The American fantasy. The magazine that ushers countless boys into manhood. The magazine that shapes the lives of so many girls as well. Ever since I was a child I would look at these girls in the magazine and dream of one day meeting one, or better yet going to the playboy mansion and seeing them in all their glory. I’ve always pictured them running around naked, giggling, playing with blow-up beach balls and having the sexiest of having pillow fights. They were the object of my desire for years on end. My high school drama teacher told me that if I kept fantasizing about these women I would ruin the reality of regular women for me, and I’d never be satisfied. I never listened to that nonsense though and just kept the thought in my mind that I would one day reach the pinnacle of pussy and be with a Playmate. I figured that I’m a good looking kid, I’ve got some cheese to throw around, I can party with the best of them, I’m an athlete, and I know how to handle the ladies…so why couldn’t I be the guy to be banging a playmate?
This life –altering event took place during the NBA playoffs of ’09 when Los Angeles was dominating, I remember this because I was visiting a wonderful lady friend of mine who owned an amazing Italian restraint right off of Wilshire Blvd. This place made me feel like I was a gangster in the movie, “Goodfellas,” which has been my dream ever since I first saw the movie and started hustling back in 7th grade. Every time I would go in there, within minutes every employee would walk up and say hi. I would hug the waitresses, one of which was lucky enough to get the hot beef injection, and shoot the shit with the dudes that worked there. Mike and I were always led to the table in the back and were served whatever we wanted on the menu and any drink that we could come up with. It seemed too good to be true, except for the fact that we were very friendly and were great tippers. In return we brought a certain youthful energy to the restaurant that was usually filled with white-collared squares who sat there eating quiet dinners with their square wives. When we came through we tend to bring in beautiful young hoe’s that would have most of the guys staring. We filled the back of the restaurant with a slightly audible laughter that was never too offensive, but just loud enough so that people knew we were having the best time out of anyone there.
The Lady who owned the place, Boss-lady, was by far the coolest women I had ever met. She was in her early fifty’s but didn’t look a day over thirty-five. This lady had been everywhere and done everything. She had one of the best lifestyles you can imagine. She was also one of the biggest stoners you will ever meet, and I’m not hesitating for a second when I say “the biggest stoner you’ll ever meet.” This lady had been burning tuff for about 3 decades. Usually after our salad she would invite us back through the kitchen and into the office where she would pull out either a Rasta-sized joint or simply pack bowl after bowl of the finest Kush available at the local medical shops. So after we’d visited outer space for a few minutes it would be time to wander back to our seat for the main course. I swear we made the whole place stink on our way back in. We sat there high as kites and enjoyed a great meal and also got pretty wasted thanks to the open bar, and experimental drinks that the bartenders would try on us.
One night in particular I was talking to Boss lady about how I was fed-up I was with most of the skanks around LA. She mentioned to me that she had one of her girlfriends coming into town from Dallas that would be staying in Malibu and doing a photo shoot there. Photo shoot I thought; Hmmmm, I liked where this was going. I had never seen any of Boss-lady’s available girlfriends before so I had nothing to draw a conclusion on. However she later mentioned that she was in town for a Playboy shoot. Ding, ding, ding…Yahtzee!!! She had my full attention. I felt more excited than I was when it was Hockey day in P.E. class. She explained to me that she was a Playmate from 3 years past and a nice Italian girl, who was very attractive and loved to party. She told me her name which I intuitively committed to memory. After dinner, when we were burning Kush in the back office, I hopped on the computer and Googled the shit out of her. Pictures, biography, videos, basically everything I could get. OMG, she wasn’t lying, this girl had bigger bombs than Suddam Hussein! If her chest had a hometown it would be KNOCKSville, Tennessee! I thought to myself, damnit John, this is something that you have to act on. It has been a dream of mine since the beginning of puberty, and if I let this pass, I would be letting down men all over the world. Casually I told Boss-lady that I would probably have time to take her out and show her around while she was in town. She agreed and had a matchmaker type of satisfaction. She sent Bunny a text message stating that she had a hockey player friend who was good looking and would be in Malibu at the same time as her and would be able to take her out. Patiently I waited, and within minutes she got a message back from Bunny saying that she loved hockey players and was thrilled to have someone to hang out with. Fuckin rights!! Mike lived in Malibu which was nice so it looked like I would be posted at his place for a few days.
