Aussie Nights, LA Streets

It was another sunny day as most are in Southern California during the summer time. I was with my great friend Mike and we were doing our normal early off-season activities which included an intense work out around noon for a couple of hours followed up with approximately three to four hours of rips and video games. This night seemed to present a different challenge however. Mike had just informed me that a whom he had “hooked up with” while playing in Dubai the previous season was in town with two of her Australian friends that have never been to America before and they all wanted to go out in Hollywood tonight. Australians? First time in America? Wow, sign me up! This grabbed my attention so much that I actually paused the game and said, “Pull her up on the Book…now!” Seeing as that’s how we decide weather or not a chick is worthy of a face to face meeting nowadays. So he pulled her up and we creeped on her for a while trying to guess and hope which one of her friends they may be. Usually I will take Mike’s word for it because he rarely ever lets me down with his “work.” She looked fine like a mid-range glass of wine, so I agreed to go with him. It was either that or more hits and video games, tough choice.
In order to prepare for the evening we started out by taking a few more hits while drinking a brass monkey, for those who don’t know how high class that is, it is a 40 oz. preferably Mickey’s with a shot of Orange Juice. The Bum’s version of a Mimosa. Then we threw on our pimpin threads and decided we were ready to hit the town. We left Alec’s place, which is our video game safe-haven, and drove to the ’s hotel which was located right next to LAX. Once we arrived we Valet’d the car, which you always do if you know you will be leaving with the or if it’s a first time encounter and you’re looking to impress. Mike and I stroll up to their room where we met everyone. To my delight it was three beautiful s all in their mid 20’s. The first was named Amanda. She had a y but sweet look to her, however I knew Mike would end up smashing her so I didn’t even think twice about it. The others names were, lets just say Annie and Boo. At first glance I looked at Annie and thought of Posh Spice, I refuse to call her Posh Beckham b/c I still can’t believe she’s cakin’ with that little dude. She had the body and the look down solid. She was definitely worth a drink in my book. The other, Boo, was of Asian decent but with a mean Australian accent. It Kind of threw me off at first. She looked like a 5’ 2” pump-fake Kimora Lee-Simmons, but would not stop talking about how tall Mike and I were. I wanted to quote one of my favorite poets Rod Benson and say, “if you can call me tall, than I can call you fat!” However, I didn’t do it, mainly because she was not fat and anything else that I could think to say was inappropriate.
Mike and I brought up a bottle of Jaeger and Grey Goose like any true Los Angeles gentleman would. After 15 minutes of initial small talk and everyone making fun of the others accents we all started to mix up drinks and get loose. Of course I went straight for the Jaeger because I have built up a unique tolerance for it, but at the same time it gets me wasted. I sometimes refer to it as being “007 wasted” because on the inside I’m toasted like a piece of Sourdough at breakfast, but on the outside it appears as if I could save the world from disaster. Collectively the 5 of us put down the bottles in about an hour and a half in their hotel room. The Annie seemed to be the bitch of the group, there’s always one. She was continually leaving the room to talk on her phone in the hallway. So being the great mathematician that I am, I just put two and two together and figured she had a boyfriend and would be a drag on the whole night. I thought to myself, “whatever I guess I’ll just smash the Asian!” Every time Annie would leave to go cupcake in the hallway and the other s would run in the bathroom to change their outfits again or re-do make-up I took it upon myself to rush over and snake some of their take-out dinner. I thought, “if these hoe’s are going to drink our booze, be snooty, and cake with other dudes than their unguarded dinner is fair game.” I usually tend to analyze situations like this in the “eye for an eye” mindset. Just before we left and Annie’s take-out dinner was damn near gonzo, Mike and I decided we would go to the club named, for safety sake we’ll call it “Mi Casa,” everyone knows that when you go there you have to throw at least one in the air. So I began rolling up a blunt, which then lead to me rolling up two. One of my biggest pet peeves is when s give you that look when you’re rolling up weed or smoking weed like you’re a junkie who is or smoking . It’s like “Damn ! It’s just weed, the s legal here anyways. It comes from the Earth, and it’s all natural. Don’t ….Appreciate
So now we are finally ready to go. We embark down the hall looking like some cool cats with these three little breezy’s. I am locked and loaded with a Vitamin Water bottle (XXX of course) full of Jaeger and a splash of soda and two blunts in my sock. As we hit the lobby in full stride I noticed, as I have many times, the Valet dudes will give you the most sour/ spiteful looks when you are doing something that they wish they were doing. Instead they are working…hate, , , ! I hopped in shotgun, of course, and let these three little chickens duke it out to see who’s riding bitch in the back of the Yukon, which is riding clean on 24” Foose’s I might add. So as we are smashing down Sunset bumping the remix to Soldier Boy’s “turn my swag on,” we absolutely blew these chicks mind with our own swagger, which never turns off.
