So, it’s official. The Legend of Fieweger’s Pants has been discovered. Just when I thought I had the perfect way to dish silly stories to my guy friends about stuff that we all do, someone had to slip up and tell the hoes. To all the real homie’s out there, have no fear, I will continue to write and ya’ll will continue to read because I am a Legend and I do have great stories. I do this as a form of release. I do it because I have so many outlandish and amusing stories that I feel the need to write about them. I am not doing it in any way to gross out people or to make them look at me with disdain, simply as a man with a story.
My life has been so influxuated with hoes the past five years of my life that it has literally taken a toll on my productivity and creativity. I spend a solid two hours a day text messaging woman, and probably half of that on the phone with them. I usually end up going on two actual dates a week and then searching for new prospects on the weekends. It is something that used to seem amusing to me and quite fun at the same time. Now, however, it has become an arduous task that requires constant attention and usually leaves me hurting someone all of the time. It’s not that I don’t care for all of these hoes, it’s just that I am addicted to the next best thing. I am constantly searching for a boo that will be better than the previous. In my five years of “throwing down pimp game” I have come to the conclusion that 95% of hoes are all the same. You get to know them and they seem like a perfect woman. They are put together, sexy, smart, and focused. As always though, they change. They put up their front on you at the beginning, and sometimes it lasts a while, but as sure as Gretzky could play behind the net, and as sure as Kobe is wetter than a typhoon, they all let their true colors out. The woman that you have come to like and respect turns out to be just like the rest of them. I hold very high expectations for any girl that I want to date. It seems that I find those expectations in woman but then they find a way to show me that they were all just a front.
I have considered taking a leave of abstinence to clear my head of breezy’s and just focus on my own life and “do me” for a while, however it is easier said than done when you are living in Southern California. I usually end up meeting new hoes every weekend and am always intrigued with them throughout the week. Before the week is over, I am off of them and already focused on another breezy. I used to believe that I was cursed. I came to the understanding that ever since I called off things with my fiancée five years ago I was immune to love. I will find a girl and be really into her. We will cupcake on the phone, meet for dinners, and go out and do couples things, but within time I always back out. I don’t think it’s because I’m afraid of getting hurt, I think it’s because I’m afraid of hurting people. I will be with a girl that I actually like, but cannot keep my eyes from wandering. Given the event that I go out without her, I am on the prowl. It is a shitty but a true realization that I have come to deal with. I usually just stop calling the girl or just reply when I’m drunk or bored.
In order to better myself I have set a goal for the year 2010. I plan on only hooking up with women on the first date. I will never let things get drawn out to the point where I am caught up in hours of meaningless conversation, and countless text messages. I want to simplify my life. Every woman wants something more from me, something that I am not willing to do. I DON’T want a wife, I DON’T want a girlfriend, I just want to do me. I need to find woman that have the same values as me. I am not looking for a group of prostitutes by any means, or “trash cans” as they have been deemed by some but I want a career oriented girl that needs to get her pipes cleaned routinely and can leave it at that. Is that too much too ask?
In the end, I am just looking for a good time. I don’t need drama in my life. “You didn’t call me!” “You never responded!” “We were supposed to go out!” “You’re always with your friends!” “You can’t commit to anything!” Fuck that!! If that is what a breezy wants, than check out EHarmony for all I care. There is that one woman out there for me, and I have yet to find her. Even if I did find her right now, I’d probably push her away, just for the fact that I am not like others. I am comfortable being alone, I am comfortable with myself and am comfortable with the way I live. If you can’t understand…stop trying!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Speidi Chiller Round 2
On the third day of 2010 I was still sitting around, wrapped up in a furry blanket eating microwavable dinners and recovering from my lavish New Years Eve celebration. I went so hard on that night that it literally sucked the life out of me for three days. I received a phone call from the one and only dirty bird in my life, Speidi Chiller. I looked at my phone and chuckled. I usually just set it back down and ignore her calls; however I had felt intrigued and very bored considering I haven’t left the house in a while. I answered the call. We had a few minutes of meaningless uncomfortable chatting before she said that she wanted to hang out tonight. I told her that I was pretty busy but I would see what I could do. Speidi told me that she would be drinking with one of her girlfriends and that they were going to get drunk and wanted to play later. Hmmm, interesting I thought. I went back to watching TV and playing video games, but Speidi continued to linger in my head like a fart in a car for a couple hours. Finally I decided that I would lower my moral and physical expectations and give her a shout. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the nasty shit that this girl liked to do, and the fact that I have been with goody-goody girls for the past few months all factored into me deciding to meet up with her.