When the glorious day finally came, not that I was counting the minutes or anything (5,760), Boss-lady informed me that Bunny was finally here. She had a photo-shoot to do during the day and that she wanted to want to meet up for happy hour or grab a bite somewhere in Malibu. She asked me if it was okay if she gave Bunny my phone number. Really?! Really?! Of course it’s ok, use your fuckin’ head. Mike and I sat around his place that day in Malibu playing Ping-Pong, burning trees, and relaxing by the pool. I must have checked my phone every 5 minutes. Finally at about 3:30pm I got a text. It read, “Hey John, this is Bunny, Boss-lady gave me your number and said you would like to meet up for a drink, are you around?” Am I around I thought? Damn girl, I have been around like a circle for four days waiting for this text! I responded in the smoothest way that I could. I never in my life felt nervous about text messaging a girl, but this was a Playmate. It took me three drafts before I could settle on one that I deemed appropriate. I began telling her that I was busy all day coaching kids, helping my parents, and working out, but I had just finished. I said that I canceled my charity work for the night and would love to meet up.
We decided that we would meet at Duke’s. This is a decent locals spot in Malibu right off of PCH. It wasn’t too fancy and had great food. It usually housed a bunch of Pepperdine College students who were barely 21 but I knew that they would be playing the Lakers game on TV which was at this stage in the playoffs was a necessity to me. I got their early with Mike, who is as much of a wingman as there could possibly be. We threw a couple of Long-islands back, which are the go-to drink whenever we are looking to get the night started correctly or simply can’t make up our mind when the waitress is there. So as we sat there we, well at least I had to brush off all the little Pepperdine hoes that always tend to flock. Especially around Mike. I guess none of these preppy white girls has ever seen a seven foot basketball player before because they go crazy for Mike. “Where do you play basketball? How tall are you? Do you know Kobe?” Standard Operating Procedure for Mike. You just got to get used to it. These bitches are always getting moist for him like they are straight out of a Pampers commercial. We joke with him that he should get sponsored by Victoria’s Secret because he ruins so many panties that ladies always have to go to the mall to re-stock.
Finally she sends me a message saying that she is five minutes away. I didn’t know weather I should run out back and rip off a hundred push-ups, go slick my hair, brush my teeth, and spray some cologne on or what. Damn! I should have planned for this better. Minutes later she messages me that she is in the lobby and looking for me. I gathered up all my courage and Mike wished me luck. I strut into the front part of the restaurant and I got this smile on my face like it was 1992 and I had just seen all the Christmas presents a week early. Her eyes lit up right away too, that had to be a good sign. I walked right up to her and we both hugged each other like we had met several times before. Giggidy! Now Bunny was wearing a tight fit low-cut teal colored shirt that highlighted her bombs. She also had on White short-shorts. I have a weakness for any pant or short that is white. Call me crazy but the shit looks hot. Bunny was approximately 5’ 8” and maybe 120 lbs. That was perfect because I hate when girls are to skinny, its just tacky. That stick figure look is long gone. She had long brunette hair and even longer beautifully tanned legs. She had cheeks on her as well, not quite the ones you could rest a drink on, but definitely cheeks. She had a mesmerizing smile that, in turn, made me smile every time she flashed it. Her skin was soft as silk, and her teeth pearly white. Her chest was amazing; it looked like God himself decided to throw some D’s on it. Without a doubt the biggest of my career…to date. Now I don’t want to sound like too much of a cupcake but she was legit! Especially since the last broad I took down was in the six or seven range.