Once we arrive to “mi Casa,” I am pretty in wet, not gonna lie, my “Vitamin Water” is gone and I’m walking with a smile. We walk right up to the front past about 100 rs who all are trying to get in the club with either a group of like eight dudes or four fat s. Mike gets a table and we all go right in. They gave us a table on the patio area, which means that the blunt smoke would flow freely…jackpot! After about an hour in the club of hitting the Goose, dancing like a fool and throwing one in the air, Mike and I did our mandatory solo lap just to see if there was any chance to upgrade from the Aussie’s. There was obviously a few that looked ready like spaghetti but nothing to ditch a group of three out-of-towners for. So we returned only to see all the Aussie s sitting in a close-knit circle around our bottle. I was so proud of those hoes for protecting our investment and not getting lured off by some d-bag in tight jeans and a button-down. So I sit down and continue to pour myself yet another drink. By this time I’m pretty banged up but must keep going. For one, nobody likes a quitter. Two, when I’m out I go hard in the paint like Andrew Bynum. I always tend to pour my own drinks, even though we are paying the waitress to do so. I love my drinks. I make the most gnarly, putrid drinks when I’m wasted. They are usually about 70% Goose, 15% Orenthal James, and 15% Cranbizzle. They look as disgusting as they taste but I love them.
This is the point when the Asian Aussie leans into me and says, “Hey, my Annie really likes you!! Do you like her?” I leaned back like Fat Joe and said, “What!? She hasn’t said a word to me all night. Is that how you Aussie’s do it?” In the back of my mind I was pumped, thinking thank god I don’t have to take down the wee lil one, and now I can do work on Pump-Fake Posh. So lil Asia get up and has Bluff Spice sit down next to me in that awkward 4th grade fashion. Now, in my inebriated state I start making the best conversation I can. We talk about Australia, her family, school, traveling, basically whatever the she wants to hear. Turns out my swag was on because she ended up buying into my game like an A-Rod contract and next thing you know she was rubbing on me and we went directly into cupcake mode.
At around 1:15am everyone knows the club will die down soon, and people are trying to make their final moves. So Mike breaks away from his cake session and we both decide to throw that last blunt in the air. All of a sudden the same s that were mean-mugging me for rolling the blunt wanted to get down on it! So of course we let them rip it, I mean why not right? I forgot to throw out the O.G. Kush warning before they all took a puff. Mike and I burned the whole thing down to our , then I head to the bathroom and Mike goes for another solo lap trying to grab some digits for another night. We left the three of them sitting there giggling like a group of teenage Japanese tourists. When we both come back a few minutes later we see some dude trying to swoop on our chicks, so I fade into the shadows like Darkwing Duck just to observe and see if they will try to punk us and leave with someone else. To my delight I see Annie turns into him and pukes all over this guys shirt! He hopped up like he was doing the high jump at the Beijing Summer games, and started ing up…serves you right punk. The s rush over to her, while mike and I stand about 10 feet away trying to analyze the situation. Now we realize that this had just completely passed out at our table. !!! I asked her friends what happened, like I didn’t see, and they just said she was sick. Wow they are smart. They insisted that they get her home, honestly…where the else are we gonna take her? So like a gentleman I take the last shot out of the bottle while Mike goes to get the car.
