the Yukon and headed out for Hollywood, round two. When we arrived we got a table and walked right into the back of the place. Once we were seated, the drinks started flowing and the music was hip-hop so I started getting down in my silly dance form. Mike sat back with his , and Collin punched-in and went to work on the Asian. I showed the lady’s all about the “Stanky leg” dance, and even brought the “Halle Berry” dance out for the night. The night went along smoothly. I had my and she loved me. Mike had his cupcake already in the books, and believe it or not Boo was all over Collin. The night seemed perfect. We crushed the bottle of Goose and were having a blast. When it came time to leave the club around 1:45 we all went out to the parking lot. Annie and I walked out hand in hand; I knew that I had this one locked up. When we got to the car, Collin reached in the back of the passenger seat and pulled out one of the most massive Rasta spliffs that I had ever seen! He must have put at least a quarter of dro into this thing. I couldn’t believe this. He had kept it a secret the whole time. This thing was easily the length of a paper-back book, and had girth like a hot dog. “Damn Son!” Mike and I both said in unison. “Where the hell did you get that?” “I got it from my ,” he whispered, making sure that Boo didn’t hear.
Collin did have a shady side. I have seen this kid live with older women on and off for the past couple years milking them dry before moving on to the next one. He is the male version of a gold-digging woman.
“Well okay than! Fire it up.” I exclaimed. This spliff must have taken the three of us 35 minutes to burn. Meanwhile I ensured that Annie didn’t even get close to it. I was not going to have another night like the last. The three s sat in the car with doors open and listened to music and were having their own good time. This thing had Mike and me floating on cloud 9. I don’t think I had ever been that high since the first time that I ever smoked weed back in high school. I was laughing hysterically, and clowning on any and everything I could see or think of. Mike sat back on the rear bumper of his car with a smile that spoke a million words.
Once the spliff was gone, and we were as well, we set sail for their hotel. Annie was rubbing my shoulders from the back seat while Collin cup caked in the third row with Boo. Amanda sat behind Mike doing who knows what. Mike was in the zone while he was driving. It was funny, almost like watching a 16 year old kid taking the driving test. So focused and so determined. When we reached the hotel, we piled out, and went straight to the room. The ladies had a bottle of Patron in their room which was probably the last thing anyone needed at that point. Just to be silly though we all took a shot. After hastily forcing that down I was more than ready to beat cheeks. The spliff had me set back a little but that Patron put me right into smash mode. Mike was lying on the bed with Amanda, and they were talking softly. Collin was lying on the bed with Boo and they were starting to get pretty cozy. How did I get screwed out of the bed? Oh well, I am a master of making things happen.
I casually strolled into the bathroom, leaving the door open and waited. I was going to give her ten seconds to get my drift. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4. Then she walked in. She came in, locked the door behind her, and wrapped her arms around me and we started making out right there on top of the sink. I was pretty pumped. Her kissing style reminded me of a Turkish chick that I banged while visiting a friend at UCLA back in ’05. She had a mouth like a motor bike, and was trying to set the land speed record for fastest tongue. Annie was f a delicate looking , very proper if you will, she was not very athletic looking by any stretch of the imagination. So when she dropped down to her knees on the all tile floor after only about 1 minute of kissing I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t surprised. Maybe this was her way of paying me back for taking care of her the previous night. I would rank her probably in my top 10 all-time for knob-jobs. #1 still goes out to the in Tulsa, OK, the Bible Beltway, if only I could remember her name I would look her up but it’s a lost cause now. She probably married some square that sits back and gets brains up all day.