I walked her back through the restaurant toward the bar with my head held high as ever and I had that silly smile that would not go away. She grabbed my hand as we were navigating through people. I felt like the king of Malibu, or at least Duke’s for that matter. We got back to our table. While I was only gone for about two minutes, Mike had managed to have two girls sitting at our six person table. Atta boy, it usually never takes him long at all. Especially if he’s sitting by himself. I introduced her to Mike, and he introduced us to these two random breezy’s he wrangled. Now as we sat there I was trying my best to keep her entertained. I asked every single question that I thought would sound good. I gave her all the usual lines but put a little more effort and charisma into them this time. Turns out that Bunny and I had the same birthday! Wow, she had to be the first person I’ve met in my entire life with a June 21st birthday. We bonded over that and a lot of other subtle common interests. Even if they weren’t common I made it seem that way. I laid my game down so thick on her that I even impressed myself. We watched the tail-end of the Lakers game and had a few cocktails. I also noticed about half the guys in the place were staring at her. That’s one way to know you got a dime piece on your hands. Mike even sent me some under the table text messages saying that she was certifiable, and that if I didn’t….he would!
After the Lakers won, we sat around for about twenty minutes and then collectively decided it was time to bail. I was praying that this would not be the end of it. She looked way to good pull a catch and release maneuver, so I asked her what her plans for the night were. Bunny responded to me by saying, “well, all I have to do is be ready for my shoot tomorrow morning.” I was beginning to think that I was in there like swimwear. So I told her that I had a few bottles of Champagne back at Mike’s place and asked her if she wanted to come over. He only lived about three miles away. Champagne and weed is the key to my heart for any of the lady’s out there that may be reading this. She gladly accepted. We went out to the Valet, and asked for the beast machine. When it arrived she hopped in back, its good to know that even a high class hoe knows her role. We drove back to Mike’s making friendly and humorous conversation the whole way back. When asked what her favorite kind of music was she replied with Mater P. Holy Fuck!! This girl just went up another page in my book, and I only have a couple pages in my book!
Once we got back to Mike’s place there was about 5 of us in total. Mike had invited the other broads back to the spot and rarely do I see them turn down the offer. We all sat around in his living room and popped a bottle of Moet. Then another, then another, then another, then another. After our fifth bottle of Champagne Mike and I found it was time to see if she passed the doe-doe test. We both took a bong rip, and politely asked her if she wanted to puff. She was slightly hesitant at first but later realized that we are just two goofy guys (with mad swagger) that like to have fun and crack a lot of jokes. By this time she was sitting on my lap and putting her arms around me in ways that almost made me get swollen, and I’m not talking about lifting weights either. She did the typical girly routine for bong rips where she says, “You start it and I will finish it.” Fair enough I figured. She took the rip and did that cute little cough that I find amusing for rookie puffers. After that she laid back in my arms and started telling us some of her silly Playboy stories. She seemed like a really cool and down to Earth chick. A woman that I could actually see myself romancing with for a while. We decided to pop our final bottle of Champagne. Number six was in the books!