So now Mike is gone and here I am stuck with two and a half drunken s. If it was under any other circumstances I would be on my knees thanking God, however now the bouncer saw the mess and was like, “what the hell happened here?” I politely ensured him that some random guy threw up at the table next to us and then ran away, and that my had just had a long day and was exhausted. Mike calls me to say that he is waiting out back in the whip, so after continually trying to get Annie to wake up, and to no avail I have to grab the bitch up like ‘Weekend at Bernie’s part Me’ and eventually throw her over my shoulder caveman style. She was completely to the world, which made me look like the jack-ass/rapist creep carrying her out of the club. Everyone I passed was like, “that’s how ya get the s huh,” and “Wow that kids got game!” off; I was thinking, if you only knew. I had to walk down two flights of stairs and around an alley, only bumped her head once I might add. The hardest part was loading her into mike’s car; it felt like I was playing the game Operation with a 115 lb sack of potatoes. After she’s in the car we quickly flee the scene fearing that someone would report us for stealing a corpse or something. Not to mention the fact that I am wetter than J.J. Reddick from Duke’s three-point line and Mike is just as buckled as the seatbelt he’s wearing.
We arrive back to the hotel around 230am I had no idea how to get this moving. I tried poking (in a non-creepy way), clapping, loud noises, but nothing worked. So I thought back to my teenage days as a bellman and grabbed a luggage cart where I proceeded to load her up. Boo and I walked this , who was dressed like she needed to get slammed and completely passed out on a luggage cart through the lobby and to the elevators. To add insult there was a group of about 7 airline stewardess getting ready to leave the hotel that stared at me like I was the biggest piece of in the world. Mike stayed in the car with his cupcake where I later learned that he got some knowledge from his breezy while I was doing all the manual labor. He’s getting brains while I am dragging around a corpse…damn. Boo and I managed to get Weight Spice into bed where she partially awoke and was like, “what happened?” I told her to blame it on the Kush, not the alcohol. Just as I am leaving the lil Asian Aussie throws me a wicked pair of -me eyes. I thought to myself, ‘hmmmm I know I will see them again before they leave. Do I take the lil one now, or wait for the hotter one tomorrow?’ I decided to wait. My dick literally punched me for that. For one Annie was way hotter. Two, at my drunken state it would have taken at least 30-40 minutes of solid pump action for me to bust a nut and I knew Mike would not wait that long. Three, Mike had hits in the whip and my high was gone from carrying a drunk chick halfway across L.A.
I politely and respectfully said goodbye to my little niner and Half Spice and walked down to the lobby. Went passed all the airline ladies and gave them the look like, ‘see! I couldn’t have d her and been back this quick!’ Once I saw the car, I called Mike to tell him I was about twenty feet away. Aka the put your dick away call. Ten seconds later his chick hops out and I gave her a look like ‘I have a pretty good idea what you just did’ and she gave me a similar look like, ‘you’ll never guess what I just did.’ Silly hoe’s, you’re never as tricky as you think.
I hopped in the whip, and Mike and I speed off into the early AM, making only one necessary stop, Jack in the Box. 10 taco’s please! Then we proceeded to go back to Alec’s and play NBA09 for about an hour and a half before falling asleep with a tangled mess of fast food wrappers scattered about the floor.
Sure enough we planned to meet these Aussie’s the next day. This time they weren’t allowed any Kush. We even brought one of our scumbag friends named Colin. This kid would sit on any you can think of. Kind of a good guy to have in your contact list. He was there for one reason, and that was to take down the Asian so that I could be free to do work on my little one hit wonder. I needed to get redemption for last night that somehow turned into manual labor.