Annie slurped my goo bazooka damn near to the point of me placing a spider web all over her face. I didn’t want that to take place so I gave her the tap on the shoulder and told her to hop like a kangaroo into the shower. She took her dress off in one clean motion and turned the water on. I on the other hand had to un-tie my Nike’s, which were still on, and then I wiggled out of my clothes and joined her. She almost went right back down to giving me brains but I to tell her no because I wanted to smash. She acted like a pro and turned around, she arched her back, put her ass out, and wrapped her hands around the shower head then just looked back at me. This was spicier than Tabasco, she was really growing on me, and now I was really growing in her. We beat in the shower for about an hour. I had to pull out and rip off a phantom nut; I watched all my little guys get carried away right down the drain. ‘Bye boys!’ I thought to myself. We mixed it up a few times. I even held her up for a while, which can be very ly without traction. After I finished for the second time, thanks Patron, we washed each other off. It was sweet. She washed me, I even made her get the gooch, and meanwhile I spent basically the whole time just washing her over and over again. We got out and dried off, got dressed and kept looking at each other like we were madly in love. I am really good at that face. I swear I should have been an actor the because of the way I can deceive these s. When we opened the door, we walked out only to find all of the other four sitting on the edge of their beds glaring at us. Wow! Talk about an uneasy moment. The two s looked as if they d my guts, and were so absolutely disgusted with the two of us. Collin looked mad and because he never got to pass second base with Boo. I guess she was just not that kind of . Mike was the only one who looked at me with a grin like he wanted to just die laughing but was trying his best to hold it together until we got in the car. Mike had gone into his car to hook up with Amanda for about 45 minutes and left Collin and Boo the whole bedroom to do work. So it turns out that they basically just sat there and listened to me smash for an hour. Mike told me that Amanda and he walked back in while I was just finishing up. They all heard Annie’s moans and the never-forgettable sound of rough . Boo made sure to let them know that she didn’t want to use the bathroom until it was cleaned and that I was a pig.
So now that I felt weird I could only imagine how Annie felt. We both stood there momentarily with blank looks on our faces. I stepped up to the plate to break the silence and said, “Well, let’s hit the road boys. Annie, you’re beautiful, give me a call. Boo have a great night, I’m sorry about your bathroom. Amanda it’s a pleasure as always. I’m out!” Mike gave Amanda a quick hug and then without saying anything walked straight for the door. I could tell he was about to blow up with laughter. He opened it and went straight to the car, with me following his footsteps. Collin walked out without even saying goodbye. I guess he tried to take their bottle of Patron with him but Boo was all over him. She ed it back, and then slammed the door.
Mike and I dropped off Collin at his cougars spot, and then continued to laugh our way back to Malibu. Mike confirmed the fact he got his custard cannon slurped again in the very seat that I was sitting in. He didn’t need to beat cheeks he said, she gave great knowledge. It was a silly night. I felt like I put on a show for 4 people. Mike was telling all about the dirty things that Boo was saying while I was still in the bathroom doing work. She also had to pee ever since we got back from the club and was furious! Since that day, I keep in touch with all of the s via “the Book,” although some more than others. Annie has come back to the states and stayed in New York again, but she wanted me to fly her out to LA. Yeah, right! Maybe a that is a repeat offender, but never a one-and-done lady. They don’t get any privileges. I will say that I like Australian women though. I plan on making a trip down under one of these days, and after that I will visit Australia as well!
In order to prepare for the evening we started out by taking a few more hits while drinking a brass monkey, for those who don’t know how high class that is, it is a 40 oz. preferably Mickey’s with a shot of Orange Juice. The Bum’s version of a Mimosa. Then we threw on our pimpin threads and decided we were ready to hit the town. We left Alec’s place, which is our video game safe-haven, and drove to the ’s hotel which was located right next to LAX. Once we arrived we Valet’d the car, which you always do if you know you will be leaving with the or if it’s a first time encounter and you’re looking to impress. Mike and I stroll up to their room where we met everyone. To my delight it was three beautiful s all in their mid 20’s. The first was named Amanda. She had a y but sweet look to her, however I knew Mike would end up smashing her so I didn’t even think twice about it. The others names were, lets just say Annie and Boo. At first glance I looked at Annie and thought of Posh Spice, I refuse to call her Posh Beckham b/c I still can’t believe she’s cakin’ with that little dude. She had the body and the look down solid. She was definitely worth a drink in my book. The other, Boo, was of Asian decent but with a mean Australian accent. It Kind of threw me off at first. She looked like a 5’ 2” pump-fake Kimora Lee-Simmons, but would not stop talking about how tall Mike and I were. I wanted to quote one of my favorite poets Rod Benson and say, “if you can call me tall, than I can call you fat!” However, I didn’t do it, mainly because she was not fat and anything else that I could think to say was inappropriate.
