Rando

It was just another slow night by the beach. I had just finished everything that I had to do for the day and was winding down. I made myself Asian stir-fry and was quietly drifting off with a meaningless college football game in the background. Granted it was only 7pm I was still pretty tired from the day. As I was on the verge of completely falling asleep my phone rang abruptly. I had forgotten to turn it to vibrate. It was Mike. He was calling to see what was up and asked if I wanted to watch the Laker game with him and his chick somewhere. I reluctantly agreed. It took me a few minutes to pull myself from the nest that I had created on the couch, which had Gatorades, doedoe, Nilla Wafers, and Nyquil all within arms reach. I changed my clothes and hopped in my car and proceeded to Redondo Beach. It took me only five minutes to get there so I stopped and picked up a bottle of champagne on the way. I had no idea what this night would turn out to be.
I walked into Mike’s place to find him and his chick both cutting and trimming their nails in unison. It seemed kind of silly to me, like they were having a Mani Pedi party. I brought in the bottle and we popped it right away. We sat around talking for a while, just basically shooting the shit. Within 10 minutes the bottle of Champagne was gone and all it did was make me want to drink even more. I think Mike was on the same swag level as me because just as I was thinking of going to the store to grab a little something he stood up and opened the freezer and pulled out a big bottle of vodka. Mike and I both started pouring ourselves about 60-40 mixes of vodka and Tampico, the Mexican version of orange juice. Within an hour of me getting to Mike’s the bottle is halfway gone and we are preparing to leave. We walk outside and his chick pulls up the whip. She forgot her purse inside so we both agree to get it. When we get inside I grab the purse and start walking out. I was almost to the door before Mike grabbed me and said, “Hold up. Let’s take a shot or two first. She’ll wait” I couldn’t agree with the kid more. Mike and had basically killed a big-ass bottle of vodka in about an hour and twenty minutes. Did I mention that I was perfectly content to fall asleep only two hours ago? Funny how drastically your night can change in a matter of an hour.
Now we are in his chick’s car. It is a 650 BMW, so I obviously had to sit in the back like a cholo. We put the top down so that I could even get in the back seat. Imagine driving next to a 2 seater that has a 7 footer in the front seat and a 6’ 6” guy wedged like a tampon in a box in the backseat with a lil chick driving. Just a silly sight. We pulled up to this place called “Shark Cave” in Manhattan Beach. We heard that it would have the best coverage of the Laker game and the hockey games. We had meant to get food, however the waitress informed us of a drink special that they had and even brought us each out a sampler. It was a “180 bomb.” We ended up putting down about 4 of those as fast as she could bring them out. I had officially become drunk. I stood up to go to the bathroom and while I was waiting outside in line I guess I just completely passed out. Everyone there said that my eyes rolled into the back of my head and I just fell over. That kind of shit has never happened to me before in my life. It was actually kind of scary. Suddenly I was awoken to EMS and paramedics hooking up patches to my chest. What the Fuck? I told them that I was fine and had just had a long day. I swear to god I have no idea how all this happened. They insisted that I was on drugs or something but I don’t mess with that shit so they let me go. What a weird turn of events. I guess it was just all that alcohol hitting me at once with a Mike Tyson-esque K.O.
We left the bar and decided that since I was fine we would go to a different bar and just hang out for a while. We arrived back at Hermosa pier and it was kind of crowded for a mid-week night. Our usual place was pretty empty but we went in anyways. We had a drink and I began to feel legendary again. Seriously I wish I could explain what had happened earlier. After about thirty minutes there we decided that we would go next door to a bar that I despise. We walked in and one of the bartenders knew Mike from a previous incident and decided to get us all shots. Just like Kobe doing a turnaround jumper, you could guarantee that I was in. We ended up doing a few of those, and next thing you know I’m doing the “stanky legg,” dance and grinding on some breezy that I don’t even know in the middle of the floor. We all hung out for a little while before we decided it was time to bounce. I didn’t even invite this chick back but now I realize in my nearly blacked out state that she is riding in the backseat with me and we are going back to Mike’s spot. I don’t even know her name!
Once back at Mike’s spot we all hang out for a bit, before he and his chick get into an argument about something. All of a sudden voices are being raised and names are being called so I ask the girl if she wants to go outside for a while. We stood outside for a few minutes contemplating what are next move would be. She wanted to go to her place which was close by but I was not going to drive anywhere. As I am debating this I get a tongue slammed down my throat. Touché young hoe, touché. We make out for a little bit before I decide that this needs to be taken somewhere. My car was parked in the front spot of the Condominium’s complex right next to the walking path. That didn’t stop me from thinking that this would be a great spot to beat cheeks.