Once again, Mike and I began the night with getting in the right state of mind. Once we were half-cocked and ready to fire this pimp game on the Aussies we picked up Collin. This guy is your typical wanna-be actor/ type that you will find all over the LA area. He has the pretty boy face and thinks he is the . However….he is just . The only thing he brings to the table is mass quantities of weed, and the look to lure in women. After picking him up, we drove to meet these three ladies and bring them out with us to a club appropriately called, “the two.” When we arrived at their hotel Pass-out Spice gave me a look like she was so sorry for what she had done. She had the look of a third grader who had just their pants in the middle of class. I ensured her that she didn’t need to feel bad and that that kind of thing happens all the time. She began to feel at ease, and loosened up rather quickly. I immediately informed Collin of his task for the night. “Dude, you got to take down the Asian, so that I can smash.” Collin happily agreed. I could have told him to bang the homeless lady on the street corner and he would have agreed as well.
We all piled into the Yukon and headed out for Hollywood, round two. When we arrived we got a table and walked right into the back of the place. Once we were seated, the drinks started flowing and the music was hip-hop so I started getting down in my silly dance form. Mike sat back with his , and Collin punched-in and went to work on the Asian. I showed the lady’s all about the “Stanky leg” dance, and even brought the “Halle Berry” dance out for the night. The night went along smoothly. I had my and she loved me. Mike had his cupcake already in the books, and believe it or not Boo was all over Collin. The night seemed perfect. We crushed the bottle of Goose and were having a blast. When it came time to leave the club around 1:45 we all went out to the parking lot. Annie and I walked out hand in hand; I knew that I had this one locked up. When we got to the car, Collin reached in the back of the passenger seat and pulled out one of the most massive Rasta spliffs that I had ever seen! He must have put at least a quarter of dro into this thing. I couldn’t believe this. He had kept it a secret the whole time. This thing was easily the length of a paper-back book, and had girth like a hot dog. “Damn Son!” Mike and I both said in unison. “Where the hell did you get that?” “I got it from my ,” he whispered, making sure that Boo didn’t hear.
Collin did have a shady side. I have seen this kid live with older women on and off for the past couple years milking them dry before moving on to the next one. He is the male version of a gold-digging woman.
“Well okay than! Fire it up.” I exclaimed. This spliff must have taken the three of us 35 minutes to burn. Meanwhile I ensured that Annie didn’t even get close to it. I was not going to have another night like the last. The three s sat in the car with doors open and listened to music and were having their own good time. This thing had Mike and me floating on cloud 9. I don’t think I had ever been that high since the first time that I ever smoked weed back in high school. I was laughing hysterically, and clowning on any and everything I could see or think of. Mike sat back on the rear bumper of his car with a smile that spoke a million words.
Once the spliff was gone, and we were as well, we set sail for their hotel. Annie was rubbing my shoulders from the back seat while Collin cup caked in the third row with Boo. Amanda sat behind Mike doing who knows what. Mike was in the zone while he was driving. It was funny, almost like watching a 16 year old kid taking the driving test. So focused and so determined. When we reached the hotel, we piled out, and went straight to the room. The ladies had a bottle of Patron in their room which was probably the last thing anyone needed at that point. Just to be silly though we all took a shot. After hastily forcing that down I was more than ready to beat cheeks. The spliff had me set back a little but that Patron put me right into smash mode. Mike was lying on the bed with Amanda, and they were talking softly. Collin was lying on the bed with Boo and they were starting to get pretty cozy. How did I get screwed out of the bed? Oh well, I am a master of making things happen.