Mike and I brought up a bottle of Jaeger and Grey Goose like any true Los Angeles gentleman would. After 15 minutes of initial small talk and everyone making fun of the others accents we all started to mix up drinks and get loose. Of course I went straight for the Jaeger because I have built up a unique tolerance for it, but at the same time it gets me wasted. I sometimes refer to it as being “007 wasted” because on the inside I’m toasted like a piece of Sourdough at breakfast, but on the outside it appears as if I could save the world from disaster. Collectively the 5 of us put down the bottles in about an hour and a half in their hotel room. The Annie seemed to be the bitch of the group, there’s always one. She was continually leaving the room to talk on her phone in the hallway. So being the great mathematician that I am, I just put two and two together and figured she had a boyfriend and would be a drag on the whole night. I thought to myself, “whatever I guess I’ll just smash the Asian!” Every time Annie would leave to go cupcake in the hallway and the other s would run in the bathroom to change their outfits again or re-do make-up I took it upon myself to rush over and snake some of their take-out dinner. I thought, “if these hoe’s are going to drink our booze, be snooty, and cake with other dudes than their unguarded dinner is fair game.” I usually tend to analyze situations like this in the “eye for an eye” mindset. Just before we left and Annie’s take-out dinner was damn near gonzo, Mike and I decided we would go to the club named, for safety sake we’ll call it “Mi Casa,” everyone knows that when you go there you have to throw at least one in the air. So I began rolling up a blunt, which then lead to me rolling up two. One of my biggest pet peeves is when s give you that look when you’re rolling up weed or smoking weed like you’re a junkie who is or smoking . It’s like “Damn ! It’s just weed, the s legal here anyways. It comes from the Earth, and it’s all natural. Don’t ….Appreciate
So now we are finally ready to go. We embark down the hall looking like some cool cats with these three little breezy’s. I am locked and loaded with a Vitamin Water bottle (XXX of course) full of Jaeger and a splash of soda and two blunts in my sock. As we hit the lobby in full stride I noticed, as I have many times, the Valet dudes will give you the most sour/ spiteful looks when you are doing something that they wish they were doing. Instead they are working…hate, , , ! I hopped in shotgun, of course, and let these three little chickens duke it out to see who’s riding bitch in the back of the Yukon, which is riding clean on 24” Foose’s I might add. So as we are smashing down Sunset bumping the remix to Soldier Boy’s “turn my swag on,” we absolutely blew these chicks mind with our own swagger, which never turns off.
Once we arrive to “mi Casa,” I am pretty in wet, not gonna lie, my “Vitamin Water” is gone and I’m walking with a smile. We walk right up to the front past about 100 rs who all are trying to get in the club with either a group of like eight dudes or four fat s. Mike gets a table and we all go right in. They gave us a table on the patio area, which means that the blunt smoke would flow freely…jackpot! After about an hour in the club of hitting the Goose, dancing like a fool and throwing one in the air, Mike and I did our mandatory solo lap just to see if there was any chance to upgrade from the Aussie’s. There was obviously a few that looked ready like spaghetti but nothing to ditch a group of three out-of-towners for. So we returned only to see all the Aussie s sitting in a close-knit circle around our bottle. I was so proud of those hoes for protecting our investment and not getting lured off by some d-bag in tight jeans and a button-down. So I sit down and continue to pour myself yet another drink. By this time I’m pretty banged up but must keep going. For one, nobody likes a quitter. Two, when I’m out I go hard in the paint like Andrew Bynum. I always tend to pour my own drinks, even though we are paying the waitress to do so. I love my drinks. I make the most gnarly, putrid drinks when I’m wasted. They are usually about 70% Goose, 15% Orenthal James, and 15% Cranbizzle. They look as disgusting as they taste but I love them.
This is the point when the Asian Aussie leans into me and says, “Hey, my Annie really likes you!! Do you like her?” I leaned back like Fat Joe and said, “What!? She hasn’t said a word to me all night. Is that how you Aussie’s do it?” In the back of my mind I was pumped, thinking thank god I don’t have to take down the wee lil one, and now I can do work on Pump-Fake Posh. So lil Asia get up and has Bluff Spice sit down next to me in that awkward 4th grade fashion. Now, in my inebriated state I start making the best conversation I can. We talk about Australia, her family, school, traveling, basically whatever the she wants to hear. Turns out my swag was on because she ended up buying into my game like an A-Rod contract and next thing you know she was rubbing on me and we went directly into cupcake mode.
