John's Pissed

When I first moved to Hermosa Beach I was somewhat jaded. I saw hundreds of beautiful women all day long, but hadn’t figured the way that the beach hoes work. I was more of a preppy city dresser and had not been groomed to the beach lifestyle which is more of board shorts and Rainbow flip-flops. It took me a few weeks of going out locally to see what it took to reel in these beach ladies. I had a small group of friends that I knew from UCLA that had a small place on 22nd street. It was about 8 blocks from the pier. I would usually go out with them on the weekends and take home the occasional swamp donkey. My friend at the time, Jeff, was dating this one girl named Sierra. I thought she was your prototypical California beach girl. She was a dime piece in my piggy bank. They were somewhat on the rocks at the time, so I took that as an opportunity to test the waters.
Sierra and Jeff broke up about a month after I had known her. My other friend Andrew was dating Sierra’s best friend at the time, Rosanne. So this posed a little bit of cleverness for me to be able to sneak my way into Sierra’s life without letting all the boys know that I was too into her. I befriended Rosanne, in an attempt to get with Sierra. It was a very tough situation. Rosanne is a full blown alcoholic party chick that will be extremely loud and abrasive at any hour of the day. This was probably not the best way to approach going out with Sierra but I was still kind of shy and didn’t want to get a bad rap in a new city.
All the boys went back home for one weekend to wine country so I decided this was my chance to jump in some box. I nervously called Sierra and asked if she wanted to do something this weekend. She told me that Rosanne and her would be going out to the pier and just hanging out but that I was more than welcome to join them. So at about 7pm on a Friday night I showed up to Sierra’s place. She was there listening to music with Rosanne and they were obviously having a few glasses of wine and getting in the mood. I felt a little awkward just for the fact that I felt like I was intruding on their girl time a little bit, however once they pulled out the Vodka shots that feeling quickly diminished. We all got a nice little buzz going and then took a round of bong hits. Rosanne was already becoming the loud drunk that has come to be her existence in the South Bay, but I knew that if I could handle getting beat-up by grown men on the ice I could definitely tolerate an annoying little chick.
We all start walking down to the pier and we go directly to a bar at the end of the pier closest to the water. We sit on the stools outside and I order a round of drinks for the ladies. I then proceed to order another. Once again, long Island Iced Teas are my bread-and-butter. The girls get their little fruity drinks. Sierra claims that she knows the bartender, which I later found out is a guy that was trying to date her the whole time. She told me to wait while she and Rosanne went in to work the bartender for some free drinks. While they were in there, I patiently waited outside and winked and smiled at every girl I saw. I ended up talking to one girl who kept grabbing my shirt and pulling me towards her. She saw me with two girls, then approached and asked me what sport I played. I told her chess, and she became offended. What a bitch. She then told me that I played for the Los Angeles Kings. Damn, at least she got the sport right. In my inebriated state I decided to agree with her. This made her way more attracted and she even brought her friend over, which was a guy, and they proceeded to grill me about hockey for about 10 minutes until my ladies came back with my drinks. This chick was still hesitant to leave but when the ladies came over with a tray of long islands and four Jaeger shots they split.
We all said some stupid cheers about friendship or some B.S. like that, the only thing I wanted to cheers to was my dick slipping into Sierra that night. I ended up drinking three of the Jaeger shots and three of the Long Island’s. Not on purpose, but like Ricky Bobby when he’s signing autographs, you’d better not get in the way when I’m in the zone. I will just put those things down until someone tells me otherwise or takes them away. By this time I wouldn’t refer to myself as blacked out but more along the lines of only small candles are burning inside.
Rosanne leaves the bar to go home, and Sierra and I are about to walk three blocks to her place. I was pretty fuckin’ hammered but I had somehow charmed her enough so that she wanted to take me back to her place. As we exited the bar, there was one of those Rick-Shaw types of deals with the guy pedaling his bike and a seat for two attached to the end of the bike. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I hailed him over and pushed Sierra in. She insisted that it wasn’t necessary however I was drunk and hadn’t been on one of these in ages, and although it was only three blocks they were all uphill. So we get in and snuggle up next to each other. This guy must have hated me! I am a slim 235 lbs. and she was about 5’ 8” 125 lbs. By the time we got to the top of the hill dude was sweating his bean bag off! He was exhausted. I couldn’t help but laugh and told him maybe he should drive a cab instead. I got out and reached in my wallet, only to notice that I had spent all my cash at the bar and only had credit and debit cards left! Wow, I am a jackass. So much for being romantic. Sierra stepped in and paid the dude.
We walked up the steps to her place and sat down on her little loveseat. She proceeded to pour us a glass of wine each and then she went to the bathroom. I sat there thinking to myself, “Okay John. You got this. I know I’m wasted, but just keep it cool for a while and you’ll be fine.” Sierra returned, a few minutes later with a small pipe and offered me some weed. That was probably something I shouldn’t have accepted. Obviously I hit the thing like I was trying to inhale the weed past my lungs and all the way down to my feet, not a good idea. I gave it back to her and she ripped it then she turned on the TV and snuggled up next to me. We made small talk, about what I could never tell you because I was officially out cold. “Dead man walking!”
From what I’m told we sat there on her couch for about twenty minutes talking about how we both kind of liked each other. We then started to make out for a few minutes before I ruined the whole evening. The following is what I am told by her; I broke away from our kiss and said that I had to use the restroom. I stood up and took about three steps over towards her desk and computer station. I stood there for a second and then proceeded to whip out my dick and pee all over her Mac laptop, her iPod, her printer, and I even got most of her business files before she leaped up and pushed me out the door. I guess I finished peeing outside and just lay down on her doorstep like a dog that had been put out for shitting on the rug or something. She told me that she spent about an hour cleaning everything and then decided to let me back in the apartment before she fell asleep.
Now, the only thing that I remember is waking up in the morning. I woke up with Marshmallow Fluff all over my face, my t-shirt, and it was on her couch that I was sleeping on. I don’t even like that stuff, and better yet I didn’t even know they still made it! She had it though, and apparently I woke in the early hours of the morning and pulled it out of her cupboard and took down the whole jar. I didn’t know what to do. I thought about just getting up and leaving because I had just ate all her Fluff and it was spilled everywhere. So I sat up and set the jar down and thought about running home, as soon as I did she walked out of her room and came in and sat by me. I told her I would get her cushions dry-cleaned and that I was sorry for messing them up. Then she asked me about last night.
She said that I was lucky she let me back in. I asked her, “Well why did I leave? Where did I go?” She was not impressed with that comment to say the least. I had to sit there with a straight face while she told me all about me pissing on her desk and almost ruining her electronics. I wanted to burst out laughing but I had a pretty good feeling that a slap would ensue. I apologized emphatically and told her that I would buy her a new computer if that was the case. I did feel terrible about doing that, but on the other hand I wanted to go home and tell my buddies the stupid shit that I had done.
Sierra ended up forgiving me rather quickly. I did send her flowers that read, “Sorry for pissing on your computer,” and I made sure that the delivery guy would say that aloud to her. She got a giggle out of that. I guess I am as smooth as a piece of silk sliding down a butter slip-n-slide because I started dating this girl about a month after that and we stayed together for just over a year! Talk about a great way to start a relationship. She was a brutal girlfriend so please believe there will be plenty more stories about her!