After that Mike was doing his thing with the other two breezy’s so Bunny and I decided to go downstairs to the kitchen to grab something else to drink. Keep in mind that I never get buckled when I drink champagne. I just get super silly and flirtatious on these hoes, and when you mix weed into the equation it’s like I’m serving up 100% all natural Juicey Juice for their panties. I have an uncanny ability to find what they want to hear and flood their ears with it. Once we were in the kitchen I opened the refrigerator and asked if I could grab her a bottle of water or if there was anything that she wanted. I will never forget this; she responded with, “I want you!” I shut the door and immediately turned around to see her sitting on the edge of the kitchen counter with her arms out. I took two steps over and snuggled myself right between her legs and we started making out. She was a great kisser, not like some girls I have experienced. And within 30 seconds she reached right for Lil John and I thought, “OKAY!! Am I really going to smash her right here in the kitchen? Sweet!” Considering I have banged in a lot of weird places in the past 4 months that Mike and I have been on a party streak. Mel’s Diner parking lot, the middle of a crowded street with my hazards on, countless bathrooms, hotel rooftops, closets, alleyways, pools, you name it…I’ve probably beat cheeks there. We ended up just making out in the kitchen for about five minutes before we heard people moving around upstairs like they were heading down. So we broke apart, and looked at each other like we wanted to rip our clothes off and fuck one another’s brains out. At that instant Mike and his two hoes came down, and I call them hoes because I don’t know their names individually. We all decided that the night was basically a wrap. I went upstairs to grab my hoodie, and Mike came bounding up the stairs like Shaq running the forty yard dash. “Are you gonna smash?” he asked. “I don’t know man, she has to be back at her hotel tonight and has shit to do in the morning.” I responded. “Well figure it out! My chicks are whack, I’m gonna call up one of my go-to’s.” He said. I laughed. Mike always has a back-up plan for getting box. If it comes down to it, I’ve seen this kid drive half-way across L.A. at four in the morning just to burry some broad and then leave and come back home. You can’t hate on the man, he just has not realized that half the male population has discovered YouPorn and will just crank one out under those circumstances. But I agree I would much rather get box than crank one any day of the week.
Now we were all standing outside, Mike was saying goodbye to his hoes and I was quietly cup caking with my playmate. A little kiss here, a little one there, and I couldn’t wait to get at her in some place private. My car was back at my friend Alec’s place in Brentwood, so I basically was waiting on Mike so he could give us a ride to her hotel which was right on PCH by the pier. I wasn’t sure weather or not she would be inviting me up for the night so as we hopped in the Yukon so I was thinking that I might even have to drive home with a full sack of blue balls. Once we got to her place she asked me to walk her up to her room, there was no way I was gonna say no. I told Mike to give me a minute and he responded with a look like, ‘dude I don’t want to be waiting here for hours while you beat’. I told him to give me just a couple minutes and then I would let him know. So he hopped on his Sidekick phone and started lining up his own flavor of tuna for the evening.
I walked her through the lobby of her hotel, where the front desk guy looked distraught; because you know he was waiting to flirt with her when she came back. He looked at me like I stole his lady, I got a good chuckle out of that. We got to her door and I thought that this was either make it or break it time. She opened the door and I walked in behind her, she set her purse down then turned around and leaped on me like I was a one of those Velcro walls that you stick to at the county fair. After struggling to keep my balance and playing it off cool we went at it hard. I threw her down on the bed and was finally fulfilling my life long dream. I kept giggling to myself in my head, because I was thinking about how long I had been waiting for this and even though it wasn’t Jenny McCarthy circa 1996, I still wished someone would be in the room taking pictures of this momentous event. I was trying to do everything right. Trying to touch all the spots, replaying Lil Kim’s lyrics in my head about how a bad girl likes it. Just as I took off her shirt I realized that I had unleashed T.M.D.’s. Titties of Mass Destruction. It was like two Spalding basketballs were wrapped in her bra. Holy Fuck, I thought. Those things needed there own zip code. I couldn’t believe that they were actually real! I was all over the map, I couldn’t figure out where to start. We were starting to get really heavy and then I heard that gay ass AT&T ring coming from my pocket. I tried to ignore it, but then it rang again. I had completely forgotten that Mike was still waiting outside; he called twice in a row so on the third I reluctantly forced myself to break away and answered the call. He said, “Yo man!! You beating or what?” I didn’t know how to respond to him because she was staring right at me unsnapping her little white pants while keeping one hand on my belt. “uhhh….uhhh, naw man. Just gimme a minute.” I knew that wasn’t the case but she hadn’t given me the full green light yet. “Dude, Ima leave you if you’re not down here in 5 minutes. Let me know what’s up,” Mike said. “Alright man, I’ll call ya right back.” I knew that didn’t make sense. So I laid back down on her like a lion on his kill. I asked her what the plan was. I told her that Mike was about to leave and that I had to go with him unless I was going to spend the night with her and take her to heaven on Earth. Right down to the chase. She gave me this look like the fate of the free world depended on banging me, something that had to be done, but then spat out, “I don’t know if we should do this right away. I’m trying to be an independent women and I also really like you.” God damnit! Why do women always have to like me so much that they insist on not wanting to bang right away? Shouldn’t it be the opposite? I mean if I like a girl, I mean REALLY like a girl I am ready to eat vagina like Pac-Man within the first five minutes of meeting her. Is it my amazingly handsome looks? My sweet boyish charm? My unbelievable make-out skills? My small town boy appearance? My creative mix of educated humor and raw athletic prowess? Who knows? The list could go on for pages. Hoes just don’t want to fuck me, they want to love me. That is what has ruined it for so many women in my past.