At around 1:15am everyone knows the club will die down soon, and people are trying to make their final moves. So Mike breaks away from his cake session and we both decide to throw that last blunt in the air. All of a sudden the same s that were mean-mugging me for rolling the blunt wanted to get down on it! So of course we let them rip it, I mean why not right? I forgot to throw out the O.G. Kush warning before they all took a puff. Mike and I burned the whole thing down to our , then I head to the bathroom and Mike goes for another solo lap trying to grab some digits for another night. We left the three of them sitting there giggling like a group of teenage Japanese tourists. When we both come back a few minutes later we see some dude trying to swoop on our chicks, so I fade into the shadows like Darkwing Duck just to observe and see if they will try to punk us and leave with someone else. To my delight I see Annie turns into him and pukes all over this guys shirt! He hopped up like he was doing the high jump at the Beijing Summer games, and started ing up…serves you right punk. The s rush over to her, while mike and I stand about 10 feet away trying to analyze the situation. Now we realize that this had just completely passed out at our table. !!! I asked her friends what happened, like I didn’t see, and they just said she was sick. Wow they are smart. They insisted that they get her home, honestly…where the else are we gonna take her? So like a gentleman I take the last shot out of the bottle while Mike goes to get the car.
So now Mike is gone and here I am stuck with two and a half drunken s. If it was under any other circumstances I would be on my knees thanking God, however now the bouncer saw the mess and was like, “what the hell happened here?” I politely ensured him that some random guy threw up at the table next to us and then ran away, and that my had just had a long day and was exhausted. Mike calls me to say that he is waiting out back in the whip, so after continually trying to get Annie to wake up, and to no avail I have to grab the bitch up like ‘Weekend at Bernie’s part Me’ and eventually throw her over my shoulder caveman style. She was completely to the world, which made me look like the jack-ass/rapist creep carrying her out of the club. Everyone I passed was like, “that’s how ya get the s huh,” and “Wow that kids got game!” off; I was thinking, if you only knew. I had to walk down two flights of stairs and around an alley, only bumped her head once I might add. The hardest part was loading her into mike’s car; it felt like I was playing the game Operation with a 115 lb sack of potatoes. After she’s in the car we quickly flee the scene fearing that someone would report us for stealing a corpse or something. Not to mention the fact that I am wetter than J.J. Reddick from Duke’s three-point line and Mike is just as buckled as the seatbelt he’s wearing.
We arrive back to the hotel around 230am I had no idea how to get this moving. I tried poking (in a non-creepy way), clapping, loud noises, but nothing worked. So I thought back to my teenage days as a bellman and grabbed a luggage cart where I proceeded to load her up. Boo and I walked this , who was dressed like she needed to get slammed and completely passed out on a luggage cart through the lobby and to the elevators. To add insult there was a group of about 7 airline stewardess getting ready to leave the hotel that stared at me like I was the biggest piece of in the world. Mike stayed in the car with his cupcake where I later learned that he got some knowledge from his breezy while I was doing all the manual labor. He’s getting brains while I am dragging around a corpse…damn. Boo and I managed to get Weight Spice into bed where she partially awoke and was like, “what happened?” I told her to blame it on the Kush, not the alcohol. Just as I am leaving the lil Asian Aussie throws me a wicked pair of -me eyes. I thought to myself, ‘hmmmm I know I will see them again before they leave. Do I take the lil one now, or wait for the hotter one tomorrow?’ I decided to wait. My dick literally punched me for that. For one Annie was way hotter. Two, at my drunken state it would have taken at least 30-40 minutes of solid pump action for me to bust a nut and I knew Mike would not wait that long. Three, Mike had hits in the whip and my high was gone from carrying a drunk chick halfway across L.A.
I politely and respectfully said goodbye to my little niner and Half Spice and walked down to the lobby. Went passed all the airline ladies and gave them the look like, ‘see! I couldn’t have d her and been back this quick!’ Once I saw the car, I called Mike to tell him I was about twenty feet away. Aka the put your dick away call. Ten seconds later his chick hops out and I gave her a look like ‘I have a pretty good idea what you just did’ and she gave me a similar look like, ‘you’ll never guess what I just did.’ Silly hoe’s, you’re never as tricky as you think.
