Toe-to-Toe

Have you ever shown up to work 2 hours late, still drunk, and with a story so good it’s just burning at your brain waiting to get out? Well this has probably happened to thousands of people out there, but mine was legendary. I showed up late for practice, just barely slipping past the coaches into the rookie locker room about 3 minutes before my teammates hit the ice. Everyone stopped, looked at me, then began to burst out laughing. I ignored all of them as I shed my clothes as fast as humanly possible and began putting on my equipment. I was the last guy to get on the ice, within seconds of coach blowing the whistle to let practice commence. I thought I had escaped clean. However, they noticed and made sure I paid the price. All I could do was think about the night before. It was kind of like going to my “happy place” while I was getting the puke skated out of me.
The night began with me posted up on the couch enjoying some ESPN after a long day of training and cooking myself enough hearty meals to last for like four days. I was comfortably submerged in my couch with a couple of muscle relaxers floating away in my stomach when I got a call from my best childhood friend’s mom. Now this lady Lindamay was a great woman. She had gotten a divorce from he husband after her kids graduated high school and left the suburbs of Portland, OR for the mansions in Malibu. There were times when she was a little boisterous and extravagant but this lady was one in a million. She knew all sorts of people and all sorts of people knew her. I love Lindamay like a second mother. So needless to say, when she calls…I answer.
Lindamay told me that I should accompany her to her friend’s birthday party in Hollywood tonight. This was before I knew about certain parts of Hollywood. I assumed it was just one big blob of debauchery. She said it would be loads of fun and that she would pick me up. Needless to say, I was just sitting on the couch without a care in the world. I didn’t have anything else to do except watch countless re-runs of Family Guy, hockey highlights, and maybe snuggle up with a book that wouldn’t ever be finished. So I obliged Lindamay’s request and told her I would be ready by 9pm.
Now Lindamay swooped me right on time. As usual she insisted that I drive her car. I grew quite accustomed to driving that Jag even though I never really liked them in the first place. We pulled up to this place that sounded like “The Alley.” Please remember that I had no idea I was in West Hollywood. Little did I know that this was like the King homosexual butt-party of southern California. I walked into this bar/ night club with Lindamay and we went and met up with a group of guys that had a table on the side of the bar. My first impression was that these guys were all overly nice happy guys. I should have known right there. It took about 10 minutes before I noticed that dudes were kissing and holding hands and playing grab-ass all around me. I reached over and asked Lindamay if this was a gay bar. “Of course it is honey! You didn’t know?” she said. “Uhh, I didn’t know at all. I’ve never been out here!” I responded. Lindamay had failed to mention that her friend was gay and this was just a big gay sausage party. This news took me about 5 minutes of sitting around in nauseated disbelief to digest. I have no problems with gay people. They can do whatever they like. I just don’t want to see gay guys duke it out right in front of me. Once I got over the initial shock of being right square in the middle of the gayest bar in Los Angeles and feeling thrown under the bus by Lindamay I decided that I had to tough this out for at least an hour before Lindamay would want to leave.
So here I sat, feeling like a filet mignon at a homeless shelter. Dudes kept looking at me the same way I’d look at girls when I was coming out of a game. The look that says I would dominate you and have you in love within an hour. Needless to say I was creeped out. Last time I stood up to grab a drink from the bar I got my ass slapped, and I had to walk it off because I knew I was greatly out numbered in the homo-to-Legend ratio. I had Lindamay getting my drinks after that. Now she was busy and I needed a drink. I could not sit there sober. I carefully walked to the bar keeping my cheeks clenched and didn’t make eye contact with anyone. I stood at the bar waiting for a drink. It reminded me of being a Blackman in 1930. They knew I was the straight man so I got the worst treatment. Brutal.
As I was sitting minding my own business, this bombshell Red-haired lady walked up to me. She sits next to me and I say hi, I figured she has got to be a lesbian otherwise why should she be here. She says hi back and instantly throws me a mean set of eyes like she just banged me right there. I was still in kind of a wierded out mood because of my surroundings so I didn’t think too much into it. As that happened, the bartender came to take my order. I ordered a shot of Jaeger and a Crown with a splash of coke. I got my drink and courteously said, “See ya around,” to the bombshell. I sat back down and began to put in work on my drinks and play cell phone games, Facebook, and text people. A minute later she came and sat next to me. It turns out that she was friends with another dude at the party that looked like he could suck a frozen rope dry. No joke. We struck a conversation about how not gay the two of us were, which was very relieving because now, at least someone was on my team.
She told me that one of the reasons she was attracted to me was because I didn’t know who she was. Hmm, this could be a jack-pot. Of course I let her know that I was no slouch either and we hit it off. This lady, who we’ll call, “Jamie”, was a television star. She had been on a very popular show in the mid to late -90’s that rivaled Beverly Hills 90210. Since than she has done lots of modeling and made countless movie and TV appearances. Jamie was in her 30’s and still looked great. She was about 5’ 6” maybe a buck ten. She had long hair that I wouldn’t totally call red, but it was a sexy red if that makes sense. She had decent bombs and great legs. She also seemed like the type of lady that was a champion in the sack. We hit it off immediately. She was there to get drunk and support her gay publicist and now she wanted to get some D. Jamie and I ended up leaving the club to go have a puff in the Jag. We told everyone we would be right back. By then it was a group of 12 dudes and Lindamay having a “gay” old time. I flipped the valet a dub so that I could go burn in the car with Jamie. I was rolling one up when she started rubbing all over me. I barely finished twisting before she grabbed me and tried to drown me in tongue. I pulled back and sparked it up. We sat there and chilled. We talked, made out, and more importantly we made plans for after the club.