It was about 7 PM and I peeled myself off the couch and went to the kitchen. I opened the freezer and pulled out the Patron. If I was going to see Speidi I was definitely not going to do it sober. I forced down three shots and then gave her a call. She answered right away and she and her girlfriend were already kind of drunk. They said that they had just left the bar and were back at her place drinking for a little while before they headed back out. I told them that they could stop by my place if they liked. I hoped that this meant that I could bang and then not even have to leave the confines of my own spot. Speidi told me that they would come over in about thirty minutes. I hopped in the shower, made the bed and cleaned up all the sloppiness from the living room. I still had about fifteen minutes to spare so I reverted back to the Patron. 2 more shots down and I was almost to the point where I can deal with annoying stupid bitches. I heard a knock at the door, and I thought, “Well, here we go!” Speidi and her girlfriend walked in. These hoe’s just look like skanks. I wouldn’t say that they are ugly, or even un-attractive, however they have that look to them like they have been around not just the block but the entire state. I popped a bottle of champagne for them while in the meantime I made myself a Patron with a splash of Mountain Dew. I was kind of feeling this situation now. I wasn’t sure if it was because I had just taken five shots in 30 minutes or the ever enticing thought of having a threesome with these two hoe’s. They started getting tipsy and I just sat back and let them do their thing. Speidi and her girl polished off the bottle of champagne in usual skank fashion, by pouring themselves tall glasses and then both drinking out of the bottle and snapping pictures of themselves doing it. At approximately 9:30 PM the girls decided they wanted to go back to their place in Manhattan Beach. I agreed, but said that I would rather drive separately. I didn’t want to be stuck over there for any reason.
We drove the 5 miles to her place in Manhattan Beach. It was actually a very nice place, I was impressed. When we got there, I popped another bottle of champagne and then we all just stood around the kitchen and drank. Both of the girls were being very flirty and I could not wait to be like Fred Flintstone and make her Bed-rock. After we were all getting drunk and silly and I thought the threesome would be imminent. Things were going great and we were all flirting heavily with each other. Her friend decides that she is going to ruin the night and says that she had to go. She said she had to work in the morning at 7am. I was heartbroken. Now I was stuck with only banging Spiedi. She left, and then Speidi decided that we should watch a movie. I was completely thrown off by this. Why was Speidi trying to act like a normal girl? Speidi is a stone cold slut, why is she putting on this front? Watch a movie…please! Speidi started ordering On Demand movies. This chick ended up ordering about five movies at $4.95 a piece. We would watch about 10 minutes of them and then she would decide that she didn’t like it and get a new one. Finally as we are laying close together on the couch and she is ever so slightly feeling on my wiener, her phone rings. She answers it and says, “Hey babe!! How was work? What are you up to?” I just sat back and chuckled to myself. She still had a man! What a slut! She answers her man’s phone calls while sitting on the couch and rubbing another man’s D. “Okay baby, well I’ll see you in a little bit, okay? Alright honey I love you! Bye!” Wow, is all I could think to myself. She is a winner. I sat up and said, “Hey, I think I’m going to go. I didn’t know that you had a man, this is kind of weird.”
As I stood up she grabbed me by the wiener. She said, “Yes I do have a man, but we are on the rocks. Anyways, he won’t be home for 30 minutes. Fuck me!” I stared at her in awe. I couldn’t believe what I just heard come out of her mouth, usually cum just goes in! She peeled off my pants in one swift motion, and next thing you know we are making out in the kitchen. I am carrying her around and we are hitting walls until we finally decide that the marble countertop is going to be the spot. I peel her clothes off and we go directly into some gorilla fucking. Just some of the rawest Discovery Channel type shit you can imagine. 10 minutes later I did my best Rand McNally impression and drew a map of the Hawaiian Islands on her belly, she then got up threw me a towel and wiped herself off. Speidi then told me, “Okay now you gotta go! Go! Seriously, you have got to get out of here…Hurry!” I was amazed. I laughed while I was buttoning up my jeans and fastening my belt. I didn’t argue with her at all, that is basically all she is worth to me anyways. I have never had a woman say that to me before, or better yet I have never been in a situation where I was banging a chick 20 minutes before her man came home either. “Okay, I’m going!” I told her. “Have fun with your man!” I exclaimed on my way out the door. I walked out to my whip and pulled out of the driveway. I laughed hysterically the whole way back. I stopped at McDonalds and got a number nine meal before returning home and calling friends to let them know what happened. They were all just as amused as I was.
Once again Speidi Chiller never ceases to amaze me, or my readers. She is truly a very unique girl. I commend her for being a free spirit and doing what she pleases, however I do feel terrible for her man. He needs to be told what’s going on, but you definitely count on me NOT being the one to tell him! I’m not sure what lies ahead for the Chiller, but I am pretty sure that I will go digging in her guts like a gardener at least one more time. She is always around, and I will probably hit her up sometime when I get drunk.