I hopped in the whip, and Mike and I speed off into the early AM, making only one necessary stop, Jack in the Box. 10 taco’s please! Then we proceeded to go back to Alec’s and play NBA09 for about an hour and a half before falling asleep with a tangled mess of fast food wrappers scattered about the floor.
Sure enough we planned to meet these Aussie’s the next day. This time they weren’t allowed any Kush. We even brought one of our scumbag friends named Colin. This kid would sit on any you can think of. Kind of a good guy to have in your contact list. He was there for one reason, and that was to take down the Asian so that I could be free to do work on my little one hit wonder. I needed to get redemption for last night that somehow turned into manual labor.
Once again, Mike and I began the night with getting in the right state of mind. Once we were half-cocked and ready to fire this pimp game on the Aussies we picked up Collin. This guy is your typical wanna-be actor/ type that you will find all over the LA area. He has the pretty boy face and thinks he is the . However….he is just . The only thing he brings to the table is mass quantities of weed, and the look to lure in women. After picking him up, we drove to meet these three ladies and bring them out with us to a club appropriately called, “the two.” When we arrived at their hotel Pass-out Spice gave me a look like she was so sorry for what she had done. She had the look of a third grader who had just their pants in the middle of class. I ensured her that she didn’t need to feel bad and that that kind of thing happens all the time. She began to feel at ease, and loosened up rather quickly. I immediately informed Collin of his task for the night. “Dude, you got to take down the Asian, so that I can smash.” Collin happily agreed. I could have told him to bang the homeless lady on the street corner and he would have agreed as well.
We all piled into the Yukon and headed out for Hollywood, round two. When we arrived we got a table and walked right into the back of the place. Once we were seated, the drinks started flowing and the music was hip-hop so I started getting down in my silly dance form. Mike sat back with his , and Collin punched-in and went to work on the Asian. I showed the lady’s all about the “Stanky leg” dance, and even brought the “Halle Berry” dance out for the night. The night went along smoothly. I had my and she loved me. Mike had his cupcake already in the books, and believe it or not Boo was all over Collin. The night seemed perfect. We crushed the bottle of Goose and were having a blast. When it came time to leave the club around 1:45 we all went out to the parking lot. Annie and I walked out hand in hand; I knew that I had this one locked up. When we got to the car, Collin reached in the back of the passenger seat and pulled out one of the most massive Rasta spliffs that I had ever seen! He must have put at least a quarter of dro into this thing. I couldn’t believe this. He had kept it a secret the whole time. This thing was easily the length of a paper-back book, and had girth like a hot dog. “Damn Son!” Mike and I both said in unison. “Where the hell did you get that?” “I got it from my ,” he whispered, making sure that Boo didn’t hear.
Collin did have a shady side. I have seen this kid live with older women on and off for the past couple years milking them dry before moving on to the next one. He is the male version of a gold-digging woman.
“Well okay than! Fire it up.” I exclaimed. This spliff must have taken the three of us 35 minutes to burn. Meanwhile I ensured that Annie didn’t even get close to it. I was not going to have another night like the last. The three s sat in the car with doors open and listened to music and were having their own good time. This thing had Mike and me floating on cloud 9. I don’t think I had ever been that high since the first time that I ever smoked weed back in high school. I was laughing hysterically, and clowning on any and everything I could see or think of. Mike sat back on the rear bumper of his car with a smile that spoke a million words.
Once the spliff was gone, and we were as well, we set sail for their hotel. Annie was rubbing my shoulders from the back seat while Collin cup caked in the third row with Boo. Amanda sat behind Mike doing who knows what. Mike was in the zone while he was driving. It was funny, almost like watching a 16 year old kid taking the driving test. So focused and so determined. When we reached the hotel, we piled out, and went straight to the room. The ladies had a bottle of Patron in their room which was probably the last thing anyone needed at that point. Just to be silly though we all took a shot. After hastily forcing that down I was more than ready to beat cheeks. The spliff had me set back a little but that Patron put me right into smash mode. Mike was lying on the bed with Amanda, and they were talking softly. Collin was lying on the bed with Boo and they were starting to get pretty cozy. How did I get screwed out of the bed? Oh well, I am a master of making things happen.