I strolled back into the place at ease now because I had a girl on my arm. All these limp-wristers loved her because of the show she was on when they were still hiding. I got in there and told Lindamay that I had an after party that we had to go to. Lindamay is a true wing woman because she knew what was happening and didn’t hesitate for a second. She was there to support me. So we all left the club. Lindamay and I were in the Jag and we were following Jamie and her dude that was with her to Jamie’s place which was in the Hills. We got there and I was instantly impressed. This chick had her shit together. She popped a couple bottles of wine and we all sat around and talked for a while. I knew what was coming so I drank the wine as fast as possible. Within minutes Lindamay and gay dude were striking up conversation and Jamie told me she wanted to give me a tour of the place. The room got silent for a second as everyone looked. You probably could have heard the blood rushing to my Wang. So Jamie and I left the others and she walked through her place with amazing speed. Barely showing me anything until we got to her bedroom. Once I stepped in, the door abruptly slammed shut and was locked. She than very sexily began showing me around her room. She told me to open the door right behind me. I figured it would be a closet, maybe a bathroom. No, it was her costume room! Wow, never have I seen anything like this. This chick had every possible sexy piece of lingerie and outfit that any man could ever want. She then jumped on me, and we started going at it on her bed. Jamie had me stripped down in a matter of 2 minutes. She then looked over at her costume room and asked, “What do you want me to be? Nurse? Maid? What?” I got all tongue tied and froze up, I felt like a pre-pubescent boy looking at his first porn video because. I never had a woman do this before. I had my high-school girlfriend rock slutty lingerie and we tied each other up and shit, but that was a girl and this was clearly an experienced woman. “You look amazing right now, just get over here!” That’s all I could muster out of my mouth as she stood there in just her bra and panties. She thought that I was cute and hopped right on me. We went hard at it. Jamie and I seemed to be on the same page of freaky-ness so needless to say it was wild. After about thirty minutes she got up and walked over to the glass wall leading out to her balcony which overlooked Hollywood. She very nakedly started sliding the whole glass wall back so that we were exposed to the brisk Hollywood evening. She had a nasty receding wall. The way she walked towards me was a scene straight out of a movie. She slowly and seductively walked over to me smiling, licking her lips, and rubbing her naked body. I was on top of the world.
When Jamie got to the foot of the bed she casually started rubbing my feet. I figured that she was going to be a good breezy and give daddy a little massage before he goes back to work on her. The following event was one that amazed me and let me know that is freaky as I ever think I am there are always people that are into more wild shit than I am. Jamie was rubbing my right foot for what seemed to be like 3 minutes. She seemed to be getting juiced up by it too. I figured that she would eventually switch feet or move to the leg so that she could eventually end up massaging up to my crouching tiger. Jamie then hovered over my foot and while keeping in rhythm to the slow jams she had playing and lowered herself on to my big toe. If sex ed. class taught me anything, Jamie was now having intercourse with my big toe. I do have large toes and wear a size 15 shoe, so I can see the allure for a chick…I guess. At the time however, I had only seen this a couple of times before in porno’s and it didn’t even turn me on. So to my amazement, here I am laying naked on a California king bed with an unobstructed view of Hollywood getting my big toe fucked. “How ya like dem apples!” She was literally grinding on my foot. I couldn’t tell whether I liked it or if I was grossed out. I started laughing. It was all I could do. I think that made her grind on me harder! Thank god I clip my toenails regularly, I thought.
I was having the time of my life, and I wasn’t even into foot sex. It felt a little weird, and it definitely wasn’t turning me on but I had to just sit back and appreciate it and have fun with it. Jamie had finished what she needed to do on my foot in about 6 minutes. She then crawled up to me and began educating me with some of the best brains on the West coast. After all that you can only trust that we broke each other off proper until 4am.
I woke up with a pounding headache, and looked to my cell phone. It was 9:15 in the morning! I had practice at 10am on the complete other side of town. I hopped up out of bed. With no swag on, and struggled to grab all my clothes and get dressed as fast as possible. I kissed Jamie on the forehead and bolted for the streets. I remembered that Lindamay had driven, so I had to go and peel her off the couch that she was wrapped up in. I put her in the Jag and then got every last pony out of that Supercharged V8. I went from Beverly Hills to El Segundo in twenty minutes. That is basically unheard off, but the forces above and the horses in the hood made it happen that day. I parked in front and ran into practice at 9:55am.
Jamie was the first semi-popular TV star that I banged. It made me wonder what the rest of them were like. Were they just like athletes? Did they always have an image to keep up in public but 90% of them are completely different when they want to let loose and have fun? That will always be debated. All in all my buddies loved the story. My big toe had a reputation for a long time, and it still does if I am around some of those guys. As for Jamie, I still see her on TV every now and again. She makes appearances on all sorts of major network shows. We lost contact after about 7 months of talking on the phone. I was playing in Florida that next season and she could never leave Hollywood. When I got back we decided to go out on a date To Nobu in Malibu. However, I got really drunk and had a 19 year old bouncing up and down on me all day and night and never called her back. That was the last I heard of her. I wish her the best in all that she does, especially toes. So for my first experience at a gay bar, I’d say I did ok. I only had my ass touched twice, never got too grossed out, and ended up leaving with a very hot (female) TV star. I can deal with that.