It was about 7 PM and I peeled myself off the couch and went to the kitchen. I opened the freezer and pulled out the Patron. If I was going to see Speidi I was definitely not going to do it sober. I forced down three shots and then gave her a call. She answered right away and she and her girlfriend were already kind of drunk. They said that they had just left the bar and were back at her place drinking for a little while before they headed back out. I told them that they could stop by my place if they liked. I hoped that this meant that I could bang and then not even have to leave the confines of my own spot. Speidi told me that they would come over in about thirty minutes. I hopped in the shower, made the bed and cleaned up all the sloppiness from the living room. I still had about fifteen minutes to spare so I reverted back to the Patron. 2 more shots down and I was almost to the point where I can deal with annoying stupid bitches. I heard a knock at the door, and I thought, “Well, here we go!” Speidi and her girlfriend walked in. These hoe’s just look like skanks. I wouldn’t say that they are ugly, or even un-attractive, however they have that look to them like they have been around not just the block but the entire state. I popped a bottle of champagne for them while in the meantime I made myself a Patron with a splash of Mountain Dew. I was kind of feeling this situation now. I wasn’t sure if it was because I had just taken five shots in 30 minutes or the ever enticing thought of having a threesome with these two hoe’s. They started getting tipsy and I just sat back and let them do their thing. Speidi and her girl polished off the bottle of champagne in usual skank fashion, by pouring themselves tall glasses and then both drinking out of the bottle and snapping pictures of themselves doing it. At approximately 9:30 PM the girls decided they wanted to go back to their place in Manhattan Beach. I agreed, but said that I would rather drive separately. I didn’t want to be stuck over there for any reason.
We drove the 5 miles to her place in Manhattan Beach. It was actually a very nice place, I was impressed. When we got there, I popped another bottle of champagne and then we all just stood around the kitchen and drank. Both of the girls were being very flirty and I could not wait to be like Fred Flintstone and make her Bed-rock. After we were all getting drunk and silly and I thought the threesome would be imminent. Things were going great and we were all flirting heavily with each other. Her friend decides that she is going to ruin the night and says that she had to go. She said she had to work in the morning at 7am. I was heartbroken. Now I was stuck with only banging Spiedi. She left, and then Speidi decided that we should watch a movie. I was completely thrown off by this. Why was Speidi trying to act like a normal girl? Speidi is a stone cold slut, why is she putting on this front? Watch a movie…please! Speidi started ordering On Demand movies. This chick ended up ordering about five movies at $4.95 a piece. We would watch about 10 minutes of them and then she would decide that she didn’t like it and get a new one. Finally as we are laying close together on the couch and she is ever so slightly feeling on my wiener, her phone rings. She answers it and says, “Hey babe!! How was work? What are you up to?” I just sat back and chuckled to myself. She still had a man! What a slut! She answers her man’s phone calls while sitting on the couch and rubbing another man’s D. “Okay baby, well I’ll see you in a little bit, okay? Alright honey I love you! Bye!” Wow, is all I could think to myself. She is a winner. I sat up and said, “Hey, I think I’m going to go. I didn’t know that you had a man, this is kind of weird.”
As I stood up she grabbed me by the wiener. She said, “Yes I do have a man, but we are on the rocks. Anyways, he won’t be home for 30 minutes. Fuck me!” I stared at her in awe. I couldn’t believe what I just heard come out of her mouth, usually cum just goes in! She peeled off my pants in one swift motion, and next thing you know we are making out in the kitchen. I am carrying her around and we are hitting walls until we finally decide that the marble countertop is going to be the spot. I peel her clothes off and we go directly into some gorilla fucking. Just some of the rawest Discovery Channel type shit you can imagine. 10 minutes later I did my best Rand McNally impression and drew a map of the Hawaiian Islands on her belly, she then got up threw me a towel and wiped herself off. Speidi then told me, “Okay now you gotta go! Go! Seriously, you have got to get out of here…Hurry!” I was amazed. I laughed while I was buttoning up my jeans and fastening my belt. I didn’t argue with her at all, that is basically all she is worth to me anyways. I have never had a woman say that to me before, or better yet I have never been in a situation where I was banging a chick 20 minutes before her man came home either. “Okay, I’m going!” I told her. “Have fun with your man!” I exclaimed on my way out the door. I walked out to my whip and pulled out of the driveway. I laughed hysterically the whole way back. I stopped at McDonalds and got a number nine meal before returning home and calling friends to let them know what happened. They were all just as amused as I was.
Once again Speidi Chiller never ceases to amaze me, or my readers. She is truly a very unique girl. I commend her for being a free spirit and doing what she pleases, however I do feel terrible for her man. He needs to be told what’s going on, but you definitely count on me NOT being the one to tell him! I’m not sure what lies ahead for the Chiller, but I am pretty sure that I will go digging in her guts like a gardener at least one more time. She is always around, and I will probably hit her up sometime when I get drunk.
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