I casually strolled into the bathroom, leaving the door open and waited. I was going to give her ten seconds to get my drift. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4. Then she walked in. She came in, locked the door behind her, and wrapped her arms around me and we started making out right there on top of the sink. I was pretty pumped. Her kissing style reminded me of a Turkish chick that I banged while visiting a friend at UCLA back in ’05. She had a mouth like a motor bike, and was trying to set the land speed record for fastest tongue. Annie was f a delicate looking , very proper if you will, she was not very athletic looking by any stretch of the imagination. So when she dropped down to her knees on the all tile floor after only about 1 minute of kissing I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t surprised. Maybe this was her way of paying me back for taking care of her the previous night. I would rank her probably in my top 10 all-time for knob-jobs. #1 still goes out to the in Tulsa, OK, the Bible Beltway, if only I could remember her name I would look her up but it’s a lost cause now. She probably married some square that sits back and gets brains up all day.
Annie slurped my goo bazooka damn near to the point of me placing a spider web all over her face. I didn’t want that to take place so I gave her the tap on the shoulder and told her to hop like a kangaroo into the shower. She took her dress off in one clean motion and turned the water on. I on the other hand had to un-tie my Nike’s, which were still on, and then I wiggled out of my clothes and joined her. She almost went right back down to giving me brains but I to tell her no because I wanted to smash. She acted like a pro and turned around, she arched her back, put her ass out, and wrapped her hands around the shower head then just looked back at me. This was spicier than Tabasco, she was really growing on me, and now I was really growing in her. We beat in the shower for about an hour. I had to pull out and rip off a phantom nut; I watched all my little guys get carried away right down the drain. ‘Bye boys!’ I thought to myself. We mixed it up a few times. I even held her up for a while, which can be very ly without traction. After I finished for the second time, thanks Patron, we washed each other off. It was sweet. She washed me, I even made her get the gooch, and meanwhile I spent basically the whole time just washing her over and over again. We got out and dried off, got dressed and kept looking at each other like we were madly in love. I am really good at that face. I swear I should have been an actor the because of the way I can deceive these s. When we opened the door, we walked out only to find all of the other four sitting on the edge of their beds glaring at us. Wow! Talk about an uneasy moment. The two s looked as if they d my guts, and were so absolutely disgusted with the two of us. Collin looked mad and because he never got to pass second base with Boo. I guess she was just not that kind of . Mike was the only one who looked at me with a grin like he wanted to just die laughing but was trying his best to hold it together until we got in the car. Mike had gone into his car to hook up with Amanda for about 45 minutes and left Collin and Boo the whole bedroom to do work. So it turns out that they basically just sat there and listened to me smash for an hour. Mike told me that Amanda and he walked back in while I was just finishing up. They all heard Annie’s moans and the never-forgettable sound of rough . Boo made sure to let them know that she didn’t want to use the bathroom until it was cleaned and that I was a pig.
So now that I felt weird I could only imagine how Annie felt. We both stood there momentarily with blank looks on our faces. I stepped up to the plate to break the silence and said, “Well, let’s hit the road boys. Annie, you’re beautiful, give me a call. Boo have a great night, I’m sorry about your bathroom. Amanda it’s a pleasure as always. I’m out!” Mike gave Amanda a quick hug and then without saying anything walked straight for the door. I could tell he was about to blow up with laughter. He opened it and went straight to the car, with me following his footsteps. Collin walked out without even saying goodbye. I guess he tried to take their bottle of Patron with him but Boo was all over him. She ed it back, and then slammed the door.
Mike and I dropped off Collin at his cougars spot, and then continued to laugh our way back to Malibu. Mike confirmed the fact he got his custard cannon slurped again in the very seat that I was sitting in. He didn’t need to beat cheeks he said, she gave great knowledge. It was a silly night. I felt like I put on a show for 4 people. Mike was telling all about the dirty things that Boo was saying while I was still in the bathroom doing work. She also had to pee ever since we got back from the club and was furious! Since that day, I keep in touch with all of the s via “the Book,” although some more than others. Annie has come back to the states and stayed in New York again, but she wanted me to fly her out to LA. Yeah, right! Maybe a that is a repeat offender, but never a one-and-done lady. They don’t get any privileges. I will say that I like Australian women though. I plan on making a trip down under one of these days, and after that I will visit Australia as well!
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