I casually strolled into the bathroom, leaving the door open and waited. I was going to give her ten seconds to get my drift. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4. Then she walked in. She came in, locked the door behind her, and wrapped her arms around me and we started making out right there on top of the sink. I was pretty pumped. Her kissing style reminded me of a Turkish chick that I banged while visiting a friend at UCLA back in ’05. She had a mouth like a motor bike, and was trying to set the land speed record for fastest tongue. Annie was f a delicate looking , very proper if you will, she was not very athletic looking by any stretch of the imagination. So when she dropped down to her knees on the all tile floor after only about 1 minute of kissing I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t surprised. Maybe this was her way of paying me back for taking care of her the previous night. I would rank her probably in my top 10 all-time for knob-jobs. #1 still goes out to the in Tulsa, OK, the Bible Beltway, if only I could remember her name I would look her up but it’s a lost cause now. She probably married some square that sits back and gets brains up all day.
Annie slurped my goo bazooka damn near to the point of me placing a spider web all over her face. I didn’t want that to take place so I gave her the tap on the shoulder and told her to hop like a kangaroo into the shower. She took her dress off in one clean motion and turned the water on. I on the other hand had to un-tie my Nike’s, which were still on, and then I wiggled out of my clothes and joined her. She almost went right back down to giving me brains but I to tell her no because I wanted to smash. She acted like a pro and turned around, she arched her back, put her ass out, and wrapped her hands around the shower head then just looked back at me. This was spicier than Tabasco, she was really growing on me, and now I was really growing in her. We beat in the shower for about an hour. I had to pull out and rip off a phantom nut; I watched all my little guys get carried away right down the drain. ‘Bye boys!’ I thought to myself. We mixed it up a few times. I even held her up for a while, which can be very ly without traction. After I finished for the second time, thanks Patron, we washed each other off. It was sweet. She washed me, I even made her get the gooch, and meanwhile I spent basically the whole time just washing her over and over again. We got out and dried off, got dressed and kept looking at each other like we were madly in love. I am really good at that face. I swear I should have been an actor the because of the way I can deceive these s. When we opened the door, we walked out only to find all of the other four sitting on the edge of their beds glaring at us. Wow! Talk about an uneasy moment. The two s looked as if they d my guts, and were so absolutely disgusted with the two of us. Collin looked mad and because he never got to pass second base with Boo. I guess she was just not that kind of . Mike was the only one who looked at me with a grin like he wanted to just die laughing but was trying his best to hold it together until we got in the car. Mike had gone into his car to hook up with Amanda for about 45 minutes and left Collin and Boo the whole bedroom to do work. So it turns out that they basically just sat there and listened to me smash for an hour. Mike told me that Amanda and he walked back in while I was just finishing up. They all heard Annie’s moans and the never-forgettable sound of rough . Boo made sure to let them know that she didn’t want to use the bathroom until it was cleaned and that I was a pig.
So now that I felt weird I could only imagine how Annie felt. We both stood there momentarily with blank looks on our faces. I stepped up to the plate to break the silence and said, “Well, let’s hit the road boys. Annie, you’re beautiful, give me a call. Boo have a great night, I’m sorry about your bathroom. Amanda it’s a pleasure as always. I’m out!” Mike gave Amanda a quick hug and then without saying anything walked straight for the door. I could tell he was about to blow up with laughter. He opened it and went straight to the car, with me following his footsteps. Collin walked out without even saying goodbye. I guess he tried to take their bottle of Patron with him but Boo was all over him. She ed it back, and then slammed the door.
Mike and I dropped off Collin at his cougars spot, and then continued to laugh our way back to Malibu. Mike confirmed the fact he got his custard cannon slurped again in the very seat that I was sitting in. He didn’t need to beat cheeks he said, she gave great knowledge. It was a silly night. I felt like I put on a show for 4 people. Mike was telling all about the dirty things that Boo was saying while I was still in the bathroom doing work. She also had to pee ever since we got back from the club and was furious! Since that day, I keep in touch with all of the s via “the Book,” although some more than others. Annie has come back to the states and stayed in New York again, but she wanted me to fly her out to LA. Yeah, right! Maybe a that is a repeat offender, but never a one-and-done lady. They don’t get any privileges. I will say that I like Australian women though. I plan on making a trip down under one of these days, and after that I will visit Australia as well!