As gentlemanly as possible I had her wait for a minute while I moved both of the front seats as far forward as possible. I went from the passenger side then walked all the way around to the driver side, smiling and making small talk in the process. Then I opened the door for her, let her in. I walked to my side and started the car halfway and put on the new Lil Wayne mix tape, No Ceilings. Such a romantic. We proceeded to get buck-nasty like a couple of animals on the Discovery Channel. It was difficult to do work with my lanky-ass all hunched over and dripping sweat like I was in a sauna. We did make it through most of the traditional positions in the back however. When we finished up the windows were completely fogged up and I had a pile of nut in my backseat, wasn’t happy about that. So while we were putting our clothes back on she asked for her shirt and I, “Accidentally” wiped up my pile of goo on the back of her shirt. I think I actually made the shirt look better! It looked like a tie-dye shirt. I deserve a design award.
We were all dressed, and then she asked me if I could give her a lift home. I definitely was done looking at this breezy so I obliged. I hopped into the front seat and turned the keys to the car. “ch…ch…ch…ch…ch…ch.” once again, “ch…ch…ch...ch...ch...ch.” Fucking car had died from leaving Weezy on while we beat cheeks for over an hour! So I thought quickly. I could just get her out of the car and run all the way home without saying anything accept, “Peace Biyotch!” I considered that accept, she would probably do something to my car, and it was like 40 blocks. So she called a cab and they said it would be 40 minutes. Really? Forty minutes at 2am in the morning, what the hell are they doing? Rando informed me that she had food at her place and it was literally 5 blocks away. I agreed to walk with her because I couldn’t drive and you know how a kid’s got to eat after smashing cheeks. We walked it out and finally got to her place. It was a decent spot, still though I could drive past it a hundred times and not be able to tell you which one it was. I was still pretty smashed. We got there and fooled around for a bit. I did have liquor dick however and my shit was like a wet spaghetti noodle. It could have also been all the University of Michigan stuff that she had all over her room. Being a Notre Dame guy it bugged the shit out of me and made it hard to concentrate. I eventually passed out with her trying to cuddle all up on my shit. I rolled over and made her like a barnacle on the back of a whale.
I awoke to Rando’s face about two inches from mine. “Hey. Hey, good morning sweetie. I got to go to work in a few minutes.” I literally looked at her like a complete stranger. I had no idea where I was or how I’d gotten there. I stood up and put my clothes on, and then it all started coming back to me. I gave her a kiss and got her phone number and then split. I walked for about three blocks before I found a main road that I recognized and trucked all the way back to Mikes place. I felt like such a douche walking on the sidewalk at 8am in clothes that were all wrinkled from last night holding a phone charger. Anyways I made it back to my car, the bitch started right up and I drove home and slept till about 430pm.
Only a week later Rando began hitting me again. It started off with the occasional text message that I would ignore, but then it crept into getting called like twice a day. I was getting annoyed. On the following Friday night, she must have hit me up like 20 times from the bar. She was obviously drunk and wanted some of that vitamin D that only Legend can give. I was out with a group of friends so I led her on through a series of text messages. Finally when I was good and drunk I gave her a call at 130am. She was more than willing to come over even though she was already sleeping. I got home and began raiding the fridge, and while I was stuffing my face with a turkey sandwich she walked in. “Oh, hey. What’s up?” I said. She walked in and sat down on the couch next to me. I offered her a drink if she wanted one because I had a flock of geese in the freezer. She said no, so I went and pulled out one of the Grey Goose’s and took two shots then said, “Okay, let’s do this!” I’ve never said that to a random chick before in that context but it worked like a charm. We went right into my room and began going at each other. We did all the regulars except I was really drunk and lazy so I just laid there for most of it and let her ride the D-train express. After a while I flipped her around and we went into banging like the animal that she most reminded me of. She was on all fours and I was chiseling away at the interior when I put my hands on her butt cheeks and for some reason I spread them apart. At that moment she totally farted. “Ppppphhhhff.” I couldn’t believe it. I started laughing to myself hysterically. It didn’t even faze her though; she just played right through it. I was still going and laughing at the same time until about ten seconds later when I began getting whiffs of straight doo-doo. This breezy had ripped poo particles in my face! That shit stunk! Wow! I tried to move away from it and even waft it out of my face but the shit was pungent! I had to roll over and let her back on. I was soo disgusted, but couldn’t help but think that it was partly my fault for giving her the quick spread. I went into my happy place and finished up. I then threw a towel at her and rolled over and went to sleep. She woke me in the morning to bang again. I did it, and then walked her to her car. We got there and I gave her a small kiss and said, “Well, see ya later!” I was so over her. I don’t want a girl dropping unauthorized doody-bombs in my bed unless I give you permission.
She called me later that day and left me a voicemail saying, “Hey its me, I have a pretty good feeling you’re not going to call me back, but I just wanted to have some more fun with you. Call me, hope to see ya soon.” I never responded and hope I never see her again. She is annoying, not that hot, decent in bed, farted on me, went to U. of M, and calls to much. Have a nice life chica, and keep a grip on your flatulence.