When presented with this decision, I could see that she was pondering it over very hard in her head. Whenever a lady is actually at that point of half-undressed contemplation I have one solution. Eat box. While I could tell that she was weighing things out, I slowly started kissing down her neck to her chest, worked the stomach, then I stalled out like a $4500 clunker on her hips for a while. I made sure to hit every square centimeter of her torso. I made sure not to go all the way down to the Gina yet, because she had an important decision to make and I couldn’t cloud her judgment. Once I had officially started on this process, it is basically like clockwork. You could set your watch to the amount of time that it takes a girl to go from uncertain to absolutely certain. She pulled me back up to her violently and rolled on top of me. She was now trying to play the aggressive girl role. She threw my hands back and said, “You’re staying with me!” Woo hoo!! I thought, as the Rocky theme music blared in my head. She then started pulling my T-shirt off, almost tearing the thing in to shreds. C’mon now girl, it’s not a Hanes, and I don’t get these Nike’s for free! Be easy. I had to give her my best Heisman pose while I reached into my pocket to grab my phone and tell Mike to leave. Not most people know the feeling, but it is very awkward when talking to your best friend while a girl is going down on you. She had unbuttoned my pants and unleashed John’s Legend. I was telling Mike to holler at me in the morning and I was sorry for making him wait. He then sped off into the evening where I later learned that he would end up comfortably in his own bed with a lovely lil model girl that would drive an hour just to see him and then be out before noon the next day.
Back to me, I decided that if I am going to do a Playmate I must do it right! This could open up a lot of doors for me; Mansion party’s, more playmates, and Hollywood events that have you surrounded by so many hoes that you start feeling like a broken piggy bank, where all you see is dimes This love session was not only for pleasure and self-gratification, but this was business. I had to do perfect so that I would be spoken of highly around the Playboy Bunny world and could possibly be the savior to all my friends who still have not given up on the dream. We had a steamy dry-humping session for about twenty minutes where I got to bask in all of her breasts glory. After that I knew it was time to make my impression felt, I had one option. I had to eat her box like it was my last supper. I had to make her shake like a jack-hammer on my face. This was go time. This is what I have been training for since I was a kid. I went down on her with passionate fury. Making her wiggle and scream all over the bed. I like to consider this one of my specialties. If she were a bull-riding Cowgirl, my face would be her saddle. I continued to strain my jaw muscles for approximately two orgasms. After that I was starting to get lock jaw, and could barely breathe. I pulled my head out of her legs and took a long breath of fresh air. “Whew!” I said. Sweat dripping all down my face, or at least I hoped it was sweat. She grabbed me by the waist and threw me right into her. I continued to get the little kid smile while I was carefully pumping away. I couldn’t tell how this Bunny liked it. She wasn’t necessarily like banging a dead fish but she definitely wasn’t barking out orders or letting me know what she liked. There was just a few “oohs and ahhs.” Nothing that I would ever really brag about. I was somewhat disappointed because all these years I just pictured Playboy girls being absolute freaks in bed, the kind that leave you scared at the end of the night Kristina Marie don’t think I forgot about you girl!
The depressing part is that I put on a solid performance when I was whispering to her vagina, but when it came to giving her the Friday Night Smack Down I failed. I let myself down. It reminded me of the movie, “Along Came Polly,” when Ben Stiller is smashing Jen Anniston. I was trying so hard to last longer and I was even counting in my head! To no avail. I blew my load like a kid getting his first hand job. Damn, I was so ashamed. I could see the Playboy mansion fading away in my dreams. I rolled over and went into cupcake mode to try and salvage anything that was left. I got up and got the towel. I dipped half of it in warm water. I got her a glass of water. Once I lay back down I could feel my eyes getting heavy and tried to fight the impending sleep that naturally follows blowing a He-Man nut and drawing a mini-map of Hawaii on her stomach. It was only a matter of minutes until I would be out. So I gave her a kiss and I laid there cuddling like a chump. Within fifteen minutes we were both out.
We all know that waking up next to someone that you’re not dating has its awkward moments. When you performed like a donkey the night before it can make you feel very uncomfortable. We both oddly awoke at about the same time. I thought about just laying there and playing Possum, but then I reminded myself that this was a Playmate. I had to do something. We held each other for a bit before I got my morning wood. Once she noticed, she flipped around and decided to give me another shot at the title. This time I was bound and determined to try and bend her like Beckham. I immediately went down for some box munching. Don’t get silly and think that I do this for any girl but please believe Playmates are basically America’s version of Princess’ and I had to do it for my country. Plus she looked great on my resume. I made her shake again because I am a Veteran in the vagina licking game. Then I threw her over and proceeded to take her to Pound Town. If you Google it there is actually a city in Virginia, Town of Pound. This time I broke her off proper and I knew that she was more than pleased. I had made up for a lackluster performance the night before. I feel like my neighbor was pleased as well because when after when I walked out on her patio while she was in the shower, the old man looked at me and smiled and gave me the cheers sign. It was kind of creepy but on the other hand I could totally see myself doing that when I get old. We both were showered up and were lying in bed having small talk. Her shoot was postponed, so we decided to take a nice, romantic walk on the beach in Malibu. We walked hand-in-hand from the hotel down the beach for about an hour. We talked about everything from how beautiful it was around Malibu, what her photo shoot was for, how she wanted me to come down to Dallas, to the big “celeb” wedding that she would be in a few weeks from now.
I am really not good at doing this entire cup caking thing, especially after a night of drinking. When we got back from our little walk we went up to the room and she changed into her model clothes. She looked like a legitimate dime piece all over again. I received a text message from Mike, saying that he would be through in about thirty minutes and he was bringing my gym clothes so we could go to the gym. I let her know that I would be leaving soon, trying to dip out on her. She informed me that her Town Car was already waiting downstairs and that she had to leave so I agreed to walk her out. We said our goodbyes, and she was on her way. I was now sitting in the lobby of a great hotel right next to Malibu pier without my wallet and wearing clothes from the previous day. I made small talk with the valet’s for thirty minutes before Mike had finally pulled up. He pulled up, and rolled down his window in perfect timing for the song by Soldier Boy to say, “Kissing you in public, thinking nothing of it.” That was his way of calling me out for cup caking all night. As sure as the sky is blue, he had the spare Vitamin Water and picked up a sandwich for me. What are friends for! He knew exactly what I was thinking. He wanted to know all the details which he got in Hi-Def of course. Then Mike told me all about his girl that he was with. Then, just like ‘Pinky and the Brain’ we said, “well what are we going to do tonight Mikey? The same thing we do every night John, try and take over some box!”
All said and done, I occasionally see Bunny when she is in town. I don’t keep in that good of contact with her though. After I started seeing her on TV I realized that she is just another dumb chick who loves to show her boobs while indoor skydiving, or dances naked while in the hot tub at The Palms hotel in Vegas. She’s one of those women that are fun, but nothing you should keep around. I was able to live out my childhood fantasy of having sex with a Playmate. It wasn’t exactly what I had hoped it would be like but it is now something that I can check off of my list. Next on my childhood list would have to be a Victoria’s Secret model. Not sure how that will happen, but then again, I didn’t have a plan for this one either.
